Take Power of Attorney seriously or don't do it at all

I just read about a couple of jerks in Portland, Oregon that abused their Power of Attorney (PoA) for an elderly aunt and I am TICKED OFF at these two dolts! After what they've done they should go to jail! When I learned about this terrible situation, I was pleased to learn they'd been arrested. I'll try to keep up with it and report back on their punishment.

To make a long story short: An 83 year old woman (I'll call her Elderly Aunt) was due for surgery, shortly before the surgery her age 60-something cousin and niece pressered her into signing a complete PoA. After signing it, Elderly Aunt was hospitalized in bad shape and her doctor told Jerk-Cousin and Evil-Niece she would likely die any time. In no time at all these evil creeps cleaned out the woman's accounts, her home, sold anything they did not want and then sold the house and car. The proceeds were distributed by Jerk-Cousin and Evil-Niece to their families. Well....Elderly Aunt recovered and was absolutely crushed to learn that she had nothing left but the anniversary ring on her finger. Jerk-Cousin and Evil-Niece claim an attorney told them to "spend it all" to avoid probate - that is absolute BULL-OOOOH-NEE! These two committed FELONIES; they abused this elderly Aunt at the most vulnerable point of her life. They are thieves. There is no way around it.

I feel so sorry for this Elderly Aunt, mainly because she is heart sick to loose all of the special sentimental things within her home and because a FAMILY MEMBER is responsible for this callous outrage. "Family" should be those people that we can trust to help us remain safe, loved and to live with dignity. A PoA should do the same - family or not! This scenario raises all kinds of issues and questions:

• Elderly Aunt worked long and hard all her life and now faces a sparse existence during her final years. She might have been quite comfortable if someone who truly respected her acted as PoA and would work to ensure her comfort.
• These creeps pressed her to sign when she was facing surgery and not thinking clearly. Why didn't she have a PoA before it was easy to take advantage?
  
• Elderly Aunt must now rely on the paultry state stipend for personal needs like underwear and socks! After paying rent at a nursing home it's generally something like $50 per month, depending on the state of residence. This is terrible and just so unfair.
  
• Does Elderly Aunt have grown kids? Where were they? Why didn't they step in to help?
• Elderly Aunt might have a will that left things to family or charities. Did Jerk-niece and Evil-Cousin even consider this?
  
• Elderly Aunt might have bills, debt or other commitments like tax liens that should be met before distribution of any assets. After Elderly Aunt's medical state, this should be the foremost concern of a PoA.
  

A Power of Attorney should not be taken lightly; these can be very powerful tools and give people a lot of control if not done properly. Before I write another word, I must include a disclaimer:

I am not an attorney. This blog is in no way intended to provide legal advice. You should consult an attorney in your local city or county if you have questions about granting a PoA or becoming a PoA.

Let's discuss PoA's and their purpose: PoAs are generally done so that one person can act on behalf of another. PoA's can be broad or specific. In my experience I've held both complete ( or durable) and limited PoAs. For instance, my husband went on a military deployment to the Persian Gulf and before he left we completed a PoA that gave me permission to make medical decisions on his behalf if he were incapacitated. This is called a Medical Power of Attorney and outlined his wishes for end of life care, life support and such. It was important to him that I be spared tough decisions in a poor emotional state. We also did a limited PoA for property management that enabled me to collect rents, pay property taxes, change utilities and such for rental properties that he owned. This limited PoA also listed the things that he did NOT want me to do such as the ability to sell or trade the property. The limited PoA also had an expiration date of 12 months from the date of his departure. We did not consult and attorney for either document but used templates we found on line and had them notarized at our credit union. Thankfully, I did not have to exercise the Medical Power of Attorney but I did use the Limited PoA to make changes to some insurance coverage and hook up some utilities. In those cases, both parties asked for copies of the notarized PoA and I was able to get things done with no issues.

For my Mom I hold a Durable Power of Attorney - within the State of Idaho - it's the most powerful PoA. She and my father completed these years ago, long before anyone would question their judgement at naming me their PoA. This PoA and means that I could invoke it to to do anything on their behalf at any time. They felt this was necessary because my father had a history of heart disease and my Mom's family had a history of alzheimers. ( Thankfully she has no symptoms of that ailment!) I could walk into their bank with my notarized copy and take all of their funds; I could sell their cars, clothes and property. However, I have used it rarely and only with their permission or after discussing things with them. I realize that I could cause serious problems for them so I take it quite seriously. It's my job to look out for Mom's best interests and I use her PoA ONLY for that purpose.

If you are considering naming a PoA, think about these things:

• Identify someone who you are sure will act in your best interests, not theirs.
• Identify someone who will work to do WHAT YOU WANT, if it's possible.
• Identify someone who will work to ensure your physical and emotional well being and your dignity when making decisions for you.
  
• Tell your PoA what you want done and put it in writing.
• Ask him/her if they are willing to do it -often it means that someone will be mad at the PoA. S/he needs to be tough enough to handle it.
  
