A friends kids miss out if she can't find grandpa's will

This weekend I've spent all my time with a  friend whos' grandfather just passed away.  She tried hard to quickly travel across the country to be with him in my town before he passed away.  Unfortunately, she was 3 hours too late.  She's never dealt with the business side of a death.  There are all sorts of things one must do - find wills, life insurance policies, savings or checking accounts, conduce probate, bills and funeral expenses.   It's detailed and things must be done legally..

My friend, we'll call her  "G",  was close to her grandfather and held his Power of Attorney for medical care.  For years he told her that he wanted her to have all of his savings and that it should be used to put her two youngest kids through college.   G never asked about wills, or amounts, or locations because she didn't want to be rude. She respected and loved Grandpa and didn't keep in touch with him because of this potential inheritance.   Her grandfather was really sharp until the end and had a good head for business; she assumed he'd taken care of it all.... 

So today, only 8 hours after Grandpa passed,  I helped her search his home for important papers and we found one document - a bank statement from January 2011.   Her son searched his computer for anything that might give a clue to his income and debts -  life insurance, check register, bills, car titles, deeds,   - anything that might help her understand Grandpa's financial status.   Nothing.  Just one bank statement with checking and savings and a small charge card balance.   Damn.......I thought about all the legalities necessary..... "Double Damn."  Then  an "oh shit!!" moment......

We sat down for a break and it dawned on me - if Grandpa did nothing, even though he told G what he wanted to happen,......  if Grandpa put nothing in writing.  If Grandpa didn't NOTARIZE anything, then, ...  "oh shit!!" ... everything would go to his son.  EVERYTHING.  Everything would go to a drug addicted, low-life that had not seen his father for more than 20 years.   Everything would go to a guy who did nothing but cause his parents deep hurt and take advantage of them.   I didn't want to say it out loud but I could not let G begin to conduct this business without that knowledge.  

I called some friends and got a reference for an attorney.  She called the bank to understand what they needed to set up an checking account for Grandpa's estate.  She can't do anything with out two things:  1. Death Certificates and 2. being named by the county as the Personal Representative for his estate.    Damn... 

The bottom line is that Grandpa died without a will and this WILL cause a huge mess. .  Unless he was astute enough to name her as beneficiary on his accounts and his life insurance then the law of the state prevails.     So now, she'll become his "personal representative" and start the probate process.   

The lesson for anyone else is clear:  write shit down!!!  Notarize it!  Have it recorded at the county clerk/assessor!!!  Make a will!  Fill out the beneficiary forms for life insurance, savings, checking, retirement accounts.  Don't wait, it could cost your loved ones and your wishes might not be honored.
Does grand pa grandma need a will?  Grandpa died without a will.  Why should i do a will.

Financial assistance for caregivers hard to come by...

Caring for elderly parents often means financial hardships and sacrifices for the elders and their families.  In my own sphere of the world I've spent more money than I can count on travel to help my parents. My husband put a new roof on his mother's home and bought appliances as her old ones gave out.   Friends have taken their parents into their homes, paid supplemental insurance premiums and prescriptions.  Now some purchase clothing, shoes, personal care items and goodies once their parents go on medicaide.  Medicaide permits the elder to keep between $30-50 per month for personal expenses but often it's not enough even for a little splurge.

I  read articles and questions/answers on Agingcare.com and just noticed that they have a special section specifically for care givers and finances.  See it here:  Aging Care, financial articles. Remember that financial resources for care givers are FEW, someone might find some assistance so I feel it's important to share.

Can I get paid for taking care of mom dad? Can i get paid for staying home with husband wife? Can daughter get paid for taking care of grandma grandpa grandmother grandfather? Will medicaide medicaid pay me to stay home with mother? will medicare pay me to stay at home with parent spouse? 

After 70-ish it's OKAY to lie to your Mom.... or Dad

I've come to feel it's necessary to lie my Mom; and I don't feel guilty about it.   It was hard to get over that guilt but it just makes life so much EASIER for her and thus for me.   Mom lived comfortably because she and Dad had little debt.  Their social security and pension monies were enough to ensure they had plenty and could easily meet the utility costs in their home.    Mom's rent at the ALF has consumed all but $3000 of her savings and I'm about ready to apply for state aid - in her state it's called Medicaide.   Mom would be horrified to take it and that her savings are gone so I lie.
 
I lie about her money, I lie about the condition of her little old house and I lie about my personal life - all to keep her content and feeling like things are just fine.   Over the past couple of years her ability to comprehend and process complex matters has decreased so I take advantage of that.   "..take advantage.." sounds negative but it's not at all.  Yes, I'm manipulating the situation and taking advantage of her diminished capacity but it's for her own good.   It's all to ensure she doesn't worry.

Often she'll ask me about the utility bills at her house or the property taxes or she'll an ad on TV and want something completely goofy.  I tell her that we paid the bills last week, "We wrote the checks out together."  I tell her that I'll order the object for her and bring it on my next visit.... By my next visit, she's forgotten all about the bills and the goofy object.

I've always been very  honest with my parents and both were very intelligent and able to tackle any complex topic or issue but that's way beyond my Mom now.  By lieing to her, I make her feel that things are just fine so she doesn't worry.  For her, it's very important not to worry.  As an epileptic she easily has anxiety attacks which will trigger a grand mal seizure which could be deadly at her advanced age.  Mom is still intelligent and curious and I'm happy that she is easily distracted by TV - the Animal Planet, How it's Made, the History Channel, the Discovery Channel and such...  I lie to her and she happily goes back to her programs to feed her brain and I feel good that she's content.