Emapathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another (Source: dictionary.reference.com)
The key words in the definition above are vicarious experiencing of feelings...of another. If you've not been able to do this before, you'd better learn it while you're helping your parent or other elders. If you don't, I truly believe that you'll get some come-upance when YOU'RE old.
Learning to be empathic is key to remaining patient with Mom and diligent about her care. Mom is sharp of mind but weak in body. Arthritis and osteoporosis has distorted her back, neck and knees. Though she is not in much pain she is weak and her joints just don't work. She can't grasp utensils or glasses very well; door knobs are difficult to turn. She can only walk 10 steps or so then must sit because her knees won't support her 100 pound frame. She can't stand at the bathroom counter to brush her teeth. She can't make a pot of coffee without assistance. All of these limitations mean that she is a like a prisoner in her own body with an active mind and memories of an active life. Like many elders, the thing she fears most is a fall and broken leg, ribs or hip. Often that is the end of our elders; they just don't survive the surgery required to repair the injury and ease their pain.
Remembering this and understanding her frustration, her fear of falling and her isolation makes it much easier to be patient and loving toward her. I might not be patient with others, I may grumble, cuss, chew someone out - but I don't do it to her. I do say things like "this frustrates me too", " I am sorry you can't move around more easily" and "yes, it's a pain in the neck but I'm happy to do it for you" - it seems to make her feel better; to reassure her that I WANT to help her. Often I list those things that she might be feeling - fear, frustration, loneliness, anger - and then I WANT to help her. The old saying "put yourself in someone else's shoes" truly does wonders.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Feel the frustration then let it go
I find myself cussing a lot these days - I cuss silently, I cuss out loud, I send curses to others. "Stupid bastards" has become my favorite thing to say. Mom frustrates me, others frustrate me. Dealing with elderly parents and anyone associated with your parent or their needs IS very frustrating. Mom can't hear me on the phone and I'm tired of yelling into a piece of plastic. Calls don't get returned; people transpose numbers on her insurance claims...etc., etc.... there are thousands of examples but what it boils down to is that others just don't have the same sense of urgency that I feel. They have other customers, patients, kids, jobs and all that to deal with so it means that they get to me - or my Mom - when it's possible and that's not always on my timeline. In my last post, I spoke about control and since this is not something I can control, I've had to learn a new strategy: I feel the frustration. I cuss. I complain out loud ( often only to myself ). I let myself feel the anger, the disappointment and I say "Damn, this is maddening, frustrating - I'm ticked OFF!" Then I'm able to let it go. This was hard at first and it takes practice; after 6 months I'm able to do it.
I can't pretend this stuff doesn't bother me. I can't pretend that everything is A-okay and smile sweetly. It's not okay; often I'm not okay and that's, well - OKAY. It's much easier for me to deal with all of this if I say that I'm frustrated or angry and let it be - let ME be - for a while. It's easier to cool off and then go back at it and do what I need to do.
I can't pretend this stuff doesn't bother me. I can't pretend that everything is A-okay and smile sweetly. It's not okay; often I'm not okay and that's, well - OKAY. It's much easier for me to deal with all of this if I say that I'm frustrated or angry and let it be - let ME be - for a while. It's easier to cool off and then go back at it and do what I need to do.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Don't expect to control absolutely EVERYTHING...
Control; it's a very simple two syllable word. However, for me it also raises some complex situations these days. I want control. My mom doesn't want to give up control. I can't control doctors or aides. I need control to safe guard her finances, her health, her physical safety, her emotional well being and to very simply get things done in a timely fashion. Going through this with Mom has helped me to apply the old prayer: Lord grant me the strength to change the things I can, the patience to live with the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference. The wisdom is truly the hardest of all.
I've learned to wisely "position things", to "discuss", to finagle, to... well, maniupulate Mom and others to get things done. I don't like to use the word "manipulate" but that's what all of this positioning, discussing and finagling means - I must use my best manipulative behaviors and it's hard for me to do. Normally, I hate manipulators and I'm vulnerable to such people. I feel like a hypocrit but in this case I must feel okay with it. Sometimes it is wise to manipulate if it's for an unselfish and positive outcome. I use these skills so that Mom feels in control of the decisions concerning her life. I try to ensure that she feels heard; that she has some input over what happens - that it's HER decision or preference.
