A friends kids miss out if she can't find grandpa's will

This weekend I've spent all my time with a  friend whos' grandfather just passed away.  She tried hard to quickly travel across the country to be with him in my town before he passed away.  Unfortunately, she was 3 hours too late.  She's never dealt with the business side of a death.  There are all sorts of things one must do - find wills, life insurance policies, savings or checking accounts, conduce probate, bills and funeral expenses.   It's detailed and things must be done legally..

My friend, we'll call her  "G",  was close to her grandfather and held his Power of Attorney for medical care.  For years he told her that he wanted her to have all of his savings and that it should be used to put her two youngest kids through college.   G never asked about wills, or amounts, or locations because she didn't want to be rude. She respected and loved Grandpa and didn't keep in touch with him because of this potential inheritance.   Her grandfather was really sharp until the end and had a good head for business; she assumed he'd taken care of it all.... 

So today, only 8 hours after Grandpa passed,  I helped her search his home for important papers and we found one document - a bank statement from January 2011.   Her son searched his computer for anything that might give a clue to his income and debts -  life insurance, check register, bills, car titles, deeds,   - anything that might help her understand Grandpa's financial status.   Nothing.  Just one bank statement with checking and savings and a small charge card balance.   Damn.......I thought about all the legalities necessary..... "Double Damn."  Then  an "oh shit!!" moment......

We sat down for a break and it dawned on me - if Grandpa did nothing, even though he told G what he wanted to happen,......  if Grandpa put nothing in writing.  If Grandpa didn't NOTARIZE anything, then, ...  "oh shit!!" ... everything would go to his son.  EVERYTHING.  Everything would go to a drug addicted, low-life that had not seen his father for more than 20 years.   Everything would go to a guy who did nothing but cause his parents deep hurt and take advantage of them.   I didn't want to say it out loud but I could not let G begin to conduct this business without that knowledge.  

I called some friends and got a reference for an attorney.  She called the bank to understand what they needed to set up an checking account for Grandpa's estate.  She can't do anything with out two things:  1. Death Certificates and 2. being named by the county as the Personal Representative for his estate.    Damn... 

The bottom line is that Grandpa died without a will and this WILL cause a huge mess. .  Unless he was astute enough to name her as beneficiary on his accounts and his life insurance then the law of the state prevails.     So now, she'll become his "personal representative" and start the probate process.   

The lesson for anyone else is clear:  write shit down!!!  Notarize it!  Have it recorded at the county clerk/assessor!!!  Make a will!  Fill out the beneficiary forms for life insurance, savings, checking, retirement accounts.  Don't wait, it could cost your loved ones and your wishes might not be honored.
Does grand pa grandma need a will?  Grandpa died without a will.  Why should i do a will.

Mom's heart stops in the MRI and now narcotics won't touch her pain

Since my last post Mom's been through a lot - the worst part is that, even with narcotics, her pain is increasing and she's often in great pain.   I went to see her on Presidents Day weekend and found her pretty uncomfortable.   I and the aides did what we could to help her and when I left town, she seemed fine.  Because the pain came and went, we thought it was her sciatic nerve; massage and change of position relieved the pain.   That changed after I left town.  By Wednesday evening, she called my brother to ask that he come take her to the ER. A call to the doctor and more pain meds helped.   By Thursday the Nursing Home called me to say that she's in such pain, that she's suffering so much that they must send her to the ER.  I agreed, of course I agreed.  Once there, the ER doctor ordered an MRI.  Mom died in the MRI tube before it could be completed.

They revived her quickly with some chest compressions and -"some shot" as my brother tells me.  Her doctor tells us that her heart beat was erratic - not in regular sinus rhythm - and when they sedated Mom is caused her heart rate to slow so much that it stopped.  They only resuscitate her because they did not know if she or her family signed a DNR (do not resuscitate order).   That evening she was resting comfortably.. but the next morning was hell..  Mom woke up in great pain.  She yelled, she asked what they were doing to her; she called them all devils and demanded to return to the nursing home.  The pain began again and they've increased her pain medications 3 times.   The nurse tells us that the amount of medication she's getting now could slow her heart or cause long term issues with her memory or cognition.   

So, now I'll rush home and hope we'll find something to make her comfortable or that she'll find some peace.   By writing "find some peace" I guess I mean that she'll pass away.  I DO NOT WISH THAT MY MOM WILL DIE!!  But, to see her suffer is so awful.  It's as excruciating for us as it is for her.  I'd gladly take her pain for myself if I could.  She told my niece - a CNA - "no tubes, no surgeries, leave me alone". She won't tell us because she doesn't want us to worry and get all emotional but she'll tell my niece  -perhaps it's just too emotional for her too.   I realize it's only a matter of time. She's 90, something will cause her death sooner than later but I'm not ready for her to go.   I've been preparing for it for 5 years but when the reality is right here, right now, I don't want it to happen.  Perhaps her suffering is for us - making it easier for us to let her go to find peace.    I can imagine life no visits to nursing homes, life without depends or wheelchairs or dentures on the bedstand but I can't imagine life without my Mom.   I miss her already.

