Mom's first Christmas Eve in assisted living was bitter sweet. She was full of "bah humbug" attitude when we went to pick her up. Even a couple of days before Christmas she was excited for the season. She had some goodies and wanted to share them with hot coffee and good company. We did that on the 23rd. On the 24th the bright mood she had faded into the blues. As I helped her get dressed she complained about everything - she's sick of the Christmas tree and decorations; the aides ate her little candy canes too fast and didn't leave any for her; the food at lunch was too tough to cut and she's sick and tired of their under cooked rolls. She didn't want to go in the wheel chair, she's embarrassed to use it; she could walk if it weren't for "that thing". She wanted her fancy black shoes (forgetting that her feet are too swollen to fit any longer); her hair was mess....etc, etc, etc. There was nothing to say that would lighten her attitude so we didn't try. We bundled her up and got her in the car.
At my brothers house my husband and nephew sat her ON the walker and hoisted her up the 3 steps. (She weighs about 90 lbs now so lifting her isn't bad.) Once inside a hug and "hi gamma" from her great grand daughter (age 2 1/2) lifted her spirits. We took turns sitting with her and talking. We got her a plate of hot food, soda, pie and gave her lots of hugs and kisses. We opened gifts and made fun of each other. She was like a different person and enjoyed herself. On the drive back to her ALF, she got a little weepy and returned to her theme - "If I were home, I'd be fine. People would come over and I'd enjoy the holidays again." Over the past two months she's said this more and more. There is nothing we can say to make her agree that she can't be home. It takes a fall or something else like that to make her say - but only once or twice - that she feels safer the ALF. We don't push it with her and perhaps that's the best gift we can give her - to NOT argue with her.
We never tell her she's forgetful; we never tell her she's weak. We DO tell her that her house and bathroom aren't safe for her any longer. We ensure that she's as comfortable as possible, we take her out, we go for drives, we visit. We tell her she's loved and we make her part of things. It's hard to do without getting upset ourselves. We don't want to see Mom unhappy, feeling isolated or abandoned but at this point in her life, there is very little we can do to make her happy. Even if she were home she'd complain about the same things - she DID complain about the same things and we all felt guilty because we couldn't do anymore. The fact that she's living in the ALF just makes us feel even more guilt. Leaving her there room is still very difficult but we also feel some relief knowing that she has help 24-7. I think we need to work on giving ourselves the gift of REASON and realize that we DO a lot for her. We try as best we can and that's enough. We saw our Mom do the same thing for her parents and in-laws. We know she felt guilty then and that the woman she was during that period WOULD NOT want us to feel guilty now. It's a gift we must realize and accept from her but it's a hard gift to take to heart.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Mom's missing Christmas chaos and it upsets her
We got to my home town and Mom's apartment this evening. I stayed and visited for three hours over coffee and holiday cookies. Mom mentioned three times that she ought to be home baking, decorating and getting ready for company. Of course, I gently told her that she just can't be at home anymore, she needs too much help. The second time she said it, I realized that she's sorry she CAN'T do it anymore. It's not that she isn't HOME, she can't bake, she can't put up decorations; she wants a houseful of people to tend to again. I know how much I enjoy entertaining and I learned it from her. For her to NOT be involved makes her feel awful and so very old and incapable. I don't know how she can stand it. I fear how I'll handle it when it's my turn.
So tonight, rather than feeling the joy of the season, I'm feeling so bad for my sweet little mom. I don't want her to feel that she has nothing to contribute. I don't want her to feel ignored and abandoned. Tomorrow we'll take her, her walker, her wheel chair and bundle her up for a ride to my sister-in-laws house. We'll get her settled at the kitchen table, get her set up to peel potatoes or something else and help her feel like she's part of things still. She'll be slow, we'll probably have to do half the job but it's worth it to make her feel good again even for an evening.
So tonight, rather than feeling the joy of the season, I'm feeling so bad for my sweet little mom. I don't want her to feel that she has nothing to contribute. I don't want her to feel ignored and abandoned. Tomorrow we'll take her, her walker, her wheel chair and bundle her up for a ride to my sister-in-laws house. We'll get her settled at the kitchen table, get her set up to peel potatoes or something else and help her feel like she's part of things still. She'll be slow, we'll probably have to do half the job but it's worth it to make her feel good again even for an evening.
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Plunger Incident caused some waves but we'll see...
I got an email from the ALF Director a couple of days ago. She outlined the preventive measures they put in place after the messy plunger was left in Mom's room. It contained all of the things I wanted to see but I am dubious. It's because I must rely on others judgement and sense of responsibility to help my mom and NO ONE will take as good care of her as I would.
I fear what will happen - or really, what won't happen - when I'm not there to keep an eye out. I wonder if they ensure she knows about the nail spas, the music and singers that come to entertain and if they help her to the living room where she can have coffee and visit.
