Mom has a good day and we split up the visits

God bless my niece!  She's visits my Mom every day before she heads to work.  I can't be there during the week so I know that either of my nieces or my sister in law are the next best thing for Mom.   It helps SO much that one niece is a veteran nurse (25 years) and the other is a nurse in training.  When the weekend rolls around and I get to town, I'll take over momma-duty so my niece can have a break.  

Today my niece gave me a good report on Mom: she woke up hungry and ate 75% of her lunch.  She's asking what happened and how she can get better.  The physical therapists helped Mom to the commode and into a chair.  She was in the chair for 1.5 hours and the nurses told my niece that she was pretty uncomfortable for the last 45 minutes, laying on the call button - but they let her sit there because it's part of her therapy.   It's a good thing that I wasn't there because I'd have put her back to bed myself.  I hate that she's hurting but I'm thankful her appetite is back.  For her to stop eating and drinking enough now would surely be the end of her.

For the first time since I heard that Mom was being transported to the ER, I'm a little hopeful - hopeful but guarded.  I don't expect anything as far as she's concerned.  I will say that I'm so thankful for my family - brothers, nieces, nephews and cousins - they've all called and visited to show support.  We help each other when we need it - that alone would make my mom happy and proud.

Mom's party is a hit; old friends made her feel remembered and loved

As I planned Mom's birthday party I really worried that there was no one left to come but I was wrong.  I'm SO GRATEFUL that I was wrong!!!   We held it at her church so a few of those people attended, then a couple of her cousins came from out of town and some old neighbors just happened to be in town on the same weekend.  After the cake and ice cream we all went to her house for a family meal.  More neighbors came from down the street and made it a special evening. 

Mom was thrilled to see them all.  I felt bad that it was a relatively short open house, only 4 hours and she only had a few minutes with each person;  she would have loved more time to visit.  However, I have names and addresses now so we can go to see them!!   And I WILL take her.   She has different memories and stories to relate with each one of those people.  And, what nice people they are!!  

Mom's lived in the same town since 1936 and the same house since 1943.  Decades!!  I can't say that I've lived in one place that long.  I worry that I won't have the long-time friends and relationships like she's had.  While I wouldn't trade my experiences for much of anything, I envy her stability.  She and my dad created a satisfying life in the same place. They were involved in their community and made lasting relationships; they were - they ARE - respected.   They might not have had lots of money, didn't travel or have expensive toys but they had something much more precious.

Birthday party is a family affair - THANK GAAWWDD!!!

Mom's 90th birthday party is taking a little more coordination, planning and buying than I expected. But - I salvation - COUSINS!!... and my husband.    I'm blessed to have the kind of family who, when invited to anything, immediately asks, "What can I bring?"  Instead of asking for things, I asked for their time. Which at this point is much more important to me.  I'm also blessed to have the kind of husband who, when told about the party is brilliant enough to show up, shut up and do what he's told!

Dan will help me run around all day Thursday and Friday cleaning house, making food, picking up cakes and flowers.  He'll help me place table clothes, decorations and chairs... and I know he won't yell or fuss at me because he knows there's a lot to do -  he might give me a little attitude but it's generally all in fun.  We've been married long enough now that we sort of compliment each other when we're preparing to have people over or fixing something. 

I know getting Mom dressed will take at lest 30 minutes longer than I expect and her hairdresser will be there at 11am to touch up her hair.  I asked a cousin to go to the party early and start coffee and make punch before we arrive.  She'll also bring a couple of side dishes for a family meal afterward.  Other cousins are coming to the party and will help clean up.  My sister in law will arrive early to great guests if we're late getting to the church hall. 

I've made a schedule of things to do on Thursday and Friday so we can do our errands in "loops" instead of running back and forth from stores to church and stores to the house again.  I'm excited for the party but mainly excited to get help from FAMILY.  It means so much to know they'll help when needed.  They are a blessing and I MUST remember to tell them so!!  I hope I'm a blessing in return..

Brothers health might stretch my support thin...

