Today I noticed that my brother is leaning on a small bathroom sink for support and I worry it's risky. He's probably 190-210 pounds and the sink is a 40's hunk of heavy vintage porcelain that's attached to the wall with a couple of large screws. Mom's house is pretty old and the sink wavers just a little bit when I attempt to wiggle it. Given my brothers health issues, he'll likely lean on it often and with a lot of weight. So - it's time to replace the sink with a vanity and lighter porcelain that will support his weight.
So - we'll add that to our "safety list": remove old sinks and those with pedestals that might topple when leaned on. The idea of a heavy porcelain sink falling onto my brother or my elderly Mom is just horrific!
how can i make the bathroom safer for mom? safer bathrooms for elderly
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Taking Mom for a ride and screaming inside
Getting Mom out has become a character building experience for me. I try to take Mom for a ride at least once a week when I visit her home town. I make a point to take her some place where she has good memories and ensure we have a good treat along the way. The past few months she seems to have trouble remembering where we're going and continually asks where we are all along the way. She marvels at things as though it's all new to her. When I tell her where we are she replies, "Really??!! I'd never have known; it's so different." I'm left wondering, "Different from WHAT?"
I suppose she is beginning to remember the familiar streets of town as it was decades ago - really, she's FORGETTING many things about her town and region. She remembers buildings and landmarks that are long gone. As we drive she gives me a running commentary about how staying in her "coop" makes her forget and how much things have changed. It's a constant thing when we go out now and it's making me nuts!! However, I NEVER let her know it's making me crazy. Though I'm screaming inside, "YOU SAID THAT ALREADY!...and you said it last time and the time before that, can't you just accept it??!!!!" I don't say a word to her about it. I speak slowly and deliberately so that I don't have so much as a negative tone in my voice. I calmly explain the changes she sees and I make excuses to make her feel better.
She realizes that things have changed a lot and this makes her wonder about her own memory. She says, "Have I really forgotten that much?" I try to make her feel better with excuses about how quickly things change these days; how little she gets out and how much she has to remember after all of her 90 years. I remind her that she remembers MORE than many, many people - often ME included. Then I try to change the subject and ask her about something that I know will bring back good memories. Most of the time, she tells me some story that I've heard by this time but now and then she reveals a gem - something that she and dad did together or some funny story about family or friends. The new stories alone are worth sitting through a lot of rambling. I'll continue to take her for drives and listen to the stories - old and new - because it's good for both of us. I've not been the most patient person throughout my life so this is good practice I suppose but mainly it's good for my Mom. She needs the change of scenery and to relive the good memories we find along the route.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The state of denial is a weird place to live...
I am watching someone live in a state of denial and it's hard to keep my mouth shut. The past couple of weeks I've been staying at my Mom's home where my brother is living. Mom's in a nursing home so it's just the 2 of us there. Normally he's an impatient jerk to family members but this visit, he's been pretty nice and that makes me wonder just what's going on.. He's been visiting a nurse practitioner about high blood pressure and they want to run stress tests in a couple of weeks. I can tell he's anxious about it all.
I can also tell he's suffering from bad emphysema and he mentioned something about COPD - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I also worry about colon cancer since it runs in both sides of our family and he's never been checked. At 66, he's terribly short winded and he can barely do anything requiring exertion. He has an ugly cough that rattles from deep within his chest. He can't walk to the mail box without stopping to catch his breath. He looks at least 10 years older than his age. However, he talks about things as though he's much younger and more able.
I can also tell he's suffering from bad emphysema and he mentioned something about COPD - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I also worry about colon cancer since it runs in both sides of our family and he's never been checked. At 66, he's terribly short winded and he can barely do anything requiring exertion. He has an ugly cough that rattles from deep within his chest. He can't walk to the mail box without stopping to catch his breath. He looks at least 10 years older than his age. However, he talks about things as though he's much younger and more able.
He talks about fishing, moving to the mountains and buying a boat. He talks about travelling to see friends in the Philippines, seeing beaches in Hawaii and Mexico in winter. He talks about others in health with disgust and complains about how they treat their bodies but still drinks several beers a day and finishes off one pack of cigarettes by evening. I'm quite realistic so it's hard for me to listen to this. I want to scream, "Look at what you've done to YOURSELF!" "How can you even think of buying something at your age in your condition?!" But I don't, I keep my mouth shut. I say nothing to prevent arguements - for his sake, it's the last thing he needs and, selfishly, I just don't want to deal with his vile temper. I know he can't have long, a year, perhaps 2 at most. I wonder how much his body can take. I patronize him I suppose but it's easier on him and on me. I went through this with an uncle years ago. He was terminal and we all knew it but we let him live in denial. He had hope for every day. He was interested in things and happy every minute. I can only hope the same for my brother for every day he's got left.
