I've come to feel it's necessary to lie my Mom; and I don't feel guilty about it. It was hard to get over that guilt but it just makes life so much EASIER for her and thus for me. Mom lived comfortably because she and Dad had little debt. Their social security and pension monies were enough to ensure they had plenty and could easily meet the utility costs in their home. Mom's rent at the ALF has consumed all but $3000 of her savings and I'm about ready to apply for state aid - in her state it's called Medicaide. Mom would be horrified to take it and that her savings are gone so I lie.
I lie about her money, I lie about the condition of her little old house and I lie about my personal life - all to keep her content and feeling like things are just fine. Over the past couple of years her ability to comprehend and process complex matters has decreased so I take advantage of that. "..take advantage.." sounds negative but it's not at all. Yes, I'm manipulating the situation and taking advantage of her diminished capacity but it's for her own good. It's all to ensure she doesn't worry.
Often she'll ask me about the utility bills at her house or the property taxes or she'll an ad on TV and want something completely goofy. I tell her that we paid the bills last week, "We wrote the checks out together." I tell her that I'll order the object for her and bring it on my next visit.... By my next visit, she's forgotten all about the bills and the goofy object.
I've always been very honest with my parents and both were very intelligent and able to tackle any complex topic or issue but that's way beyond my Mom now. By lieing to her, I make her feel that things are just fine so she doesn't worry. For her, it's very important not to worry. As an epileptic she easily has anxiety attacks which will trigger a grand mal seizure which could be deadly at her advanced age. Mom is still intelligent and curious and I'm happy that she is easily distracted by TV - the Animal Planet, How it's Made, the History Channel, the Discovery Channel and such... I lie to her and she happily goes back to her programs to feed her brain and I feel good that she's content.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Old feet have special needs
Update: 12/18/2011: another entry old caring for old feet
Update: 3/20/2011: Please look at the comment section for some specific ideas on caring for old feet.
Original entry Oct 2009:
As a great display of respect and humbleness Christ washed the feet of his disciples. There's a good reason why it was considered such a respectful act - feet were GROSE. Feet are still grose but in Christ's time, it was even worse. Ancient people had less access to water and soap, shoes were basically sandals, and who knows what they walked in given that transportation was done with animals not gas-powered vehicles. Last night I helped mom with a difficult task - I washed her feet and cut her toe nails. For elderly people cutting toe nails is often physically impossible and it's hard to find a foot doctor willing to do it. Our Elders are too stiff to bend down that far or pull their legs up that close. Toe nails are often thick and really, really tough to cut. Foot doctors, or podiatrists, used to cut toe nails but due to cuts in payments by medicare, medicaide and private insurance they say they make no money on the procedure.
I've done this for my Mom for a long time and I'm the only one she really trusts to do a gentle job. To start, I soak Mom's feet in warm water with epsome salts - no soap or lotion added because that can cause dryness if I don't rinse it off well. Epsome salt also has mild antibacterial qualities. The water can't be too warm and what's warm to me is hot to her. Once her feet have soaked for about 10 minutes, I leave one foot soaking while I sit on a small stool and gently work on her feet. I ease a wash cloth between her toes and delicately move it back and forth like floss to clean between her toes. This is especially important because you don't want to leave this area damp and you want to remove all the dead skin or lint from sock and slippers. To clip her toenails I use both flat and rounded clippers, it depends on the nail. I also use files to smooth the nails on top and picks to remove anything between the sides of the toe nails and her flesh.
Let's face it - feet are smelly and ugly but this is a necessary task for the health and well being of our Elders. We need to be open about these basic elements of hygiene - toes, hands, skin, bottoms, ears and heads. I'll bring these out of the bathroom so to speak and discuss each in detail here. Though often overlooked, these are important to the well being and good care of our Elders. It makes them feel better and what makes them feel better enhances their quality of life.
Update: 3/20/2011: Please look at the comment section for some specific ideas on caring for old feet.
Original entry Oct 2009:
As a great display of respect and humbleness Christ washed the feet of his disciples. There's a good reason why it was considered such a respectful act - feet were GROSE. Feet are still grose but in Christ's time, it was even worse. Ancient people had less access to water and soap, shoes were basically sandals, and who knows what they walked in given that transportation was done with animals not gas-powered vehicles. Last night I helped mom with a difficult task - I washed her feet and cut her toe nails. For elderly people cutting toe nails is often physically impossible and it's hard to find a foot doctor willing to do it. Our Elders are too stiff to bend down that far or pull their legs up that close. Toe nails are often thick and really, really tough to cut. Foot doctors, or podiatrists, used to cut toe nails but due to cuts in payments by medicare, medicaide and private insurance they say they make no money on the procedure.