• Complete a living will or medical PoA so the person doesn't have to make tough decisions about proloning your life or suffering with artificial means or needless - and often costly = medical treatments.
• If you don't have a trustworthy family member, consider your attorney, a paralegal or contact your local Area Agency on Aging about volunteers who might do this on your behalf.
• Selecting a PoA that lives nearby or someone who can readily reach you in emergency situation might be a good idea. If decisions must be made quickly, you want to avoid delays due to travel.
  
• Remember that most PoA's end upon a death so having a will and naming an executor is important.
  
• Before completing a PoA contact an attorney in your state of residence for their advice. Each state has specific laws concerning PoAs, living wills and such.
  
• Understand if the PoA must live in the same state of your residence.
  
• A credible PoA, and one that will hold up in court, should be notarized at the very least.
  
• The laws that hold a PoA accountable for malfeasance differ from state to state so it's important to understand what you can do if a PoA is misused.
  

If someone asks you to be a PoA:

• Take it seriously and do it ONLY if you are willing to make tough decisions for that person. It's not likely to happen but it's possible. I almost invoked my PoA to move my Mom and it would have been UGLY. I knew that going in and know that my parents asked me to be their PoA because I'm strong enough to do the hard things on their behalf.
• Remember that you can be prosecuted for mis-management of funds, theft or fraud if the person's funds are not used to pay for their care and debts.
• If someone asks for your assistance to "avoid probate" take them to an attorney. Don't wing it; it's way too complicated and differs from state to state.
  
• If someone asks for your help to meet criteria for state aid (generally called medicaide) also see an attorney. Each state has a "look back" period, often 3, 5 or 7 years. Distribution of assets during that time can disqualify an Elder from receiving assistance for months and even years at a time.
  
• Remember that being a PoA DOES NOT make you an "heir". You do not havce the right to inherit anything and it does not mean you will be the executor of their will or estate. PoA's usually end upon the death of the requestor.
• Talk with the Elder or requestor to understand what they want and how they want to live out their years.
  
• Be prepared to work with them a lot, you must talk things over if it's possible and get their inputs.
• Be prepared to be tactful and unbiased and to do research on insurance, medicines, treatements - all kinds of things that come up.
  
• Be prepared to help create solutions for the individual - they might need new walkers, subscriptions to magazines, goodies in their apartment; help interviewing and selecting home health care workers - a wide variety of things.
  
• Seek out advise and help from social workers, pharmacists, doctors and local aging specialists.
  
• If you can't devote the time to be a good, responsible PoA, don't do it. The Elder or requestor is asking for your devotion, assistance and concern - so don't do it if you can't give these without resentment or great inconvenience to yourself.
  
• Be prepared to give out notarized copies of your PoA documents. I've had to provide them to Mom's bank, insurance company, doctor's office, Assisted living facility and to the local DMV to renew auto licenses.
  

If your parent or family member DOES NOT ask you to be their PoA, don't be insulted. They have their reasons. They may want an unbiased third party to reduce the risk of family in-fighting or claims of favoritism. If you ARE a PoA, be prepared to be the bad guy. You can hope it doesn't come to that but be warned: if more than one person is involved, someone is bound to be unhappy with something at some point. It's just human nature and humans being what they are - self-interested - is the reason a PoA is so important and can be vital to the safe, secure and dignified final years of an elder.

Don't expect to get your gifts back...

A friend recently had a several falling out with her sister over a gift one had given their mother. The mother had this vase for years then when downsizing gave it to the other sister. The "giver" was upset because she always expected to get the vase back. I've discussed this situation with other friends and it seems to be an issue over and over, one family to the next. A child give something to a parent expecting to get it back 'someday' 'when Mom loves' or dies. Within my own family, my brother claims many of the things in my mothers home, and says "because I paid for it" - which may or may not be true. The rest of us have households with enough stuff, so if he wants it, he can have it. It's not worth arguing over.

My friend's situation above, however, resulted in hurt feelings, not necessarily anger. The giver was upset that her mother gave away "her" vase and upset with her sister for taking it when she knew the giver wanted it back. The giver felt betrayed by both her mother and her sister. What to do in cases like this is difficult. One must understand WHY mom gave the vase to the other sister. Did the sister ask for the vase? Did mom forget that the giver wanted it back? Did the giver clearly tell Mom that she wanted the vase back some day? In this case, I know the Mom and I'm sure she just forgot about the arrangement to return the vase but I could see where Mom could resent such an expectation. In the end, the sisters talked without involving Mom and sister two gave the vase to the giver. I could imagine, though, that this type of thing could escalate into one of those situations that triggers an argument, grudges and the breakdown of a relationship.

If it were me, I'd tell my daughter that if she wanted the vase, she should buy one for herself and I'd wonder why she gave it to me in the first place. It is obsurd to present a gift to someone and then expect it back. It's a GIFT not a LOAN. There are all kinds of complicated scenarios that could arise and each is just one more chance for hurt feelings, disappointment and confusion. It's best to just avoid that completely.

