Use caution when moving your parent to a new state

Moving your parent to an ALF or nursing home near you seems ideal but it could cause financial duress and mean your parent doesn't qualify for financial assistance.  Some states will not approve financial assistance (medicaide) until a person has established residency.  In my Mom's state, that's 30 days and proof that she intends to stay.  In another state it's six months!  At $3-5000 a month, that's a substantial amount to pay until they qualify.

The best practice - do research LONG before your parent or elder might move closer to you.   Contact your state medicaide office to understand VERY clearly the residency requirements, asset limits and application process.


How can I move my parent to a new state? moving my parent near me, state aid and moving my parent, 

One event changes everything... Mom must move again.

Since yesterday things have changed and I'm not sure it's for the better.  The change means that we must admit Mom's even slower, that she's declining and there's nothing we can do about it.  She's improved since her seizure but is still not 100% and arrangements are in place to move her to a nursing home on Monday morning.   We - the family - did not have to make the call to move her.  Her physician told her he wants more nursing supervision of her care and she can't get it in assisted living.  He insists she move to a nursing home.  She accepted this coming from him; it's doctors orders so she will comply.  It doesn't mean she will understand tomorrow and that she will want to comply next week or any week after.

So now we worry about the physical and the emotional. Mom's dilantin levels were way too low so they must figure out why such a dramatic drop occurred when she's been taking meds regularily.  Physically Mom's better but not 100%; she still has numbness in her left arm and leg.  Some physical therapy will help get her moving again.  We've also got to deal with the details of a move - canceling the phone and paper;  moving her clothes to her nursing home and her furniture and belongings from the apartment to the garage at her home. Luckily, I have a classmate who manages a moving company and he can squeeze it in on Tuesday.  

As for her emotional state, we are concerned and will be concerned for a few weeks until she's settled in.  My niece talked with the doctor about depression and anxiety so he will try some anti-anxiety meds in conjunction with her dilantin.  My brothers, neice and sister-in-law will see her daily while she's hospitalized and once she's moved.  I am making plans for a return visit to check on her and see that she has everything she needs.   I believe an old friend of hers is also at this nursing home so I'll ensure they are connected and can visit back and forth regularily.

While I'm feeling really stressed and have had a headache since the first call, I am feeling really grateful to my family.  They've all stepped up to help Mom; she's been their priority and they've given up sleep, work and school to be with her.   They've been good about communicating with each other and with me.   My brothers - both over 65 - were ready to step in to quickly move mom's stuff from the ALF apartment. I appreciate their willingness to work but want to spare their energies so that they can visit Mom so I called in the movers who can have it done in a couple of hours.  So - together we're helping her; from near and far, we're getting things done.  I may not feel good about what's happening with my Mom but I do feel good that we're all coming together to help and support her.

She's moved..

Well, it's done; mom is moved but it still doesn't feel real. I told her on Tuesday that movers would arrive at 1pm on the 15th to move some of her things to an assisted living center. We both cried but she realized that it was time. We just can't do enough for her at home and it's not safe for her. The movers took her things and we distracted her with a big family meal, plans about what to move first and which most sentimental things she would take.

On Thursday, we had an 11am check in time so I let her sleep in then we rushed to make the 11am appointment. It was manipulative of me but I didn't want to give her time to think about it or feel really sad the morning of her last day at home. Check in was like visiting a doctors office for the first time. We sat in a large open office, the "Wellness Room", and I spoke with the LPNs and aides who dispense pills. I explained her medical scenario, how her seizures may progress and what too look for. They listened politely but I really don't feel confident that they'll follow my advice. They might treat a lot of people but they've never treated MY MOM before; they have little experience with epileptics. I feel like a parent fighting for the proper care of a child - experiences that are parallel I suppose..... Since she moved in, I've had to give too many reminders about some important details. Her commode should be emptied each morning, she must take her dilantin with meals or she'll get heartburn; she will not ask forhelp to get to meals so please go get her.... These are all things that were promised in my initial discussions with the directors and managers. I'm hoping it was NOT just part sales pitch and that they really DO care that MY MOM is adjusting and getting the care she is DEARLY paying for.

The afternoon of night one, Mom began to have spasms in her back and hip. The arthritis seems to be pinching nerves in her back. Neither of us slept more than 4 hours. The aides were good about bringing her breakfast and lunch to her room. They even added extra servings to her tray for me. MOM was so uncomfortable all night and into the morning that I called her doctor to schedule an appointment for Monday. They also called in some prescriptions that helped her relax and given that, she got a good night of sleep in night two. She asked me to stay that night as well. I was kept awake again but by snoring rather than her discomfort. I didn't mind loosing the sleep since it meant she was comfortable.

One important lesson when moving a parent: Tell their physicians office and then call them a couple of more times to tell them again. Tell them at least one month prior to the move. I thought one call to MOM's doctor's office was enough. It was not. A nurse really chewed me out because they didn't realize MOM was moved and they were concerned how she would get new medications. We worked it out but they were not happy with me. Never assume the staff within a clinic or doctor's office communicate between each other. Tell them then call back and speak to someone else and tell them again.