Just when I thought Mom was adjusting...

On Memorial Day we visited more dead relatives than live ones... there were 14 graves and 10 people for lunch.  I returned Mom to the nursing home and she seemed okay.  However, when I returned the next day, she asked me "Do I have to stay here until I die?"  Each time she asks my heart sinks.  I never say "Yes, STOP ASKING!!"  I use my mantra:  "Your safety comes first, your house won't accommodate a wheelchair. The halls and doors are too small, the bathroom is too cramped.  You can't be alone since you're so weak...."  Then I change the subject, a distraction technique that parents use with little kids.   

This time she came back to her point. She got teary eyed and said that she helped everyone else stay home.  She kept my dad at home.  Other elderly people simply say, "Take me home." My Mom wonders where she'll die.   It's heart wrenching and I wish she could be home.  I wish I was able to take her home but I just can't do it.  I've GOT to work.   Deep inside I realize she knows this, we began talking about it 15 years ago and she told me then to save for my own future.  If her doctor told me tomorrow that she only had a few months left, I'd take her home and live with her there.  I'd do anything she needed but, she's in great shape for a 90 year old and could live for several more years.  

In this case, I just knelt next to her chair, put my arms around her and hugged her.  We both cried a little then she changed the subject.  I guess she's used the distraction tactic too.   It worked well enough for us to have an affectionate moment and say a loving good bye.  I know she'll ask again because her memory is starting to fail and home is always there where she was capable, had lots of familiar people around and where she felt best.  
Mom constantly asked asks to go home what do I tell mom when she asks to go home?

Memorial Day at Mom's house was nice, she didn't mind returning to care center

Mom's been asking to see her little house and yard but we've been afraid to take her home.  We didn't want any sad crying scenes or to send her into a seizure if she became too upset.   We've tried to avoid excuses and honestly, it's been too cold or too wet for to take her home until this weekend.   My cousin came over, we picked flowers from her garden and made bouquets for family graves then went to get Mom. She sat in the car while we left flowers on graves.  She got to see each bouquet and know that roses grown in HER yard honored all those we loved. It meant a lot to her. We joked briefly that we placed more bouquets on graves than we had people coming for lunch - a sad statement...

After the cemetary we went to her house where my brothers and other family were waiting.  We had a nice lunch and all sat together at the table with Mom at the honored "head" spot.   She was very happy and ate a good healthy plate of food.  She was especially happy to have coffee and pie after supper - she doesn't get much pie at the nursing home.  

When talking with her before going to her house I used my mantra:  "it's not safe, the wheelchair is too big, the bathroom too small, the doorways to narrow, you can't be alone anymore..."  She can't argue with these..   Mid way through the day she had to use the bathroom so I helped her. I had a plan to do it and walked through it a couple of times the day before. My plan meant moving her from the wheelchair to a seat on a walker then onto the toilet.  We did the same routine backwards to get from the bathroom back into the wheelchair.  I was concerned since each transfer means a risk of falling.  It was SO much work and I was so worried she'd fall or that I'd drop her.  She tried to pull herself up to stand at the sink but could not. She ended up falling back onto the toilet and sitting there for a few minutes.   After getting her re-routed from toilet to walker to wheelchair she said, I guess you prooved your point, I can't use the bathroom.  She was calm, not too upset but just matter of fact. I didn't say I told you so, I just said, .."yup.  I wish it was different but your safety is our priority."

When it was time to go, I told her we'd have to deliver some supper to a nephew, look at his new house and then take her "back". I feared she'd become upset but she didn't. She was just fine and willing to go. It was a huge relief for us all.   This evening, a day later, she asked again, "How long do I have to be here?  Do I have to spend the rest of my life here?"  I applied the safety mantra again then changed the subject.  I have a feeling that I'll be using it weekly from here on. 
Mom says she wants to go home all the time, she makes me crzy nuts.   I am so sick of hearing Mom demand to go home.

Let go - realize what you CAN do versus what you WANT

The past year I've learned a lot of hard lessons, the most important is that I can't do everything - I must let some things go.   I can't keep up our home & yard in another state, a full-time job, Mom's house & yard, take mom for outings and doctor appointments, mind her finances AND exercise and eat right.    Something is always getting dropped, most often it's something I want for myself - a lunch with the girls, a hobby or craft, a trip to the salon for a haircut....   I am not complaining, but I am confessing that I've become okay with letting some things go for my own sake and my mom's.   I had to prioritize:  People have become important and my relationship with my husband has become the most important thing.   He's been wonderful and patient and I don't know how I'd do this all without him.  

After the past year here are my new priorities:

• 1st:   my husband and my own emotional needs 
• 2nd our financial well being - don't go into debt for others not even Mom, be thrifty & don't sacrifice your ability to save for your own long term care, pay our bills on time
• 2nd Mom's physical needs, is her environment safe? is it clean, clothes cleaned & replaced often, does she get meds on time and in a manner that she's happy with ( she needs to take pills with milk or she gets nauseous)
• 3rd Mom's emotional needs (does she feel loved and get enough mental stimulation?)
• 4th Mom's finances
• Maintaining our relationship with friends and family, keep in contact somehow, forget those who are demanding, fail to understand that you can't do everything
• Our home and yard
• Mom's home and yard

This list has served me well.  I've learned that a few weeds here and there aren't the end of the world, that the roses look just as good without constant deadheading.   I've also learned that it's okay if Mom doesn't have visitors every day, that she WILL survive a brief check up at the doctor on her own and that she will get enough to eat with out my prodding.   She has not changed, my attitude is what's changed.  I've learned to give up some control and stop worrying about what others think of me or of the condition of our home or of her little house and yard.   It's not possible to do it all without killing myself and Mom would not want that.  She'd want me to spend more time visiting with her or taking her out and less time breaking my back. 

Mom's adjusting better at nursing home than assisted living

Mom's been at the nursing home for 2 1/2 months now and she seems to be adjusting better to it than she did to assisted living.   It's a combination of things - she has friendly tablemates that do not suffer from dementia; she's more likely to ask for help and used to it by now, and she likes the food and view at this nursing home much better than the assisted living facility.  It's amazing what  we might call minor changes will do.   Another BIG difference is that she's sharing a room.   She seems to do better when there's someone else around her all the time. They share a soda each afternoon and some chocolates each evening.  Mom also has empathy for her roommates condition and wants to help make her feel better.

Mom's also getting around better in her wheelchair with a new pad that prevents her from slipping down in the chair.  She's able to pull herself along with her feet and uses her hands to guide the wheelchair easily.   She's also starting to make jokes and pranks with other residents - which lifts her spirits.  On Monday an older gentleman got ahold of her wheelchair and pulled her down the hall to the dining room after she'd worked her way to her room.  She said he laughed the whole way.   So today, she quietly rolled up behind him and got a hold of a strap on his wheel chair, she put on her breaks and held onto the strap.  When the guy tried to move he was stuck; his feet just slid on the floor.   He was not able to turn around far enough to see what was holding him back so he just kept "running in place".   She let him go after 20 minutes or so!   I hope she doesn't get in trouble for harassment!!  It's all in good fun.

How can I help Mom adjust to her nursing home?