I've done this for my Mom for a long time and I'm the only one she really trusts to do a gentle job. To start, I soak Mom's feet in warm water with epsome salts - no soap or lotion added because that can cause dryness if I don't rinse it off well. Epsome salt also has mild antibacterial qualities. The water can't be too warm and what's warm to me is hot to her. Once her feet have soaked for about 10 minutes, I leave one foot soaking while I sit on a small stool and gently work on her feet. I ease a wash cloth between her toes and delicately move it back and forth like floss to clean between her toes. This is especially important because you don't want to leave this area damp and you want to remove all the dead skin or lint from sock and slippers. To clip her toenails I use both flat and rounded clippers, it depends on the nail. I also use files to smooth the nails on top and picks to remove anything between the sides of the toe nails and her flesh.
Let's face it - feet are smelly and ugly but this is a necessary task for the health and well being of our Elders. We need to be open about these basic elements of hygiene - toes, hands, skin, bottoms, ears and heads. I'll bring these out of the bathroom so to speak and discuss each in detail here. Though often overlooked, these are important to the well being and good care of our Elders. It makes them feel better and what makes them feel better enhances their quality of life.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Source for helpful stuff
As I help Mom, one of the things that frustrates me most is that that I can't easily find products to aid people weakened by arthritis. I want a credible outlet with reasonable prices for things that will make daily things easier and help her live as independently as possible. I FINALLY found a great source with prices that I think are reasonable. They have an online store AND will send a catalog. Here it is:
www.goldenviolin.com
Happy shopping!
www.goldenviolin.com
Happy shopping!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Two months away from Mom and I see a big difference
I've said before that I think Mom ages in spurts and I saw more evidence of that today. I hate to admit it but she seems even weaker, paler and in some moments more easily confused but she is still trying very hard to stay "with it".
She is using the wheel chair to move from her recliner to the bathroom and back and also to all of her meals. Getting into and out of the wheel chair is exhausting for her. Today, the maintenance man installed a floor to ceiling "grab pole" to give her something to hang onto as she gets moves from recliner to wheel chair and back. I don't know if it will help or hurt. She has no strength in her hands so I don't know if a vertical bar will be beneficial; a horizontal bar seems more practical but they can't install something like that. She grabs on to the arms of these chairs and tries to pivot on her feet but her poor old knees don't hold her up for more than a minute or two at a time.
After spending 30 minutes with her and the nurse from the ALF, we finally got on our way to a ride in the sunshine. During the ride she was clear for the most part, she complained about the food - it's quality and quantity - given the nearly $3000 a month for rent. She complained about the frequency of laundry and is concerned about her funds running out - which they are. She wants to pay rent and feels cheated at times. She is able to be objective because she realizes she needs a lot of help and that the employees try hard to help her and always come when she calls. Ten minutes later she had trouble remembering where we were and wondered about seeing a friend and finding their house. Unfortunately the friends had been gone for years. I gently pointed that out and she began to name the friends she's lost in the last decade... she got sad, as usual, and counted, on one hand, those that are left. I'll take her to see them next week and hope that makes her feel better.
She is using the wheel chair to move from her recliner to the bathroom and back and also to all of her meals. Getting into and out of the wheel chair is exhausting for her. Today, the maintenance man installed a floor to ceiling "grab pole" to give her something to hang onto as she gets moves from recliner to wheel chair and back. I don't know if it will help or hurt. She has no strength in her hands so I don't know if a vertical bar will be beneficial; a horizontal bar seems more practical but they can't install something like that. She grabs on to the arms of these chairs and tries to pivot on her feet but her poor old knees don't hold her up for more than a minute or two at a time.
After spending 30 minutes with her and the nurse from the ALF, we finally got on our way to a ride in the sunshine. During the ride she was clear for the most part, she complained about the food - it's quality and quantity - given the nearly $3000 a month for rent. She complained about the frequency of laundry and is concerned about her funds running out - which they are. She wants to pay rent and feels cheated at times. She is able to be objective because she realizes she needs a lot of help and that the employees try hard to help her and always come when she calls. Ten minutes later she had trouble remembering where we were and wondered about seeing a friend and finding their house. Unfortunately the friends had been gone for years. I gently pointed that out and she began to name the friends she's lost in the last decade... she got sad, as usual, and counted, on one hand, those that are left. I'll take her to see them next week and hope that makes her feel better.
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