It's wise to understand when I CANNOT control something. I can't control the doctor's schedule, the type of toilet paper the ALF uses; how the ALF does laundry' whether my brothers visit or not. I can only control what I do in these instances. I am forced to ask myself whether I can do something about such situations. If I can do something, I will. If I cannot , then I wisely, give myself permission not to act, not to try and control. if Mom makes comments or asks for something I can't do anything about I try to talk it over with her and let her know I empathize. I ask what she thinks; what she wants and try to work on those if possible. Giving myself permission not to act, not to have control is really freeing and much less stressful.
I realized discussing control here in my blog was important after having lunch with a friend last week. Her elderly and frail in-laws just moved from their home to an apartment near her family. The intent of the move was completely honorable and she and her husband are doing all they can for his parents - more than many people might do. But, my friend must realize - for her own sanity - that she can't control absolutely everything. My friend complained that she sent a list of requests to the doctor with her mother in law. The list included many details, requests for tests and information; when the elderly in-laws came home, only 2/3 of the list was completed. My friend was upset. "Now I'll have to spend hours on the phone making these requests and pusing to getting it all done." The things left undone where basics like cholesterol checks, fecal smears for colon cancer and drug interactions. I thought - 2/3 of it was DONE?! Wow, I'd be happy with that!
She was so upset that I didn't dare say anything at this point but did try to take the heat off her in-laws by pointing out that the doctor might not be able to do the tests due to insurance restrictions. In this case, she wanted a whole lot of control. She wanted to know all of this information and wanted it all done by the new physician as a baseline for their care. It's an honorable intent but not necessarily possible. In a day or so, I'll send a card and write the poem about change and mention a word or two about control. I hope she'll get my message that we can't control everything all the time and to try that will only make YOU feel worse. If you're trying to control too much or too many people, think about whether you CAN do something that will have a positive outcome. If not, let it go. Your parent needs you to be positive and healthy as much as your spouse, your own kids and as much you do for yourself.
I've learned to wisely "position things", to "discuss", to finagle, to... well, maniupulate Mom and others to get things done. I don't like to use the word "manipulate" but that's what all of this positioning, discussing and finagling means - I must use my best manipulative behaviors and it's hard for me to do. Normally, I hate manipulators and I'm vulnerable to such people. I feel like a hypocrit but in this case I must feel okay with it. Sometimes it is wise to manipulate if it's for an unselfish and positive outcome. I use these skills so that Mom feels in control of the decisions concerning her life. I try to ensure that she feels heard; that she has some input over what happens - that it's HER decision or preference.
It's wise to understand when I CANNOT control something. I can't control the doctor's schedule, the type of toilet paper the ALF uses; how the ALF does laundry' whether my brothers visit or not. I can only control what I do in these instances. I am forced to ask myself whether I can do something about such situations. If I can do something, I will. If I cannot , then I wisely, give myself permission not to act, not to try and control. if Mom makes comments or asks for something I can't do anything about I try to talk it over with her and let her know I empathize. I ask what she thinks; what she wants and try to work on those if possible. Giving myself permission not to act, not to have control is really freeing and much less stressful.
I realized discussing control here in my blog was important after having lunch with a friend last week. Her elderly and frail in-laws just moved from their home to an apartment near her family. The intent of the move was completely honorable and she and her husband are doing all they can for his parents - more than many people might do. But, my friend must realize - for her own sanity - that she can't control absolutely everything. My friend complained that she sent a list of requests to the doctor with her mother in law. The list included many details, requests for tests and information; when the elderly in-laws came home, only 2/3 of the list was completed. My friend was upset. "Now I'll have to spend hours on the phone making these requests and pusing to getting it all done." The things left undone where basics like cholesterol checks, fecal smears for colon cancer and drug interactions. I thought - 2/3 of it was DONE?! Wow, I'd be happy with that!