After a few hours of sleep I'm wide awake and worrying in the wee hours of the morning.   My husband and I spent the past week at my Mom's house with my brother who's 18 years older than me.  He's living at her home now, paying all the household bills and tending to the lawn, etc.  It's beneficial for Mom and also for him.  I don't care for some of the things he does and sometimes I don't care much for him but this morning, I'm really worried about him.  He seems different and weak and vulnerable.  I am afraid something is wrong and that some day, I'll have to tell my Mom that her son is seriously ill.  What's worse than learning that your child is ill or dieing?  It will be tough for us all.

I can't help but think about my brother and feel for him - just WHAT I feel is what's keeping me awake.  My brother is not what I'd call a nice guy - at least not to those in his family.  He's been kind, generous and even loving to friends and even total strangers.  To us he's most often mean and impatient. He speaks with NO regard to people's feelings and drinks WAY too much which makes his attitude even more rude and crude. Yet....no matter how much of a jerk he is, when any of us - parents, siblings, cousins, nieces or nephews - has really needed something or someone, he's come through.   For all his hurtful crap, he's as dependable as the morning; sometimes that's a cold, grey morning but it's still morning.  His attitudes indicate he doesn't like people, wants nothing to do with them or with us, yet lately he's showing some tenderness here and there that makes me reconsider what's really important.  His tendency to push everyone way might just mean that he needs some support all the more right now.   I won't do it because I care deeply for him or because he's been loving to me but I'll do it for myself.  It's selfish I suppose but I couldn't feel good about myself if I left him feeling that no one gave a damn.  I feel I owe him something, although I consider all "debts", both figurative and literal, well paid in full.   I just can't let him be completely alone and without a soul to care.  My husband and I fear that fate someday - no children and nieces and nephews scattered and busy with their own lives, who'll give a damn about us?  We'll have to be secure knowing that someone REALLY, REALLY loved us and cared dearly one point  in our lives even if one of us ends up alone. My brother doesn't have that to comfort him so I'll do what I can and feel good that I was able to show kindness to someone who could not show it to his family.  Some people might call me a martyr for that attitude but let them.   They don't have to live with ME.  I have to live with me, I have to look myself in the mirror everyday and I'd see something really bad if I weren't there for him.

Friends judgement is hurtful enough to end relationship

A few of my friends are going through similar situations as me - trying to help a parent move into a smaller home or one who can't live home alone any longer.   One in particular gave me a really rough time the other day and I'm seeing some really old, deep-seated resentments bubbling up to the surface.   She's become mean spirited, unkind and makes catty remarks "at" me.  She's recently moved her mom into her home - which I admire because it requires so much patience and time.  Since then, when we speak she goes to great lengths to use the term "I can't be that self-centered...", "well, you don't have to give up anything like we do...".   When I speak about doing something with my husband like going to a movie, I get an eye roll and some comment like, "...if ONLY we had time to do that or, we can't, we have kids in college."

She seems to think that I've had it so easy, like I'm a spoiled child and do everything for myself.  Now it's my turn to pull the martyr act....If she only KNEW what I've had to do since my early 30's - that's 15+ years!  While she was raising a family, I was dealing with sick uncles, a terminally ill father and an epileptic Mom who needed special support to help prevent seizures.  For five years I drove 12  hours round trip every other weekend to help my parents.  I took jobs that enabled me to take 3 day weekends and that flexibility cost me raises, promotions and employers took advantage of my need for extra time.  I had no social life, no chance to meet new friends much less a nice guy.   Now I've got to work to make up for the retirement savings that I spent going back and forth.  Because I need to work now and because my Mom needs so much physical assistance, her living with me is just not a good idea.  She needs help 24-7 and I just can't do that for her. My husband and I are also trying to transition from our home in Indiana to Portland, Oregon.  We have no home to move her in to.  I also hate to move Mom to a new community because it would be difficult to find a physician willing to accept her medicare - though my "friend" would call that an excuse.

She judges me because I won't take my Mom into my home. She doesn't want to see that I can't - and there are a variety of reasons but she's too busy being judgemental and self righteous to listen to them.    I've spent years being understanding of her needs, attitudes, her choices and I've been happy that she's created a wonderful life and family.   I'm not getting the same understanding - I feel like I'm a supportive friend but when I need a friend, it's not there.   I see the need for the old saying...." with friends like that...who needs enemies."   I don't feel like I have a friend in her any longer.  I makes me really sad but I am also resolved to remove the toxic relationships in my life. She'd call that self-centered, I call it self-preservation.