Death isn't so scary if you believe in something greater.

I've seen two people die - my uncle and then my father - and learned a lot from both.   Neither death was horrific but peaceful; neither left me a weeping mess because I expected it.  Both situations were very different.  My father had been home for weeks gradually declining and in pain.  We moved him to the hospital to better control his pain; we knew he'd never come home.  He lasted 2 1/2 days after he was admitted and we stayed with him the whole time.  My uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer and in a nursing home. We expected he'd have another few months but got a call one evening that he was in rapid decline for unknown causes.  We rushed to the hospital to find him unresponsive with no idea how long he would last.  I opted to stay with him and sent my Mom, father and brothers home for the night and he passed away 2 hours later as I sat with him.

My uncle died first and I was amazed just how easily it was for him to simply sleep and not wake up.   I didn't hear a last gasp, I didn't hear a thing.  The nurse came in and said his heart was barely beating and his breathing was very shallow.   He was very cold yet his internal temperature was quite high.  The nurse disconnected the monitors, the oxygen and then his chest just stopped moving.   He looked at peace for the first time in a long time.  The year before his death had been emotional due to his anger and frustration.  He refused to address the fact that he was terminal.  He refused to discuss his business affairs, to tell anyone about debts, savings accounts or anything like that.  He bought woodworking tools from HSN and QVC, wood and materials from catalogs, magazines and Christmas gifts.  He was in denial and we didn't have the heart to force him to face the truth.  After he passed, his peaceful appearance actually made me feel better; I was relieved for him.  

When my father died we were all exhausted.   My family and I had gathered at their home daily for a week or so.  We knew my father didn't have long so we wanted to make the most of it.   When it was time to go to the hospital, my nephews, my Mom and I went with him.  My brothers and sister in law were waiting there for him.  He knew we were all there and it made him feel better.  We created a plan to ensure he was not left alone and then began our "shifts".  My Mom would not leave his side so we tried to tend to her as well.  She is an epileptic and prone to grand mal seizures so we - and my father - were very concerned about how she'd handle things; we worked hard to ensure she felt loved and supported.   My father had terrible pain in his shoulders due to tumors and had to receive ever-growing doses of morphine to keep him comfortable. ( I often wonder if he didn't pass from morphine over dose but that's another blog post...) After 2 1/2 days, he would not respond when we spoke but he squeezed our hands now and then.   About noon on day 3, a nurse came to me and said his heart was beating so seldom that he would soon pass.  I did not want Mom to see his moment of death so I positioned myself between her and my dad, holding his hand. My nephew was on the other side of the bed.   After taking my dad's hand, I noticed that it slowly began to turn grey. Then the grey color quickly traveled up his arm across his shoulder and to his neck.  As it traveled up into his face, he began to gape - his mouth opened then the grey color moved from his forehead down to meet the grey color that moved up from his hand.  At that moment I felt something rise up from him and move past me.  His body exhaled deeply and his mouth closed.  

I remember this so vividly and 14 years later can still see it in my mind but it lasted only a seond or two.  My nephew who was right there didn't see it, he was focused on my mother.  I am sure I witnessed his soul passing from his body.  A week after his death, I dreamt about him each night.  In my dreams we talked about many, many things.  After the dreams I felt there was nothing left unsettled between us and I only felt disappointment that I couldn't enjoy his humor and ask his advice - for now.    This experience left me sure in my heart that this existence is temporary and that there is a spiritual world - our REAL existence - just beyond our ability to physically see, hear or feel it.    Our loved ones are all there, close by, waiting for us.  I am in no rush to leave this lifetime to get there and I would hate to have a lingering illness on the way to that place.  

The next death I witness may be completely different but I will try to approach it with love.  I will be confident that the person will soon be with other family and loved ones and that I will get there some day too.  The most important part will be to ensure my loved one feels loved and supported.   There are all kinds of ways to do that and it really depends on the person.  I've found some good advice in all kinds of places.  One place where I find great spiritual support is Hay House Radio or Hay House Publishing.

