A healthy old age - use denial and adjustments..

I find that there are two critical things old people need to deal with advanced age - denial and adjustments. I had this epiphany the other day as I tried to plant a couple of lilac bushes in our yard.

I grabbed one pot in each hand, took two steps, felt a pain in my left thumb and dropped one of the pots. It was like being stabbed in the left thumb; the outer most knuckle to be exact. I was shocked. I'd done this very thing many times before but now I could not. I'd had some stiffness in that thumb but have been working on a lot of jewelry so thought it was an under used muscle. Not so; today it is a swollen red hot knot. I managed to get the pots across the yard by carrying one close to my body and wrapping my left arm around it. I carried the other normally but the whole chore was changed due to one knuckle. As I dug the hole, filled in the dirt and watered the plant, I favored that stupid thumb. For each task I made minor adjustments so I could just get those plants in the ground.

I have to admit that I knew the knuckle was getting worse but I ignored it. To admit it hurt and was stiff would be admitting that my age is showing, that I'm slowing down. I'm only 47! How could I be slowing down? I'm not OLD!!!? I am, however, in denial and it's not such a bad place to be! Denial enables me to keep trying to do anything I want. Denial removes the fear that I might not be able to do something. I can also deny that it will take longer, that I might suffer stiffness or that I might need help.

My mother did so many things throughout her life - gardening, fishing, canning, typing, laundry, chopping, dicing, slicing - all a lot of fussy little tasks to grow our food, fix our meals, support our work and school lives. We never noticed the minor adjustments she made so she could do it easily and quickly. She just made minor adjustments so that she could continue to do it all as she grew older, slower and weaker. She never discussed it she just kept going like nothing was wrong. She was also in denial over these necessary changes.

Before moving, Mom was proud that she did all of her own laundry. Never mind that it took all day, that she used a special "grabber" to reach into the washer and dryer or that she had to store the soap in a waste basket on the floor. She was happy to sit directly in front of the dryer, pulling out each individual piece then folding each ever so slowly on the kitchen table. She never complained, she just kept at it until the laundry was done.

After my own experience, I found that denial is required to keep going as our bodies stop working as quickly and nimbly as we once were. Dwelling on it would only mean frustration and depression. Mom just kept doing things because she had to. So, I'll follow her example. I will deny that I have difficulties, I'll make adjustments so I can keep getting stuff done.

Mom's birthday - another guilty day for me...

I spent all of September 23 feeling terribly guilty. It was Mom's 89th birthday and I could not be with her. I sent flowers, I sent a gift and my brothers and their families were with her but I still felt bad. I called Mom after her breakfast and she was really upset. She wanted to have breakfast and sit over coffee talking with FAMILY. She misses all of us; she misses my Dad; she misses her mother, her aunts and siblings. Unfortunately, those of us that are left just can't be with her everyday. We talked for more than an hour - well, she talked, I listened and tried to reply but she can't hear well on the phone. It just made her feel good to know that a family member was on the other end.

I have day dreams of having a home in her town where I could bring her for the day or an over night stay but that won't happen. I don't have the money for a second home or the luxury of living where ever I wish. I would do it if I could because I know how much it means to her. All I can do is call often and tell her when I'll visit next and then visit her every day when I am near by. I know there are many others out there in the same situation so I know that I'm in good company- good guilt ridden, well meaning company.

Get empathic FAST or you'll pay later....

Emapathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another (Source: dictionary.reference.com)

The key words in the definition above are vicarious experiencing of feelings...of another. If you've not been able to do this before, you'd better learn it while you're helping your parent or other elders. If you don't, I truly believe that you'll get some come-upance when YOU'RE old.

Learning to be empathic is key to remaining patient with Mom and diligent about her care. Mom is sharp of mind but weak in body. Arthritis and osteoporosis has distorted her back, neck and knees. Though she is not in much pain she is weak and her joints just don't work. She can't grasp utensils or glasses very well; door knobs are difficult to turn. She can only walk 10 steps or so then must sit because her knees won't support her 100 pound frame. She can't stand at the bathroom counter to brush her teeth. She can't make a pot of coffee without assistance. All of these limitations mean that she is a like a prisoner in her own body with an active mind and memories of an active life. Like many elders, the thing she fears most is a fall and broken leg, ribs or hip. Often that is the end of our elders; they just don't survive the surgery required to repair the injury and ease their pain.

Remembering this and understanding her frustration, her fear of falling and her isolation makes it much easier to be patient and loving toward her. I might not be patient with others, I may grumble, cuss, chew someone out - but I don't do it to her. I do say things like "this frustrates me too", " I am sorry you can't move around more easily" and "yes, it's a pain in the neck but I'm happy to do it for you" - it seems to make her feel better; to reassure her that I WANT to help her. Often I list those things that she might be feeling - fear, frustration, loneliness, anger - and then I WANT to help her. The old saying "put yourself in someone else's shoes" truly does wonders.

Feel the frustration then let it go

I find myself cussing a lot these days - I cuss silently, I cuss out loud, I send curses to others. "Stupid bastards" has become my favorite thing to say. Mom frustrates me, others frustrate me. Dealing with elderly parents and anyone associated with your parent or their needs IS very frustrating. Mom can't hear me on the phone and I'm tired of yelling into a piece of plastic. Calls don't get returned; people transpose numbers on her insurance claims...etc., etc.... there are thousands of examples but what it boils down to is that others just don't have the same sense of urgency that I feel. They have other customers, patients, kids, jobs and all that to deal with so it means that they get to me - or my Mom - when it's possible and that's not always on my timeline. In my last post, I spoke about control and since this is not something I can control, I've had to learn a new strategy: I feel the frustration. I cuss. I complain out loud ( often only to myself ). I let myself feel the anger, the disappointment and I say "Damn, this is maddening, frustrating - I'm ticked OFF!" Then I'm able to let it go. This was hard at first and it takes practice; after 6 months I'm able to do it.

I can't pretend this stuff doesn't bother me. I can't pretend that everything is A-okay and smile sweetly. It's not okay; often I'm not okay and that's, well - OKAY. It's much easier for me to deal with all of this if I say that I'm frustrated or angry and let it be - let ME be - for a while. It's easier to cool off and then go back at it and do what I need to do.