Take Power of Attorney seriously or don't do it at all

I just read about a couple of jerks in Portland, Oregon that abused their Power of Attorney (PoA) for an elderly aunt and I am TICKED OFF at these two dolts! After what they've done they should go to jail! When I learned about this terrible situation, I was pleased to learn they'd been arrested. I'll try to keep up with it and report back on their punishment.

To make a long story short: An 83 year old woman (I'll call her Elderly Aunt) was due for surgery, shortly before the surgery her age 60-something cousin and niece pressered her into signing a complete PoA. After signing it, Elderly Aunt was hospitalized in bad shape and her doctor told Jerk-Cousin and Evil-Niece she would likely die any time. In no time at all these evil creeps cleaned out the woman's accounts, her home, sold anything they did not want and then sold the house and car. The proceeds were distributed by Jerk-Cousin and Evil-Niece to their families. Well....Elderly Aunt recovered and was absolutely crushed to learn that she had nothing left but the anniversary ring on her finger. Jerk-Cousin and Evil-Niece claim an attorney told them to "spend it all" to avoid probate - that is absolute BULL-OOOOH-NEE! These two committed FELONIES; they abused this elderly Aunt at the most vulnerable point of her life. They are thieves. There is no way around it.

I feel so sorry for this Elderly Aunt, mainly because she is heart sick to loose all of the special sentimental things within her home and because a FAMILY MEMBER is responsible for this callous outrage. "Family" should be those people that we can trust to help us remain safe, loved and to live with dignity. A PoA should do the same - family or not! This scenario raises all kinds of issues and questions:

• Elderly Aunt worked long and hard all her life and now faces a sparse existence during her final years. She might have been quite comfortable if someone who truly respected her acted as PoA and would work to ensure her comfort.
• These creeps pressed her to sign when she was facing surgery and not thinking clearly. Why didn't she have a PoA before it was easy to take advantage?
  
• Elderly Aunt must now rely on the paultry state stipend for personal needs like underwear and socks! After paying rent at a nursing home it's generally something like $50 per month, depending on the state of residence. This is terrible and just so unfair.
  
• Does Elderly Aunt have grown kids? Where were they? Why didn't they step in to help?
• Elderly Aunt might have a will that left things to family or charities. Did Jerk-niece and Evil-Cousin even consider this?
  
• Elderly Aunt might have bills, debt or other commitments like tax liens that should be met before distribution of any assets. After Elderly Aunt's medical state, this should be the foremost concern of a PoA.
  

A Power of Attorney should not be taken lightly; these can be very powerful tools and give people a lot of control if not done properly. Before I write another word, I must include a disclaimer:

I am not an attorney. This blog is in no way intended to provide legal advice. You should consult an attorney in your local city or county if you have questions about granting a PoA or becoming a PoA.

Let's discuss PoA's and their purpose: PoAs are generally done so that one person can act on behalf of another. PoA's can be broad or specific. In my experience I've held both complete ( or durable) and limited PoAs. For instance, my husband went on a military deployment to the Persian Gulf and before he left we completed a PoA that gave me permission to make medical decisions on his behalf if he were incapacitated. This is called a Medical Power of Attorney and outlined his wishes for end of life care, life support and such. It was important to him that I be spared tough decisions in a poor emotional state. We also did a limited PoA for property management that enabled me to collect rents, pay property taxes, change utilities and such for rental properties that he owned. This limited PoA also listed the things that he did NOT want me to do such as the ability to sell or trade the property. The limited PoA also had an expiration date of 12 months from the date of his departure. We did not consult and attorney for either document but used templates we found on line and had them notarized at our credit union. Thankfully, I did not have to exercise the Medical Power of Attorney but I did use the Limited PoA to make changes to some insurance coverage and hook up some utilities. In those cases, both parties asked for copies of the notarized PoA and I was able to get things done with no issues.

For my Mom I hold a Durable Power of Attorney - within the State of Idaho - it's the most powerful PoA. She and my father completed these years ago, long before anyone would question their judgement at naming me their PoA. This PoA and means that I could invoke it to to do anything on their behalf at any time. They felt this was necessary because my father had a history of heart disease and my Mom's family had a history of alzheimers. ( Thankfully she has no symptoms of that ailment!) I could walk into their bank with my notarized copy and take all of their funds; I could sell their cars, clothes and property. However, I have used it rarely and only with their permission or after discussing things with them. I realize that I could cause serious problems for them so I take it quite seriously. It's my job to look out for Mom's best interests and I use her PoA ONLY for that purpose.

