Doctor unhappy with ALF and I agree

My niece and sister-in-law visited the Doctor's office with my mother last week. His news was a shock: he feels that mom is not getting the individual assistance she needs at her ALF and he wants us to move her someplace smaller. I think I agree but hate the idea of going through it all again. I am concerned about Mom's state since she is getting regular healthy meals and her meds on time each day - which didn't happen at home. Why - after 3 months - has her condition deteriorated so much? She's lost more strength in the past 3 months than she had the prior year!

Before I go into much detail I must say that her doctor is great. He's been her physicial for 30+ years and is very thorough. I trust him and his judgement; he's kept Mom well and knows what he is doing. He has numerous small examples that amount to a very large issue for me - the ALF is not communicating, not with him and not with the family. Apparently he's made numerous times at various times trying to reach a nurse. He's been told that no nurse is available to discuss Mom's meds or condition. He's faxed her meds to them and received no confirmation. He's left messages but has not heard back from them after trying to reach them for three weeks.

I am also concerned and plan to raise hell. I've had a hard time getting mom on the phone - I call, she doesn't answer. I believe she can't hear it ringing. I hoped that she was out doing something but, it's not that good I fear. I came to town last night after being away for 6 weeks and found Mom asleep in her chair. During my visit, I learned from an aid that Mom had 6 falls in the week before my visit. SIX!!! I got a voice mail about one fall two days ago but not the other 5!

When I arrived I found Mom asleep in her chair at 130pm in the afternoon. We woke her up and she seemed groggy and very weak- much weaker than she was when I left 6 weeks ago. There is only one thing that it drastically different than her conditions at home - she is getting her medications on a regular basis. I fear that one of them is causing problems - plaquenil. Before moving into the ALF, Mom had used only one full, 30-day, plaquenil prescription during the prior 12 months. I was concerned that her arthritis was getting worse because she failed to take the plaquenil now I am worried that it's causing her decline! Possible side effects are:

• hearing loss - Mom's has worsened in the past 3 months
  
• muscle weakness - she is definitely weaker in spite of physical therapy
  
• ringing in the ears - Mom's complained of this for 3 months

I hope that it's as simple as this because I want what ever time Mom has left to be good and her state is not good right now. She's totally dependent on others and I know she'd hate that. It makes me feel all the more guilty for moving her.

Let friends be supportive - even a bit helps YOU

I created a Facebook profile about the same time that I started this blog and I've found it to be a great spot for some support! Yes, people send supportive notes but it gives me the chance to be supportive to friends and family. Family is THE most important thing to me and mine is spread far and wide - the all around NW USA, California, Wisconsin, Michigan - with Facebook I can check in with them, send quick notes and share in their lives more regularily than just a quick visit every few years.

My facebook friends & family share jokes, updates about health issues, spouses, kids and our parents - good news and bad. I'm impressed with the way that people share in funny things but even more impressed with the responses when there's sad or bad news! I'd say that positive and supportive responses to bad news is twice that of good news. For example, the classmate who gave me very good advice about assisted living facilities posted a comment that her dad fell at a local grocery store and that he ended up in the ER. Within minutes, 7 of us were able to see it and offer kind words. I checked back this morning and even more people made comments and she posted an update on her dads status - he's fine and getting around well but still black and blue.

Perhaps it's selfish of me but I was thankful to have the chance to tell her that I hope he's okay and that I understand how worried she must have been. From a communication stand point, my friend was also able to notify family far and wide using Facebook. Originally, I signed up to get in touch with high school classmates out of curiosity and to get information about our reunion. I never dreamed it would be a place where I could feel the support of friends and give love and support to them as well. If you're able, I recommend it!

Online paper gives us something to talk about

I just got an online subscription to the newspaper in my home town and it's done wonders for Mom and I. Before I call her I read the local headlines so when we're on the phone we have all kinds of things to discuss. We read the same articles so I can easily understand if she tries to tell me about a particular topic. Before she'd try to tell me about what she read but might forget a few details then realize it was not a complete story then she got flustered. This way I can ask her questions about the issues or people involved and it's a much better conversation.

On a more fun note: I won an honorable mention with the picture that you see to the right of this blog. It's Mom in the Summer of 2008. I submitted it to the local newspaper photo contest and won a small acknowledgement of $25 in gas. It's not a huge sum but it's something. The fun part is that the paper published it on Sunday, July 17, so Mom saw it and realized that I won with her photo. When I called her she was happy about it but said - with a chuckle - that the least I could do was use the gas to take her for a ride! I will gladly do that.

Sneaky siblings are really hurtful

My sister-in-law (SIL) lives in a distant city and when her mother was alive, she called regularly. With the same regularity, my Mom-in-Law (MIL) asked me to drop things at the Post office for her. Often, these packages were addressed to the distant sister-in-law. At the time I had been married into this family only a year so I didn't feel right asking questions. I thought it best to just do the favor for MIL since she couldn't get out herself.

Now I wish I'd said something - a question, a hint, a suggestion - something, to let my husband, other SIL and brother-in-law (BIL) know what I suspected - that distant SIL was asking for the few dear, dear things that belonged to their grandmother and MIL was sending them. Since the death of my MIL, the kids -without the distant sister - talk about things and ask "I wonder what happened to that?".... I see these things at SIL's home so I knew exactly where they are but I maintain my silence. Things with the distant SIL are strained enough speaking up might exasterbate things.

Maintaining my silence is tough, really tough. I hear the emotional connection that my other SIL and BILs have for these things. I know that they would enjoy having something to remind them of their grandmother. Who's at fault here? Distant SIL asked for the items and MIL complied; she could have said "no". I can't help but feel that distant SIL should have been content with an item or two and then left something for someone else. She had not visited for years; she never drove MIL or her husband to the doctor; she didn't cleaned MIL's house, mowed her yard or help financially. Did she "deserve" all of those dear items? If we keep score on "helpfulness", then no. If we rank it on emotional attachment, she'd rate high BUT..... I wish she'd put some value on the feelings of her siblings and her emotional attachment to THEM and share the mementos and thus memories. In the end, it's the people who are left with us who should mean the most.