My family and I are committed to keeping an eye out. We'll coordinate with each other and we'll report any problems to the state next time. But, they don't visit as often as they should and I can't be there more than a week at a time, so what happens when we're not there? What happens when she's on her own? I spoke to a couple of the regular aides and they said they will try to keep an eye on her and on the other aides who might not care as much. It's something - I hope for their good intentions to come true. It's all I can do until I can get there again.
I fear what will happen - or really, what won't happen - when I'm not there to keep an eye out. I wonder if they ensure she knows about the nail spas, the music and singers that come to entertain and if they help her to the living room where she can have coffee and visit.
My family and I are committed to keeping an eye out. We'll coordinate with each other and we'll report any problems to the state next time. But, they don't visit as often as they should and I can't be there more than a week at a time, so what happens when we're not there? What happens when she's on her own? I spoke to a couple of the regular aides and they said they will try to keep an eye on her and on the other aides who might not care as much. It's something - I hope for their good intentions to come true. It's all I can do until I can get there again.
Friends judgement is hurtful enough to end relationship
A few of my friends are going through similar situations as me - trying to help a parent move into a smaller home or one who can't live home alone any longer. One in particular gave me a really rough time the other day and I'm seeing some really old, deep-seated resentments bubbling up to the surface. She's become mean spirited, unkind and makes catty remarks "at" me. She's recently moved her mom into her home - which I admire because it requires so much patience and time. Since then, when we speak she goes to great lengths to use the term "I can't be that self-centered...", "well, you don't have to give up anything like we do...". When I speak about doing something with my husband like going to a movie, I get an eye roll and some comment like, "...if ONLY we had time to do that or, we can't, we have kids in college."
She seems to think that I've had it so easy, like I'm a spoiled child and do everything for myself. Now it's my turn to pull the martyr act....If she only KNEW what I've had to do since my early 30's - that's 15+ years! While she was raising a family, I was dealing with sick uncles, a terminally ill father and an epileptic Mom who needed special support to help prevent seizures. For five years I drove 12 hours round trip every other weekend to help my parents. I took jobs that enabled me to take 3 day weekends and that flexibility cost me raises, promotions and employers took advantage of my need for extra time. I had no social life, no chance to meet new friends much less a nice guy. Now I've got to work to make up for the retirement savings that I spent going back and forth. Because I need to work now and because my Mom needs so much physical assistance, her living with me is just not a good idea. She needs help 24-7 and I just can't do that for her. My husband and I are also trying to transition from our home in Indiana to Portland, Oregon. We have no home to move her in to. I also hate to move Mom to a new community because it would be difficult to find a physician willing to accept her medicare - though my "friend" would call that an excuse.
She judges me because I won't take my Mom into my home. She doesn't want to see that I can't - and there are a variety of reasons but she's too busy being judgemental and self righteous to listen to them. I've spent years being understanding of her needs, attitudes, her choices and I've been happy that she's created a wonderful life and family. I'm not getting the same understanding - I feel like I'm a supportive friend but when I need a friend, it's not there. I see the need for the old saying...." with friends like that...who needs enemies." I don't feel like I have a friend in her any longer. I makes me really sad but I am also resolved to remove the toxic relationships in my life. She'd call that self-centered, I call it self-preservation.
She seems to think that I've had it so easy, like I'm a spoiled child and do everything for myself. Now it's my turn to pull the martyr act....If she only KNEW what I've had to do since my early 30's - that's 15+ years! While she was raising a family, I was dealing with sick uncles, a terminally ill father and an epileptic Mom who needed special support to help prevent seizures. For five years I drove 12 hours round trip every other weekend to help my parents. I took jobs that enabled me to take 3 day weekends and that flexibility cost me raises, promotions and employers took advantage of my need for extra time. I had no social life, no chance to meet new friends much less a nice guy. Now I've got to work to make up for the retirement savings that I spent going back and forth. Because I need to work now and because my Mom needs so much physical assistance, her living with me is just not a good idea. She needs help 24-7 and I just can't do that for her. My husband and I are also trying to transition from our home in Indiana to Portland, Oregon. We have no home to move her in to. I also hate to move Mom to a new community because it would be difficult to find a physician willing to accept her medicare - though my "friend" would call that an excuse.
She judges me because I won't take my Mom into my home. She doesn't want to see that I can't - and there are a variety of reasons but she's too busy being judgemental and self righteous to listen to them. I've spent years being understanding of her needs, attitudes, her choices and I've been happy that she's created a wonderful life and family. I'm not getting the same understanding - I feel like I'm a supportive friend but when I need a friend, it's not there. I see the need for the old saying...." with friends like that...who needs enemies." I don't feel like I have a friend in her any longer. I makes me really sad but I am also resolved to remove the toxic relationships in my life. She'd call that self-centered, I call it self-preservation.
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