If you are considering naming a PoA, think about these things:

• Identify someone who you are sure will act in your best interests, not theirs.
• Identify someone who will work to do WHAT YOU WANT, if it's possible.
• Identify someone who will work to ensure your physical and emotional well being and your dignity when making decisions for you.
  
• Tell your PoA what you want done and put it in writing.
• Ask him/her if they are willing to do it -often it means that someone will be mad at the PoA. S/he needs to be tough enough to handle it.
  
• Complete a living will or medical PoA so the person doesn't have to make tough decisions about proloning your life or suffering with artificial means or needless - and often costly = medical treatments.
• If you don't have a trustworthy family member, consider your attorney, a paralegal or contact your local Area Agency on Aging about volunteers who might do this on your behalf.
• Selecting a PoA that lives nearby or someone who can readily reach you in emergency situation might be a good idea. If decisions must be made quickly, you want to avoid delays due to travel.
  
• Remember that most PoA's end upon a death so having a will and naming an executor is important.
  
• Before completing a PoA contact an attorney in your state of residence for their advice. Each state has specific laws concerning PoAs, living wills and such.
  
• Understand if the PoA must live in the same state of your residence.
  
• A credible PoA, and one that will hold up in court, should be notarized at the very least.
  
• The laws that hold a PoA accountable for malfeasance differ from state to state so it's important to understand what you can do if a PoA is misused.
  

If someone asks you to be a PoA:

• Take it seriously and do it ONLY if you are willing to make tough decisions for that person. It's not likely to happen but it's possible. I almost invoked my PoA to move my Mom and it would have been UGLY. I knew that going in and know that my parents asked me to be their PoA because I'm strong enough to do the hard things on their behalf.
• Remember that you can be prosecuted for mis-management of funds, theft or fraud if the person's funds are not used to pay for their care and debts.
• If someone asks for your assistance to "avoid probate" take them to an attorney. Don't wing it; it's way too complicated and differs from state to state.
  
• If someone asks for your help to meet criteria for state aid (generally called medicaide) also see an attorney. Each state has a "look back" period, often 3, 5 or 7 years. Distribution of assets during that time can disqualify an Elder from receiving assistance for months and even years at a time.
  
• Remember that being a PoA DOES NOT make you an "heir". You do not havce the right to inherit anything and it does not mean you will be the executor of their will or estate. PoA's usually end upon the death of the requestor.
• Talk with the Elder or requestor to understand what they want and how they want to live out their years.
  
• Be prepared to work with them a lot, you must talk things over if it's possible and get their inputs.
• Be prepared to be tactful and unbiased and to do research on insurance, medicines, treatements - all kinds of things that come up.
  
• Be prepared to help create solutions for the individual - they might need new walkers, subscriptions to magazines, goodies in their apartment; help interviewing and selecting home health care workers - a wide variety of things.
  
• Seek out advise and help from social workers, pharmacists, doctors and local aging specialists.
  
• If you can't devote the time to be a good, responsible PoA, don't do it. The Elder or requestor is asking for your devotion, assistance and concern - so don't do it if you can't give these without resentment or great inconvenience to yourself.
  
• Be prepared to give out notarized copies of your PoA documents. I've had to provide them to Mom's bank, insurance company, doctor's office, Assisted living facility and to the local DMV to renew auto licenses.
  

If your parent or family member DOES NOT ask you to be their PoA, don't be insulted. They have their reasons. They may want an unbiased third party to reduce the risk of family in-fighting or claims of favoritism. If you ARE a PoA, be prepared to be the bad guy. You can hope it doesn't come to that but be warned: if more than one person is involved, someone is bound to be unhappy with something at some point. It's just human nature and humans being what they are - self-interested - is the reason a PoA is so important and can be vital to the safe, secure and dignified final years of an elder.

Don't expect to get your gifts back...