She was so upset that I didn't dare say anything at this point but did try to take the heat off her in-laws by pointing out that the doctor might not be able to do the tests due to insurance restrictions. In this case, she wanted a whole lot of control. She wanted to know all of this information and wanted it all done by the new physician as a baseline for their care. It's an honorable intent but not necessarily possible. In a day or so, I'll send a card and write the poem about change and mention a word or two about control. I hope she'll get my message that we can't control everything all the time and to try that will only make YOU feel worse. If you're trying to control too much or too many people, think about whether you CAN do something that will have a positive outcome. If not, let it go. Your parent needs you to be positive and healthy as much as your spouse, your own kids and as much you do for yourself.
My 3am worry sessions...
So here I am, again, 3am, wide awake, worrying and feeling frustrated. To stave off the inevitable heart burn that comes with these episodes, I'm sitting up on the couch in the dark listening to NPR on my laptop. This has become a weekly ritual for me over the past two years. It's not a pity party, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. When this happens my mind races with issues about Mom - or other things but mostly Mom or her business affairs - and I just can't sleep. I often wonder if it's my subconscious trying to solve problems that I don't have time for during my waking hours.
There are so many things distract me from helping my Mom - or put it correctly - I don't have time to do all the things I want to do for my Mom. Today, I'm thinking of things that aren't vital to her physical well being but are vital to her emotional well being: can she easily get to the sink to sit and brush her teeth daily? Is she getting help to her weekly hair appointments? What about a permanent before the holidays, a new phone with volume control, getting out of her room for a 2pm coffee date with a new acquaintance, getting to resident meetings to stimulate her.... and on and on.
I believe that the emotional aspect of her situation - her whole life really - is equally important and most often overlooked in cases like hers. The staff at her ALF just don't have the time to work with her individually, it's no different from me. I don't have the time either and I feel terrible guilt because I don't. It would be a full time job, like being a stay at home mom with a toddler; I'd be a stay at home daughter.
When it comes to our parents I believe that most of us are all still narcissist kids and we just can't wrap our heads around the change in our roles. I don't mean narcissist in the most self-centered negative sense. I mean that we are looking out for our selves; trying to keep our own heads above water with jobs, kids, our own households to tend. There's just so much to do that we tend not to see how much help our parents really need. Once you're able to do that the role reversal from child to parent-of-parent seems complete. After decades of expecting them to consider our emotional state and help teach us how to handle our own needs, we have to put that training to work and turn the tables to help them. We have to turn our attention away from ourselves (and our kids if we'd had them) to our parents.
At this moment, I feel better. This blog is a quick distraction but Mom's needs remain so for now I'll do what I can at 3am. I'll search the internet for a new phone, I'll email my sistern in law about getting Mom to a hair appointment. I'll add some things to my to do list and keep plugging away. It's what my Mom would do if she were awake at 3am and worried about her own mother.
There are so many things distract me from helping my Mom - or put it correctly - I don't have time to do all the things I want to do for my Mom. Today, I'm thinking of things that aren't vital to her physical well being but are vital to her emotional well being: can she easily get to the sink to sit and brush her teeth daily? Is she getting help to her weekly hair appointments? What about a permanent before the holidays, a new phone with volume control, getting out of her room for a 2pm coffee date with a new acquaintance, getting to resident meetings to stimulate her.... and on and on.
I believe that the emotional aspect of her situation - her whole life really - is equally important and most often overlooked in cases like hers. The staff at her ALF just don't have the time to work with her individually, it's no different from me. I don't have the time either and I feel terrible guilt because I don't. It would be a full time job, like being a stay at home mom with a toddler; I'd be a stay at home daughter.
When it comes to our parents I believe that most of us are all still narcissist kids and we just can't wrap our heads around the change in our roles. I don't mean narcissist in the most self-centered negative sense. I mean that we are looking out for our selves; trying to keep our own heads above water with jobs, kids, our own households to tend. There's just so much to do that we tend not to see how much help our parents really need. Once you're able to do that the role reversal from child to parent-of-parent seems complete. After decades of expecting them to consider our emotional state and help teach us how to handle our own needs, we have to put that training to work and turn the tables to help them. We have to turn our attention away from ourselves (and our kids if we'd had them) to our parents.
At this moment, I feel better. This blog is a quick distraction but Mom's needs remain so for now I'll do what I can at 3am. I'll search the internet for a new phone, I'll email my sistern in law about getting Mom to a hair appointment. I'll add some things to my to do list and keep plugging away. It's what my Mom would do if she were awake at 3am and worried about her own mother.
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