When we give a gift, we must live with the outcome of that action. Once the gift is presented, it becomes the property of the recipient and is theirs to do with as they please. I would hope that people could be genuinely open and act from a loving place. If you like and appreciate a gift, say so and use it with pleasure. If you are presented with a gift but it's the wrong size/color/texture/smell/style/etc. then gently speak up and let the giver exchange or return it. When it comes to your parents, don't complicate their lives, especially if they are elderly. Give them things that they will use and enjoy. Don't give them something because you want it for yourself at some point you just risk hurt and disappointment if it's broken or damaged, or also desired by a sibling.

Sneaky siblings are really hurtful

My sister-in-law (SIL) lives in a distant city and when her mother was alive, she called regularly. With the same regularity, my Mom-in-Law (MIL) asked me to drop things at the Post office for her. Often, these packages were addressed to the distant sister-in-law. At the time I had been married into this family only a year so I didn't feel right asking questions. I thought it best to just do the favor for MIL since she couldn't get out herself.

Now I wish I'd said something - a question, a hint, a suggestion - something, to let my husband, other SIL and brother-in-law (BIL) know what I suspected - that distant SIL was asking for the few dear, dear things that belonged to their grandmother and MIL was sending them. Since the death of my MIL, the kids -without the distant sister - talk about things and ask "I wonder what happened to that?".... I see these things at SIL's home so I knew exactly where they are but I maintain my silence. Things with the distant SIL are strained enough speaking up might exasterbate things.

Maintaining my silence is tough, really tough. I hear the emotional connection that my other SIL and BILs have for these things. I know that they would enjoy having something to remind them of their grandmother. Who's at fault here? Distant SIL asked for the items and MIL complied; she could have said "no". I can't help but feel that distant SIL should have been content with an item or two and then left something for someone else. She had not visited for years; she never drove MIL or her husband to the doctor; she didn't cleaned MIL's house, mowed her yard or help financially. Did she "deserve" all of those dear items? If we keep score on "helpfulness", then no. If we rank it on emotional attachment, she'd rate high BUT..... I wish she'd put some value on the feelings of her siblings and her emotional attachment to THEM and share the mementos and thus memories. In the end, it's the people who are left with us who should mean the most.

Mom shares belongings with Non-family

Now that Mom has moved, we must decide what to do with 60 years of accumulated stuff. This, I fear, will cause some major conflict within my family especially because Mom has a couple of close friendships with women who are like daughters to her. She wants them to have something and I agree but can't help feeling odd and asking myself, "...but, what if I want the thing Mom wants to give away?"

The whole topic of downsizing must be approached gently, which I can deal with but this non-family business is another matter. I understand how she feels about these gals and it's taken me some time to understand it and to appreciate it and them. I'm grateful that someone else loves my mom and sees that she still has a lot to contribute. These gals are a few years older than I and she met them when they came to her home to clean. Once I realized that they were devoted, trustworthy and generally nice people, I employed them to spend a few extra hours with Mom each week when family members could not be there. I realize the scenario sounds fishy but, trust me, these gals really love my mom and often visited her even without getting paid for it. Now that she's in assisted living, they call and visit; they join her for lunch; they discuss politics and grand kids and just laugh. If my Mom wants them to have something dear, it's because they are dear people to her and I support her wishes.

If it's something that I want for myself I'll take this approach:

• First, I'll ask myself WHY I want it. Is it something to which I've always had an emotional attachment? Did it belong to a grandmother or grandfather?
• Will I use it? Or, will it sit around gathering dust and be in the way?
• Second, I'll think about monetary value. Do I want it to sell for myself or should it be sold to benefit my mom's care? If it's just for MY or another siblings enrichment, then we'd be real stinkers (we're not stinkers but we do raise a little odor now and then. Nobody is perfect) and it will eventtally be sold to benefit Mom because THAT is the right thing to do.
• Is it something that my Dad gave Mom out of love like a wedding band or anniversary gift?
• Is it something that I'm sure a brother or niece, nephew, grandchild might want?

If the answer to any of these is yes, then I'll tell Mom that I think someone - or that I - would be disappointed not to have the item. BUT, I will also tell her that these are HER things and she should do what she wants with them. I don't want to apply pressure to her nor do I want anyone to be terribly hurt if they truly want something that means a lot to them. I have great emotional attachment to a very few things; things that were used daily by my great grand mother then my grandma and my Mom. I grew up using these things and I want to use them in my own home. To me, it's a way of honoring their memory and holding onto the important things I learned from each of them. It keeps me grounded and reminds me of the tough things they endured - I can continue also.

So - what about family? That's the tough part. Past personality conflicts come back; grudges take hold; greed and that sense of entitlement creep in. One child wants everything; another wants to exclude one sibling or one or more kids or grandkids wants things only to sell for cash. This is exactly why it's important to write things down. Several years ago Mom taped notes under or inside many things identifying who should get what. We are discussing this in detail now. She expected to be gone by the time we had to use her notes but having them helps. Surprisingly she's not changed her mind. And, she is less concerned about hurting someone's feelings if they don't agree with her. After asking for a turn-of-the century mantle clock; she told my brother very directly, "No, that goes to (Grandaughter). You are not careful enough and it will get destroyed." She told him to take some large old family portraits instead. He seemed satisfied but I wonder if he'll make his daughter feel bad over the clock. If so, I'll tell her that it's what Grandma wants so don't give in and give it up.