A few of my friends are going through similar situations as me - trying to help a parent move into a smaller home or one who can't live home alone any longer. One in particular gave me a really rough time the other day and I'm seeing some really old, deep-seated resentments bubbling up to the surface. She's become mean spirited, unkind and makes catty remarks "at" me. She's recently moved her mom into her home - which I admire because it requires so much patience and time. Since then, when we speak she goes to great lengths to use the term "I can't be that self-centered...", "well, you don't have to give up anything like we do...". When I speak about doing something with my husband like going to a movie, I get an eye roll and some comment like, "...if ONLY we had time to do that or, we can't, we have kids in college."
She seems to think that I've had it so easy, like I'm a spoiled child and do everything for myself. Now it's my turn to pull the martyr act....If she only KNEW what I've had to do since my early 30's - that's 15+ years! While she was raising a family, I was dealing with sick uncles, a terminally ill father and an epileptic Mom who needed special support to help prevent seizures. For five years I drove 12 hours round trip every other weekend to help my parents. I took jobs that enabled me to take 3 day weekends and that flexibility cost me raises, promotions and employers took advantage of my need for extra time. I had no social life, no chance to meet new friends much less a nice guy. Now I've got to work to make up for the retirement savings that I spent going back and forth. Because I need to work now and because my Mom needs so much physical assistance, her living with me is just not a good idea. She needs help 24-7 and I just can't do that for her. My husband and I are also trying to transition from our home in Indiana to Portland, Oregon. We have no home to move her in to. I also hate to move Mom to a new community because it would be difficult to find a physician willing to accept her medicare - though my "friend" would call that an excuse.
She judges me because I won't take my Mom into my home. She doesn't want to see that I can't - and there are a variety of reasons but she's too busy being judgemental and self righteous to listen to them. I've spent years being understanding of her needs, attitudes, her choices and I've been happy that she's created a wonderful life and family. I'm not getting the same understanding - I feel like I'm a supportive friend but when I need a friend, it's not there. I see the need for the old saying...." with friends like that...who needs enemies." I don't feel like I have a friend in her any longer. I makes me really sad but I am also resolved to remove the toxic relationships in my life. She'd call that self-centered, I call it self-preservation.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Caregiver study makes me say "Well, NO SH__!"
Listening to the radio the other day I heard a news article about a study that "revealed" (heavy dramatic sarcasm intended) that 30% of American's are acting as care givers for a family member. The study of 2000 caregivers, called Caregiving in the US 2009, was conducted by the AARP with funding from the MetLife Foundation. It revealed that care giving is - now I'm quoting Elinor Ginzler of the AARP here - "essentially a half time job." Well NO SH__T!
The article further states: Many of the results of the survey are similar to those from earlier versions in 2004 and 1999. Two-thirds of caregivers are women. The average age is about 48. Almost all--86 percent--care for a relative. Most often, 36 percent of the time, it's for a parent. On average, caregivers have been providing care for 4.6 years, and three in ten report doing so for five years or more.
..and...
Ginzler says one of the biggest changes to show up in the survey this year is just how much caregiving can interfere with regular work. "Making accommodations in the workplace has increased in several ways," she says. "In most cases, two thirds of them, means they either go in late, leave early or take time off."
Again, all I can say is WELL NO SH__T!! And I DO mean the SH__ word because I'm disgusted with studies like this and no other word expresses my disgust better than that. Growing up it seemed that everyone I knew was involved in helping an elderly parent, grand parent, relative or neighbor. It's just what you DID - it's what you DO because it's the RIGHT thing to do. Why do we need studies to prove it? Don't these decision makers look around at their own families and those of their employees?
I'm sure this study is well intended. I know that the AARP and MetLife want to track trends, but if you got the same results in 1999 and 2004 - please DO SOMETHING PRACTICAL TO HELP! Here are a few ideas:
As our representatives in the US House and Senate fight over health care, I hope that they will be wise enough to look at the WHOLE picture and give some relief to those of us who just do the right thing. I hope they would encourage companies to do things like this rather than listen to the insurance industry hacks who are worried about enrolling young, healthy people at the highest rate possible. Most of us work for other people on their schedules. In between those work hours, we raise kids, we clean, we cook, we help our families and each other. We deserve a break!
To find the radio segment or read the article follow this link to National Public Radio (NPR):
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2009/12/caring_for_elderly_and_disable.html.
The article further states: Many of the results of the survey are similar to those from earlier versions in 2004 and 1999. Two-thirds of caregivers are women. The average age is about 48. Almost all--86 percent--care for a relative. Most often, 36 percent of the time, it's for a parent. On average, caregivers have been providing care for 4.6 years, and three in ten report doing so for five years or more.
..and...
