Taking Mom for a ride and screaming inside

Getting Mom out has become a character building experience for me.   I try to take Mom for a ride at least once a week when I visit her home town.  I make a point to take her some place where she has good memories and ensure we have a good treat along the way.   The past few months she seems to have trouble remembering where we're going and continually asks where we are all along the way.  She marvels at things as though it's all new to her.  When I tell her where we are she replies, "Really??!!  I'd never have known; it's so different."  I'm left wondering, "Different from WHAT?"  

I suppose she is beginning to remember the familiar streets of town as it was decades ago - really, she's FORGETTING many things about her town and region.  She remembers buildings and landmarks that are long gone.  As we drive she gives me a running commentary about how staying in her "coop" makes her forget and how much things have changed.   It's a constant thing when we go out now and it's making me nuts!!   However, I NEVER let her know it's making me crazy.  Though I'm screaming inside, "YOU SAID THAT ALREADY!...and you said it last time and the time before that, can't you just accept it??!!!!"   I don't say a word to her about it.   I speak slowly and deliberately so that I don't have so much as a negative tone in my voice.   I calmly explain the changes she sees and I make excuses to make her feel better. 

She realizes that things have changed a lot and this makes her wonder about her own memory. She says, "Have I really forgotten that much?" I try to make her feel better with excuses about how quickly things change these days; how little she gets out and how much she has to remember after all of her 90 years.   I remind her that she remembers MORE than many, many people - often ME included.  Then I try to change the subject and ask her about something that I know will bring back good memories.  Most of the time, she tells me some story that I've heard by this time but now and then she reveals a gem - something that she and dad did together or some funny story about family or friends.   The new stories alone are worth sitting through a lot of rambling.     I'll continue to take her for drives and listen to the stories - old and new - because it's good for both of us.  I've not been the most patient person throughout my life so this is good practice I suppose but mainly it's good for my Mom. She needs the change of scenery and to relive the good memories we find along the route. 

Waiting for a crisis - one thing we'll all do sometime

Speaking with a friend last night I realized that there is one basic thing that nearly all of us share when it comes to dealing with elderly family  - that is the waiting for some crisis event which forces a change for our loved one.  We wait for the fall that puts mom or dad in the hospital and then the nursing home.  It's the stroke or heart attack that signals the start of their decline.   Or, it's the car accident that means the loss of a drivers license and cancellation of insurance.

Elder care professionals call these "sentinal events" - some event that is often a tragedy and that means a big change in the living conditions of our loved one.   Most often the outcome of these events means drastic change or a tragic outcome  Think of the stories we read of elderly people found wedged for days between their toilet and the wall or someone who's fallen and never got up.  After waiting for so long we can only react to the circumstance; there are only a few options left by the time an event occurs.

Why do we end up waiting?  It's because we have no other option.  The parent/elder is not sick enough to be hospitalized or might have a chronic condition.  She or he might be right-minded enough to say "leave me alone" or there just are no funds to help provide any assistance to prevent the incident.   We WANT to respect our elders so we respect their need for independence. We don't want to hurt their feelings or pride or our relationships so we let things be.  We know something will happen, it's usually only a matter of time.  We wait and wait then deal with the outcome.

The waiting is hard.  We see the decline, the weakness, the potential; we know something is coming but we don't know what or when.  We grow anxious, we get stressed, angry or frustrated but there's nothing we can do.    In some ways the waiting is easier because if we let things go long enough the options for our elder are limited.  Their condition may be such that a nursing home or hospice is the only option.  I have to ask myself if this is so bad.   We might do things that prolong the life of our elders but what about the quality of that life?  For me, I'm glad my Mom was in her home for years and admitted to a nursing home late in life.  She was surrounded by her family, her favorite sentimental things, her own roses and friendly neighbors.   The house didn't get as clean as I'd like, the lawn was under-watered and the flowers often gangly but she didn't care. She was simply happy to be there.   So I had to be satisfied that she was content and worry less about the time she had left.  We chose to put her immediate happiness first.  It was hard and I often worried but looking back, I'd do it again the very same way.
What is a sentinal event , when should I move mom dad , mom doesn't want to ove what do i do , dad doesn't want to move what do i do ,dad won't stop driving what do i do 

Forcing Mom to settle in...

It's been several days since I was able to leave comments here; I was just too busy. Since my last post, I got Mom settled, talked her down after another distraught day; cleaned her house for my brother; made banking arrangements and bought many things she needs in her little apartment.

Mom's been in the assisted living facility for 11 days now and she sounds a bit better on the phone. We left her on Friday morning to spend time with some cousins and return to my home in Indiana for 2-3 weeks. It was very difficult to say good bye and leave her in the hands of others but it was necessary for her sake and mine. She must adjust and get acquainted and I need to get my own affairs back on track.

I need to get some paying work done and - most important of all - spend some quality time with my husband, Dan. He has been so loving and supportive; I could not have done this without him. I'd been at Mom's for two weeks trying to get things arranged when he arrived from Indiana. He spent three weeks there with me, organizing, fixing things at Moms, lifting new TVs, hanging pictures, moving furniture and mowing. He shopped with me and told me I was doing the right thing. When I feel the most guilty, he tells me it's necessary. "You would not allow a four year old to remain in an unsafe situation; this is very similar. Your mom is not able to be realistic so you must do it for her..." Intellectually I know this but he verbalizes it when others won't. He doesn't want to say anything harsh but knows just when I need to hear it.

As for Mom, her own phone seems to help a lot. She's placed a couple of calls and I've called Mom daily since it was turned on. She also began working with a physical therapist which gets her moving and gives her some company. Mom told me about a woman, Edith, who speaks to her at meals. Edith says hello but doesn't come early or stay late to chat. I hope Mom will invite her to her room for coffee and cookies or to sit in the sunshine; it could be just what both of them need! I just can't imagine just sitting there waiting for the next meal without trying to find something that makes me feel alive! I pray that Mom finds some motivation to get engaged and that she can pull some of these other residents along with her.