Pop wants to get hitched? Shacking up is easier!

I spoke with a flabbergasted friend last week and I've debated whether or not to blog about it.   My need to point out the variety of scenarios and possibilities for our elders and offer some practical advice won out.... so here it is:

My friends widowed father, age 82, wants to marry a woman he met through his church.   I encouraged her to support him. Provided his finances are in order; his needs will be met without monetary penalty  and with an iron clad Power of Attorney for medical care.   It's a good situation for both of them, they are of similar ethnic heritage so they like the same foods, have the same memories of growing up in the US with immigrant parents - it's all similar history.    They want to move in to an apartment in an assisted living center in the town where each raised their kids, went to church, have doctors and mutual friends.   Another important factor - both are comfortable financially and don't have any dependents that need to inherit their money. They've also downsized and both have few "heirlooms" to argue over.   It's just a great situation and each will be happy.  I've heard other, far less happy scenarios (and, you know you're going to hear about it now...)

My sister in law suffered a great deal of hurt after her grand father remarried and died soon after.  
"Grandpa" was actually the second husband of Grandma; he'd been married before but had no children.  He married Grandma when the daughter was a young woman.  He was a good husband and when a step-grand daughter came along, he wished to be called "Grandpa".    Grandma and Grandpa each brought their own houses, furniture, funds and mementoes into the marriage.  Among the four of them, they had an understanding that all of the things each (Grandma and Grandpa) brought to the marriage would go to their respective family should anything happen.  Some years later Grandma passed away suddenly.  Grandpa was lonely afterward and step-daughter didn't want to take anything from the home for fear of upsetting him.  Just three months passed and one day Daughter got a call from Grandpa's neighbor - he was married!   Daughter went to investigate and learned that it was true, Grandpa married a woman he met at his "club" and she had already moved into the house.   Daughter wanted to gather some of her mothers things only to see that many had been tossed out and the new wife refused to let her take antique furniture, photos of her family - nothing.   This began a very contentious and mean spirited exchange of visits, calls and even a couple of calls to police!  In the end, the Daughter and Grand Daughter got nothing and it was crushing for them.   They wanted the mementos from their mom, grand father and great grand parents that were with the step-grandpa.  After the shock of loosing Grandma, they left things to help him feel a sense of continuity and family and now his lonely heart was more important.  He died a few months later - no will, nothing written down and the "new" wife got it all - Grandma's house, Grandma's furniture, dishes, even the doilies.   Legally, there was nothing the Daughter or Grand Daughter could do. Grandma died with no will so everything went to Grandpa. When Grandpa died with no will it all went to his spouse. 

Now if Grand Pa had just shacked up with the new woman, they would have legal recourse.  ...  That is what I would propose to an elder if they wished to share their life with some one rather than be all alone.   There are all kinds of things to consider when elders marry:

• In most states a spouse can be forced to provide some kind of support for necessities - no matter how long the marriage.  
• The legal act of marriage can also tie up funds if a spouse incurs debt after saying "i do".  Debt, funds and property acquired before the marriage are not likely to be considered community property but it all depends on the state. 
• Should one spouse need state assistance, the state can put a lien on a home even though s/he only spent a short time there and didn't contribute to the upkeep - it all depends on state law.
• Widows pensions might also stop if a woman is remarried, to retain income, stay single!
• The contents of a house are generally considered the property of the home owner unless it's a high dollar item like artwork, jewelry.  
• Elders should give away heirlooms SOON or specifically call out distribution in a will.  Even if the remaining spouse remarries, the original heirs will have a legal standing to obtain things if it's written down.
  

I've also seen wonderful examples where families are co-operative, where grandma or grandpa WANTS to downsize and passes along heirlooms to be enjoyed while they are alive.   It seems that the painful examples are those we remember most.   I am by no means an attorney or legal expert but I do know that isolation ane loneliness are strong motivators.  If you love your elder, help them to feel less lonely, encourage them to be honest. If they want to share their lives, help them do it in a way that feels best for them and maintains relationships with their kids and grand kids.  Also try to form a friendship with the new "significant other"; they probably need some love and support too.  

Medicaide letter confuses but ALF clears it all up...

We received a letter from Medicaide that said Mom's aid level was about $390 a month.  It's good news that they processed it so quickly but I still have questions.   The letter arrived at my mothers house where my brother lives so he read it to me.   He's not very patient so I didn't ask him to read it over and must trust him when he says "it's a short letter and there's no other discussion or facts." 

Luckily, the director of Mom's ALF called this morning to tell me about the information they received from Medicaide.  She was very clear about the details, and long story short: Adding Mom's income and Medicaide, she will be $1125 short each month for her rent.  Since we paid her rent for January, that total amount is considered a credit with the ALF.  We'll divide that balance by two and use it to pay for January and February.  Come March, Mom will have to share a room.   Her room is already very small so they will try to move her to a larger room.  I expressed concern about mean or aggressive roommates and she assured me they will work with us to find someone who mom will enjoy.  I am also concerned that the room will be too crowded.  Nearly all of the residents have walkers, so with two beds, two walkers or wheel chairs and a couple of rockers or recliners and the room will be chock full!   I HATE that she has to share a room but she complains about lack of company so perhaps it will be good for her.

Now more work for me - getting things set up on direct deposit for pension checks, payment of rent and payment of pharmacy bills.   Ugh! 

After 70-ish it's OKAY to lie to your Mom.... or Dad

I've come to feel it's necessary to lie my Mom; and I don't feel guilty about it.   It was hard to get over that guilt but it just makes life so much EASIER for her and thus for me.   Mom lived comfortably because she and Dad had little debt.  Their social security and pension monies were enough to ensure they had plenty and could easily meet the utility costs in their home.    Mom's rent at the ALF has consumed all but $3000 of her savings and I'm about ready to apply for state aid - in her state it's called Medicaide.   Mom would be horrified to take it and that her savings are gone so I lie.
 
I lie about her money, I lie about the condition of her little old house and I lie about my personal life - all to keep her content and feeling like things are just fine.   Over the past couple of years her ability to comprehend and process complex matters has decreased so I take advantage of that.   "..take advantage.." sounds negative but it's not at all.  Yes, I'm manipulating the situation and taking advantage of her diminished capacity but it's for her own good.   It's all to ensure she doesn't worry.

Often she'll ask me about the utility bills at her house or the property taxes or she'll an ad on TV and want something completely goofy.  I tell her that we paid the bills last week, "We wrote the checks out together."  I tell her that I'll order the object for her and bring it on my next visit.... By my next visit, she's forgotten all about the bills and the goofy object.

I've always been very  honest with my parents and both were very intelligent and able to tackle any complex topic or issue but that's way beyond my Mom now.  By lieing to her, I make her feel that things are just fine so she doesn't worry.  For her, it's very important not to worry.  As an epileptic she easily has anxiety attacks which will trigger a grand mal seizure which could be deadly at her advanced age.  Mom is still intelligent and curious and I'm happy that she is easily distracted by TV - the Animal Planet, How it's Made, the History Channel, the Discovery Channel and such...  I lie to her and she happily goes back to her programs to feed her brain and I feel good that she's content.