Ginzler says one of the biggest changes to show up in the survey this year is just how much caregiving can interfere with regular work. "Making accommodations in the workplace has increased in several ways," she says. "In most cases, two thirds of them, means they either go in late, leave early or take time off."
Again, all I can say is WELL NO SH__T!! And I DO mean the SH__ word because I'm disgusted with studies like this and no other word expresses my disgust better than that. Growing up it seemed that everyone I knew was involved in helping an elderly parent, grand parent, relative or neighbor. It's just what you DID - it's what you DO because it's the RIGHT thing to do. Why do we need studies to prove it? Don't these decision makers look around at their own families and those of their employees?
I'm sure this study is well intended. I know that the AARP and MetLife want to track trends, but if you got the same results in 1999 and 2004 - please DO SOMETHING PRACTICAL TO HELP! Here are a few ideas:
- Give them half or full pay for hours worked on programs to repair homes of elderly residents or to install ramps, tubs, counters, - any repair or remodel that helps people age in place.
- Encourage employers to look at the WHOLE value of an employee and NOT penalize them with lower wages for flex time.
- Pay for respite care so your care-giving employees can have a day off away from work AND family responsibilities
- Give tax credits to people who work to keep their parents OUT of nursing homes, the requirement to provide 50% of their support is too high too meet given social security and pension incomes
- Sponsor care giver clinics to help people understand the legal issues that might come up when helping elderly parents and to identify what type of help is available to their parent/relative/neighbor
As our representatives in the US House and Senate fight over health care, I hope that they will be wise enough to look at the WHOLE picture and give some relief to those of us who just do the right thing. I hope they would encourage companies to do things like this rather than listen to the insurance industry hacks who are worried about enrolling young, healthy people at the highest rate possible. Most of us work for other people on their schedules. In between those work hours, we raise kids, we clean, we cook, we help our families and each other. We deserve a break!
To find the radio segment or read the article follow this link to National Public Radio (NPR):
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2009/12/caring_for_elderly_and_disable.html.
A hard talk with ALF Director and I still don't feel better
I discussed the "plunger incident" with the ALF Director on Monday afternoon and I didn't feel much better afterward. Though she was nice, I don't feel the matter will generate the attention and actions I think it deserves. Apparently she got a call Friday evening and the staff discussed it that morning in their "stand up" meeting - I guess that means they all stand around and relay news.
I wanted to hear that she'd taken some more proactive approach to investigating this and then making a plan for prevention. First, she wanted me to relay exactly WHAT happened so I did in great detail. I told her that I suspect the plunger full of poo had been sitting in the corning since morning because Mom said she smelled something earlier in the day. The Director said basically said ..so you're not SURE it was there all day? That didn't make me happy... I finally said, I don't care WHEN it was used, I care that it was left in the corner full of poo and it's unhealthy and unsafe. I care that my mom's room smelled like a fetid sewer for hours and no one investigated!
After 10 minutes I was not getting any idea of what she planned to do so I directly said: Look, I'm a "fixer", that's how I've made my living so here's what I want to see from you:
I ended the conversation by saying that I believe she WANTS mom to get good care but things like this are a risk. If something EVEN CLOSE to this happens again, I'm calling the state to report it. Dealing with the "inputs and outputs" - food and poo - are the most basic necessities we have whether we're dealing with babies or elderly parents so I'd hope they'd have techniques and processes to deal with all kinds of scenarios.
I wanted to hear that she'd taken some more proactive approach to investigating this and then making a plan for prevention. First, she wanted me to relay exactly WHAT happened so I did in great detail. I told her that I suspect the plunger full of poo had been sitting in the corning since morning because Mom said she smelled something earlier in the day. The Director said basically said ..so you're not SURE it was there all day? That didn't make me happy... I finally said, I don't care WHEN it was used, I care that it was left in the corner full of poo and it's unhealthy and unsafe. I care that my mom's room smelled like a fetid sewer for hours and no one investigated!
After 10 minutes I was not getting any idea of what she planned to do so I directly said: Look, I'm a "fixer", that's how I've made my living so here's what I want to see from you:
- identify the aides that worked that day, if you can't identify the specific aide, talk with them ALL
- train them on how to properly USE and CLEAN a plunger after it's been used
- train them on the proper way to empty a commode and do it in two flushes
- get different plungers that don't have so many surfaces for stuff to hide
I ended the conversation by saying that I believe she WANTS mom to get good care but things like this are a risk. If something EVEN CLOSE to this happens again, I'm calling the state to report it. Dealing with the "inputs and outputs" - food and poo - are the most basic necessities we have whether we're dealing with babies or elderly parents so I'd hope they'd have techniques and processes to deal with all kinds of scenarios.