Waiting for a crisis - one thing we'll all do sometime
Speaking with a friend last night I realized that there is one basic thing that nearly all of us share when it comes to dealing with elderly family - that is the waiting for some crisis event which forces a change for our loved one. We wait for the fall that puts mom or dad in the hospital and then the nursing home. It's the stroke or heart attack that signals the start of their decline. Or, it's the car accident that means the loss of a drivers license and cancellation of insurance.
Elder care professionals call these "sentinal events" - some event that is often a tragedy and that means a big change in the living conditions of our loved one. Most often the outcome of these events means drastic change or a tragic outcome Think of the stories we read of elderly people found wedged for days between their toilet and the wall or someone who's fallen and never got up. After waiting for so long we can only react to the circumstance; there are only a few options left by the time an event occurs.
Why do we end up waiting? It's because we have no other option. The parent/elder is not sick enough to be hospitalized or might have a chronic condition. She or he might be right-minded enough to say "leave me alone" or there just are no funds to help provide any assistance to prevent the incident. We WANT to respect our elders so we respect their need for independence. We don't want to hurt their feelings or pride or our relationships so we let things be. We know something will happen, it's usually only a matter of time. We wait and wait then deal with the outcome.
The waiting is hard. We see the decline, the weakness, the potential; we know something is coming but we don't know what or when. We grow anxious, we get stressed, angry or frustrated but there's nothing we can do. In some ways the waiting is easier because if we let things go long enough the options for our elder are limited. Their condition may be such that a nursing home or hospice is the only option. I have to ask myself if this is so bad. We might do things that prolong the life of our elders but what about the quality of that life? For me, I'm glad my Mom was in her home for years and admitted to a nursing home late in life. She was surrounded by her family, her favorite sentimental things, her own roses and friendly neighbors. The house didn't get as clean as I'd like, the lawn was under-watered and the flowers often gangly but she didn't care. She was simply happy to be there. So I had to be satisfied that she was content and worry less about the time she had left. We chose to put her immediate happiness first. It was hard and I often worried but looking back, I'd do it again the very same way.
What is a sentinal event , when should I move mom dad , mom doesn't want to ove what do i do , dad doesn't want to move what do i do ,dad won't stop driving what do i do
Elder care professionals call these "sentinal events" - some event that is often a tragedy and that means a big change in the living conditions of our loved one. Most often the outcome of these events means drastic change or a tragic outcome Think of the stories we read of elderly people found wedged for days between their toilet and the wall or someone who's fallen and never got up. After waiting for so long we can only react to the circumstance; there are only a few options left by the time an event occurs.
Why do we end up waiting? It's because we have no other option. The parent/elder is not sick enough to be hospitalized or might have a chronic condition. She or he might be right-minded enough to say "leave me alone" or there just are no funds to help provide any assistance to prevent the incident. We WANT to respect our elders so we respect their need for independence. We don't want to hurt their feelings or pride or our relationships so we let things be. We know something will happen, it's usually only a matter of time. We wait and wait then deal with the outcome.
The waiting is hard. We see the decline, the weakness, the potential; we know something is coming but we don't know what or when. We grow anxious, we get stressed, angry or frustrated but there's nothing we can do. In some ways the waiting is easier because if we let things go long enough the options for our elder are limited. Their condition may be such that a nursing home or hospice is the only option. I have to ask myself if this is so bad. We might do things that prolong the life of our elders but what about the quality of that life? For me, I'm glad my Mom was in her home for years and admitted to a nursing home late in life. She was surrounded by her family, her favorite sentimental things, her own roses and friendly neighbors. The house didn't get as clean as I'd like, the lawn was under-watered and the flowers often gangly but she didn't care. She was simply happy to be there. So I had to be satisfied that she was content and worry less about the time she had left. We chose to put her immediate happiness first. It was hard and I often worried but looking back, I'd do it again the very same way.
What is a sentinal event , when should I move mom dad , mom doesn't want to ove what do i do , dad doesn't want to move what do i do ,dad won't stop driving what do i do
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