Just when I thought Mom was adjusting...

On Memorial Day we visited more dead relatives than live ones... there were 14 graves and 10 people for lunch.  I returned Mom to the nursing home and she seemed okay.  However, when I returned the next day, she asked me "Do I have to stay here until I die?"  Each time she asks my heart sinks.  I never say "Yes, STOP ASKING!!"  I use my mantra:  "Your safety comes first, your house won't accommodate a wheelchair. The halls and doors are too small, the bathroom is too cramped.  You can't be alone since you're so weak...."  Then I change the subject, a distraction technique that parents use with little kids.   

This time she came back to her point. She got teary eyed and said that she helped everyone else stay home.  She kept my dad at home.  Other elderly people simply say, "Take me home." My Mom wonders where she'll die.   It's heart wrenching and I wish she could be home.  I wish I was able to take her home but I just can't do it.  I've GOT to work.   Deep inside I realize she knows this, we began talking about it 15 years ago and she told me then to save for my own future.  If her doctor told me tomorrow that she only had a few months left, I'd take her home and live with her there.  I'd do anything she needed but, she's in great shape for a 90 year old and could live for several more years.  

In this case, I just knelt next to her chair, put my arms around her and hugged her.  We both cried a little then she changed the subject.  I guess she's used the distraction tactic too.   It worked well enough for us to have an affectionate moment and say a loving good bye.  I know she'll ask again because her memory is starting to fail and home is always there where she was capable, had lots of familiar people around and where she felt best.  
Mom constantly asked asks to go home what do I tell mom when she asks to go home?

Memorial Day at Mom's house was nice, she didn't mind returning to care center

Mom's been asking to see her little house and yard but we've been afraid to take her home.  We didn't want any sad crying scenes or to send her into a seizure if she became too upset.   We've tried to avoid excuses and honestly, it's been too cold or too wet for to take her home until this weekend.   My cousin came over, we picked flowers from her garden and made bouquets for family graves then went to get Mom. She sat in the car while we left flowers on graves.  She got to see each bouquet and know that roses grown in HER yard honored all those we loved. It meant a lot to her. We joked briefly that we placed more bouquets on graves than we had people coming for lunch - a sad statement...

After the cemetary we went to her house where my brothers and other family were waiting.  We had a nice lunch and all sat together at the table with Mom at the honored "head" spot.   She was very happy and ate a good healthy plate of food.  She was especially happy to have coffee and pie after supper - she doesn't get much pie at the nursing home.  

When talking with her before going to her house I used my mantra:  "it's not safe, the wheelchair is too big, the bathroom too small, the doorways to narrow, you can't be alone anymore..."  She can't argue with these..   Mid way through the day she had to use the bathroom so I helped her. I had a plan to do it and walked through it a couple of times the day before. My plan meant moving her from the wheelchair to a seat on a walker then onto the toilet.  We did the same routine backwards to get from the bathroom back into the wheelchair.  I was concerned since each transfer means a risk of falling.  It was SO much work and I was so worried she'd fall or that I'd drop her.  She tried to pull herself up to stand at the sink but could not. She ended up falling back onto the toilet and sitting there for a few minutes.   After getting her re-routed from toilet to walker to wheelchair she said, I guess you prooved your point, I can't use the bathroom.  She was calm, not too upset but just matter of fact. I didn't say I told you so, I just said, .."yup.  I wish it was different but your safety is our priority."

When it was time to go, I told her we'd have to deliver some supper to a nephew, look at his new house and then take her "back". I feared she'd become upset but she didn't. She was just fine and willing to go. It was a huge relief for us all.   This evening, a day later, she asked again, "How long do I have to be here?  Do I have to spend the rest of my life here?"  I applied the safety mantra again then changed the subject.  I have a feeling that I'll be using it weekly from here on. 
Mom says she wants to go home all the time, she makes me crzy nuts.   I am so sick of hearing Mom demand to go home.

Let go - realize what you CAN do versus what you WANT

The past year I've learned a lot of hard lessons, the most important is that I can't do everything - I must let some things go.   I can't keep up our home & yard in another state, a full-time job, Mom's house & yard, take mom for outings and doctor appointments, mind her finances AND exercise and eat right.    Something is always getting dropped, most often it's something I want for myself - a lunch with the girls, a hobby or craft, a trip to the salon for a haircut....   I am not complaining, but I am confessing that I've become okay with letting some things go for my own sake and my mom's.   I had to prioritize:  People have become important and my relationship with my husband has become the most important thing.   He's been wonderful and patient and I don't know how I'd do this all without him.  

After the past year here are my new priorities:

• 1st:   my husband and my own emotional needs 
• 2nd our financial well being - don't go into debt for others not even Mom, be thrifty & don't sacrifice your ability to save for your own long term care, pay our bills on time
• 2nd Mom's physical needs, is her environment safe? is it clean, clothes cleaned & replaced often, does she get meds on time and in a manner that she's happy with ( she needs to take pills with milk or she gets nauseous)
• 3rd Mom's emotional needs (does she feel loved and get enough mental stimulation?)
• 4th Mom's finances
• Maintaining our relationship with friends and family, keep in contact somehow, forget those who are demanding, fail to understand that you can't do everything
• Our home and yard
• Mom's home and yard

This list has served me well.  I've learned that a few weeds here and there aren't the end of the world, that the roses look just as good without constant deadheading.   I've also learned that it's okay if Mom doesn't have visitors every day, that she WILL survive a brief check up at the doctor on her own and that she will get enough to eat with out my prodding.   She has not changed, my attitude is what's changed.  I've learned to give up some control and stop worrying about what others think of me or of the condition of our home or of her little house and yard.   It's not possible to do it all without killing myself and Mom would not want that.  She'd want me to spend more time visiting with her or taking her out and less time breaking my back. 

Certain aides make life bareable for Mom - my thanks to them

Since Mom's been in assisted living (ALF) and now a nursing home, I've found that certain aides make all the difference when it comes to her sense of well being.   At the ALF there were a four aides that really made Mom's life better.  At her nursing home there are a couple that tell me she's special to them. All have the same thing in common: they were firm but patient, spoke to her in a loving yet NOT condescending manner and showed her affection.   The MOST important trait common to all of these wonderful people is this: they realize that old age is hard and have empathy for the condition of these people.  They understand that they are frustrated by an inability to move or breath easily. They realize that people WANT to do things for themselves but the body is unable.  They give hugs and don't make the residents feel rushed even though there are too many people and not enough time.

Don't get me wrong, not all of the aides and staff that deal with our elders are kind and thoughtful; I've seen plenty of jerks but for the most part, they are kind and try to do right by our elders.