A friend recently had a several falling out with her sister over a gift one had given their mother. The mother had this vase for years then when downsizing gave it to the other sister. The "giver" was upset because she always expected to get the vase back. I've discussed this situation with other friends and it seems to be an issue over and over, one family to the next. A child give something to a parent expecting to get it back 'someday' 'when Mom loves' or dies. Within my own family, my brother claims many of the things in my mothers home, and says "because I paid for it" - which may or may not be true. The rest of us have households with enough stuff, so if he wants it, he can have it. It's not worth arguing over.

My friend's situation above, however, resulted in hurt feelings, not necessarily anger. The giver was upset that her mother gave away "her" vase and upset with her sister for taking it when she knew the giver wanted it back. The giver felt betrayed by both her mother and her sister. What to do in cases like this is difficult. One must understand WHY mom gave the vase to the other sister. Did the sister ask for the vase? Did mom forget that the giver wanted it back? Did the giver clearly tell Mom that she wanted the vase back some day? In this case, I know the Mom and I'm sure she just forgot about the arrangement to return the vase but I could see where Mom could resent such an expectation. In the end, the sisters talked without involving Mom and sister two gave the vase to the giver. I could imagine, though, that this type of thing could escalate into one of those situations that triggers an argument, grudges and the breakdown of a relationship.

If it were me, I'd tell my daughter that if she wanted the vase, she should buy one for herself and I'd wonder why she gave it to me in the first place. It is obsurd to present a gift to someone and then expect it back. It's a GIFT not a LOAN. There are all kinds of complicated scenarios that could arise and each is just one more chance for hurt feelings, disappointment and confusion. It's best to just avoid that completely.

When we give a gift, we must live with the outcome of that action. Once the gift is presented, it becomes the property of the recipient and is theirs to do with as they please. I would hope that people could be genuinely open and act from a loving place. If you like and appreciate a gift, say so and use it with pleasure. If you are presented with a gift but it's the wrong size/color/texture/smell/style/etc. then gently speak up and let the giver exchange or return it. When it comes to your parents, don't complicate their lives, especially if they are elderly. Give them things that they will use and enjoy. Don't give them something because you want it for yourself at some point you just risk hurt and disappointment if it's broken or damaged, or also desired by a sibling.

Let friends be supportive - even a bit helps YOU

I created a Facebook profile about the same time that I started this blog and I've found it to be a great spot for some support! Yes, people send supportive notes but it gives me the chance to be supportive to friends and family. Family is THE most important thing to me and mine is spread far and wide - the all around NW USA, California, Wisconsin, Michigan - with Facebook I can check in with them, send quick notes and share in their lives more regularily than just a quick visit every few years.

My facebook friends & family share jokes, updates about health issues, spouses, kids and our parents - good news and bad. I'm impressed with the way that people share in funny things but even more impressed with the responses when there's sad or bad news! I'd say that positive and supportive responses to bad news is twice that of good news. For example, the classmate who gave me very good advice about assisted living facilities posted a comment that her dad fell at a local grocery store and that he ended up in the ER. Within minutes, 7 of us were able to see it and offer kind words. I checked back this morning and even more people made comments and she posted an update on her dads status - he's fine and getting around well but still black and blue.

Perhaps it's selfish of me but I was thankful to have the chance to tell her that I hope he's okay and that I understand how worried she must have been. From a communication stand point, my friend was also able to notify family far and wide using Facebook. Originally, I signed up to get in touch with high school classmates out of curiosity and to get information about our reunion. I never dreamed it would be a place where I could feel the support of friends and give love and support to them as well. If you're able, I recommend it!

Mother's Day from a distance

Mother's Day has come and gone but my guilt over not being with Mom on Mother's Day remains. I sent flowers two days ahead, mailed a card and called the day before but I've not called for three days....

I've not called because I just have so much to do and I know I'll hear the same thing over and over. The call is not for me but for Mom and I must remember that. She needs the phone call to keep her engaged and to feel loved and appreciated.

I'm sure she had a big day on Sunday. My sister-in-law and niece were making plans to take Mom out for the day to a big family meal. She was looking forward to it and I know they made it a nice day for her. It's a relief to know they'll make sure Mom is okay and gets to feel special and I appreciate their thoughtfulness. If I thank them for things like that they look at me as though I'm weird, like "what else would we do?". We all just do those sorts of things for our parents; it's expected. It would not occur to them to leave her out. I hope I remember to tell them just how special it is to make that effort.