Here's a link to a Hay House Publishing online webinar that might help us understand what someone needs as they "pass over" from this physical life to the spiritual.  Though Hay House does not produce materials for any specific religion, the information found there is loving and kind, thoughtful and helpful for anyone.   I suggest that you copy and paste this link, or if it's broken go to www.hayhouseradio.com and search for "death and dying".
Hay House seminar on death and dying
or
copy and pate this:
http://www.hayhouseradio.com/liveevents/index.php?show_id=192&episode_id=5848&schedule_id=52332

is there life after death? dealing with death, dealing with death of a parent, what happens at the moment of death, what's it like to watch someone die?
what dan i do for my dying mom, how can i help my dying parent,  what happens when we die, What should I expect as mom dad dies?

Memorial Day at Mom's house was nice, she didn't mind returning to care center

Mom's been asking to see her little house and yard but we've been afraid to take her home.  We didn't want any sad crying scenes or to send her into a seizure if she became too upset.   We've tried to avoid excuses and honestly, it's been too cold or too wet for to take her home until this weekend.   My cousin came over, we picked flowers from her garden and made bouquets for family graves then went to get Mom. She sat in the car while we left flowers on graves.  She got to see each bouquet and know that roses grown in HER yard honored all those we loved. It meant a lot to her. We joked briefly that we placed more bouquets on graves than we had people coming for lunch - a sad statement...

After the cemetary we went to her house where my brothers and other family were waiting.  We had a nice lunch and all sat together at the table with Mom at the honored "head" spot.   She was very happy and ate a good healthy plate of food.  She was especially happy to have coffee and pie after supper - she doesn't get much pie at the nursing home.  

When talking with her before going to her house I used my mantra:  "it's not safe, the wheelchair is too big, the bathroom too small, the doorways to narrow, you can't be alone anymore..."  She can't argue with these..   Mid way through the day she had to use the bathroom so I helped her. I had a plan to do it and walked through it a couple of times the day before. My plan meant moving her from the wheelchair to a seat on a walker then onto the toilet.  We did the same routine backwards to get from the bathroom back into the wheelchair.  I was concerned since each transfer means a risk of falling.  It was SO much work and I was so worried she'd fall or that I'd drop her.  She tried to pull herself up to stand at the sink but could not. She ended up falling back onto the toilet and sitting there for a few minutes.   After getting her re-routed from toilet to walker to wheelchair she said, I guess you prooved your point, I can't use the bathroom.  She was calm, not too upset but just matter of fact. I didn't say I told you so, I just said, .."yup.  I wish it was different but your safety is our priority."

When it was time to go, I told her we'd have to deliver some supper to a nephew, look at his new house and then take her "back". I feared she'd become upset but she didn't. She was just fine and willing to go. It was a huge relief for us all.   This evening, a day later, she asked again, "How long do I have to be here?  Do I have to spend the rest of my life here?"  I applied the safety mantra again then changed the subject.  I have a feeling that I'll be using it weekly from here on. 
Mom says she wants to go home all the time, she makes me crzy nuts.   I am so sick of hearing Mom demand to go home.

Talk of "home" is ladies last..

Sometimes a simple act has great significance to an elder. Whether they are at home, living in a facility or hospitalized, just a few moments of time spent can lift their spirits for days.

I spent the last week of May in my home town and saw Mom every day. On the way to her room one afternoon I saw a very elderly lady struggling to get comfortable in her chair. Feeling bad, I sat next to her to ask if I could help. We easily began a conversation and it turned out that we had some connections. Fay, age 93, turned out to be the aunt of my cousin and she grew up in the same small Hoosier town as my husband.

Fay told me as much as she remembered about my cousin and we talked about the old businesses in that small town she remembered so well. She brightened up as she described the cafe where she met her husband and how she worked to send him money after he moved across the country get settled ahead of her arrival. I reassured her that the cafe was still open ( it really is) and I told her about recent renovations at the historic county court house, a relatively new building when she moved west in the mid-1930's. We talked of things she missed about the midwest - huge peaches, lightening bugs, the beautiful fall colors and her family. We also talked about things particular to her home town - traffic at a stand still several times a day as long, long trains passed through, the old brick Catholic Church torn down long ago; the fierce wind and hail that build quickly and pound through town and the flooding that used to happen on the south side of town. I know relatively little about my husband's home town, but the things I do know were the same things that Fay remembered very well. Coincidence?

Fay easily remembered both addresses where she lived so I relayed those to my husband who took pictures of the tiny houses and emailed them to me. Our talk lasted only about an hour but she was truly aware and so happy to make a connection to her friends and family; it was something familiar in a place and time where she outlived all her "new" connections. She mentioned that she had not seen much of her family since moving in the mid- 1930's so meeting someone from "home" was exciting.

Before I had a chance to print the photos and deliver them, Fay passed away in her sleep just two days after our conversation. At first I felt bad that I had not made it with the reprints of her home but I guess that after our reminiscing she decided to go there and see them for herself.