Let go - realize what you CAN do versus what you WANT

The past year I've learned a lot of hard lessons, the most important is that I can't do everything - I must let some things go.   I can't keep up our home & yard in another state, a full-time job, Mom's house & yard, take mom for outings and doctor appointments, mind her finances AND exercise and eat right.    Something is always getting dropped, most often it's something I want for myself - a lunch with the girls, a hobby or craft, a trip to the salon for a haircut....   I am not complaining, but I am confessing that I've become okay with letting some things go for my own sake and my mom's.   I had to prioritize:  People have become important and my relationship with my husband has become the most important thing.   He's been wonderful and patient and I don't know how I'd do this all without him.  

After the past year here are my new priorities:

• 1st:   my husband and my own emotional needs 
• 2nd our financial well being - don't go into debt for others not even Mom, be thrifty & don't sacrifice your ability to save for your own long term care, pay our bills on time
• 2nd Mom's physical needs, is her environment safe? is it clean, clothes cleaned & replaced often, does she get meds on time and in a manner that she's happy with ( she needs to take pills with milk or she gets nauseous)
• 3rd Mom's emotional needs (does she feel loved and get enough mental stimulation?)
• 4th Mom's finances
• Maintaining our relationship with friends and family, keep in contact somehow, forget those who are demanding, fail to understand that you can't do everything
• Our home and yard
• Mom's home and yard

This list has served me well.  I've learned that a few weeds here and there aren't the end of the world, that the roses look just as good without constant deadheading.   I've also learned that it's okay if Mom doesn't have visitors every day, that she WILL survive a brief check up at the doctor on her own and that she will get enough to eat with out my prodding.   She has not changed, my attitude is what's changed.  I've learned to give up some control and stop worrying about what others think of me or of the condition of our home or of her little house and yard.   It's not possible to do it all without killing myself and Mom would not want that.  She'd want me to spend more time visiting with her or taking her out and less time breaking my back. 

Mom's regrets influence me now

For the past several years Mom has expressed regrets about things in her life.   Each time we're together for more than a couple of hours she comes around to talking about them.  She's told me so often that I can almost quote, word for word, what she'll say about each instance.   Th regrets aren't about physical things she didn't have, not about places she didn't visit nor things she didn't do for herself.  Her regrets are about things she did not do for others.  Her regrets are about the people in her circle of friends and family that she could not or did not help. 

She regrets her parents divorce even though she was an adult; she knows how lonely each was in their elderly years. She regrets not pushing grandmas doctor to treat arthritis pain in grandmas back. She regrets that she didn't do more for a sister-in-law with chronic and painful migraines.  She regrets that my cousin could not have moved in with them. She wishes she'd done more for her grandchildren, nieces and nephews.... and on and on....

To understand why she didn't act, you have to understand a bit about my Mom.  Unless she gets really mad, she is not a confrontational person and she tries to be very polite.  At the time these events were going on, she felt it was rude, nosy or outside of her comfort zone to question, to comment or to act. She left things alone - and that's often her biggest regret because she saw events take an emotional and physical tole on people around her.   She regrets not acting to ease their discomfort or pain.   She regrets not saying or doing things to make people around her feel loved and supported. 

It's a difficult situation for me to understand because I saw her do so much for others. I try to live "up" to her good example with family and friends.  I don't understand why she's so hard on herself so I tell her just that.   I begin each response to each regret with "You're too hard on yourself; you did what you could at the time."  Now that we've made hard decisions about Mom and her care - now that I am primarily the one making the decisions and telling her about them - I hear my husband and family repeating the same things to me and to each other.   While I regret that I don't see her more often; I regret that she's not in her own home; I regret that she's no longer agile and strong - I won't regret moving her some place where she's safe and where the helpers treat her with affection and respect.  And, I'll learn from her regrets to show love and support when I can.