Friday, December 4, 2009
I'm ENRAGED and ready to complain to the state Dept of Health!!!!!!!!!
After visiting Mom this evening, there are not enough colorful adjectives to describe my anger at her ALF, the aids, the management -the whole kit & kaboodle. As I entered her room the stench of urine was over whelming and just GROSE! She said she'd noticed it that morning - which meant it smelled BAD all day. All day and no one there thought to look for the problem? I immediately went looking for the source. Her commode was in the shower, empty so I cleaned it. That didn't do the trick. Looking around the bathroom, I noticed an odd looking plunger near the toilet and it bad bits of paper stuck to it. I picked it up and a pile of wet tissue, poop and urine PLOPPED ONTO THE FLOOR!! I was ready to blow up right there but didn't want to upset mom.
This was no ordinary plunger, it's got a very long "bowl" portion that has all kinds of "folds" like an accordian - that means more places to hold urine, feces and tissue. My first thought was "What a stupid plunger!!" I just wanted this stench to stop so I filled the plunger with water and dumped it in the toilet - even MORE stuff came out of it. I rinsed it 4 times until crap - LITERALLY CRAP - stopped coming out of it. I left the pile on the floor and went down to the nursing station to demand that someone come clean it up - NOW
The CNA on the floor had no sense of urgency about cleaning it up which made me even more angry. I approached her and said "I am ready to BLOW UP, I am so mad right now...." I explained what I found and what I did. I told them that the Executive Director should expect a call first thing on Monday. I did not raise my voice. I didn't want to upset the other residents so I stayed very calm but it was hard, very hard. I was shaking, I was so mad. I told her about the stench, I told her it had to be there since the morning and that I left a pile in the corner that should be cleaned up NOW. I got the standard response, "I'll send an aide down there."
30 minutes later, there was no aid and I was even more angry - if that's possible. I had to leave or I was going to say a LOT of things at decibel levels that everyone would regret. I stormed down to the nurses station to demand an aide NOW or I was calling the state. I told them that if it happened again, I'd call the state. This is a matter of health and safety not just bad smells! What if they'd got it on the floor and Mom walked through it? An aide followed me back to the room and began to clean while I told Mom good night.
On my way home I called my sister-in-law to vent, my brother answered and after hearing about this told me that there were two other occasions when he noticed the plunger and he cleaned it too. It didn't "contain" anything but there was paper on it so he figured it needed a rinsing. I am SO sorry that I selected such a large place for Mom. There are over 100 residents in this place and it's about 40 too many. They ned more help and help that is willing to do the dirty work of taking care of other humans. It doesn't matter if they are old, young, rich or poor - there is poo, pee, vomit, tears, food, smelly feet - all kinds of things to do whether it's a baby or an Elder. BOTH deserve better care and attention than this.
This was no ordinary plunger, it's got a very long "bowl" portion that has all kinds of "folds" like an accordian - that means more places to hold urine, feces and tissue. My first thought was "What a stupid plunger!!" I just wanted this stench to stop so I filled the plunger with water and dumped it in the toilet - even MORE stuff came out of it. I rinsed it 4 times until crap - LITERALLY CRAP - stopped coming out of it. I left the pile on the floor and went down to the nursing station to demand that someone come clean it up - NOW
The CNA on the floor had no sense of urgency about cleaning it up which made me even more angry. I approached her and said "I am ready to BLOW UP, I am so mad right now...." I explained what I found and what I did. I told them that the Executive Director should expect a call first thing on Monday. I did not raise my voice. I didn't want to upset the other residents so I stayed very calm but it was hard, very hard. I was shaking, I was so mad. I told her about the stench, I told her it had to be there since the morning and that I left a pile in the corner that should be cleaned up NOW. I got the standard response, "I'll send an aide down there."
30 minutes later, there was no aid and I was even more angry - if that's possible. I had to leave or I was going to say a LOT of things at decibel levels that everyone would regret. I stormed down to the nurses station to demand an aide NOW or I was calling the state. I told them that if it happened again, I'd call the state. This is a matter of health and safety not just bad smells! What if they'd got it on the floor and Mom walked through it? An aide followed me back to the room and began to clean while I told Mom good night.
On my way home I called my sister-in-law to vent, my brother answered and after hearing about this told me that there were two other occasions when he noticed the plunger and he cleaned it too. It didn't "contain" anything but there was paper on it so he figured it needed a rinsing. I am SO sorry that I selected such a large place for Mom. There are over 100 residents in this place and it's about 40 too many. They ned more help and help that is willing to do the dirty work of taking care of other humans. It doesn't matter if they are old, young, rich or poor - there is poo, pee, vomit, tears, food, smelly feet - all kinds of things to do whether it's a baby or an Elder. BOTH deserve better care and attention than this.
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