Keeping warm with a dowagers hump

Like many elderly people, my mom is always cold. She always had cold hands and feet and wore extra socks and gloves to keep warm. Now, at 89, she has a new problem - a dowagers hump. She is quite bent over which makes finding clothes difficult. Lately, I've bought a couple of hooded fleece jackets that seem to help. Her stooped posture and the added "hump" mean that many of her shirts and blouses pull down on the neckline. This leaves a lot of room exposed and she feels cold on the back of her neck. The hoods give some extra fabric that she can pull forward to keep her neck warm. It's not the best solution but it's one of a few tricks we use to keep her comfortable.

Don't expect to get your gifts back...

A friend recently had a several falling out with her sister over a gift one had given their mother. The mother had this vase for years then when downsizing gave it to the other sister. The "giver" was upset because she always expected to get the vase back. I've discussed this situation with other friends and it seems to be an issue over and over, one family to the next. A child give something to a parent expecting to get it back 'someday' 'when Mom loves' or dies. Within my own family, my brother claims many of the things in my mothers home, and says "because I paid for it" - which may or may not be true. The rest of us have households with enough stuff, so if he wants it, he can have it. It's not worth arguing over.

My friend's situation above, however, resulted in hurt feelings, not necessarily anger. The giver was upset that her mother gave away "her" vase and upset with her sister for taking it when she knew the giver wanted it back. The giver felt betrayed by both her mother and her sister. What to do in cases like this is difficult. One must understand WHY mom gave the vase to the other sister. Did the sister ask for the vase? Did mom forget that the giver wanted it back? Did the giver clearly tell Mom that she wanted the vase back some day? In this case, I know the Mom and I'm sure she just forgot about the arrangement to return the vase but I could see where Mom could resent such an expectation. In the end, the sisters talked without involving Mom and sister two gave the vase to the giver. I could imagine, though, that this type of thing could escalate into one of those situations that triggers an argument, grudges and the breakdown of a relationship.

If it were me, I'd tell my daughter that if she wanted the vase, she should buy one for herself and I'd wonder why she gave it to me in the first place. It is obsurd to present a gift to someone and then expect it back. It's a GIFT not a LOAN. There are all kinds of complicated scenarios that could arise and each is just one more chance for hurt feelings, disappointment and confusion. It's best to just avoid that completely.

When we give a gift, we must live with the outcome of that action. Once the gift is presented, it becomes the property of the recipient and is theirs to do with as they please. I would hope that people could be genuinely open and act from a loving place. If you like and appreciate a gift, say so and use it with pleasure. If you are presented with a gift but it's the wrong size/color/texture/smell/style/etc. then gently speak up and let the giver exchange or return it. When it comes to your parents, don't complicate their lives, especially if they are elderly. Give them things that they will use and enjoy. Don't give them something because you want it for yourself at some point you just risk hurt and disappointment if it's broken or damaged, or also desired by a sibling.

A healthy old age - use denial and adjustments..

I find that there are two critical things old people need to deal with advanced age - denial and adjustments. I had this epiphany the other day as I tried to plant a couple of lilac bushes in our yard.

I grabbed one pot in each hand, took two steps, felt a pain in my left thumb and dropped one of the pots. It was like being stabbed in the left thumb; the outer most knuckle to be exact. I was shocked. I'd done this very thing many times before but now I could not. I'd had some stiffness in that thumb but have been working on a lot of jewelry so thought it was an under used muscle. Not so; today it is a swollen red hot knot. I managed to get the pots across the yard by carrying one close to my body and wrapping my left arm around it. I carried the other normally but the whole chore was changed due to one knuckle. As I dug the hole, filled in the dirt and watered the plant, I favored that stupid thumb. For each task I made minor adjustments so I could just get those plants in the ground.

I have to admit that I knew the knuckle was getting worse but I ignored it. To admit it hurt and was stiff would be admitting that my age is showing, that I'm slowing down. I'm only 47! How could I be slowing down? I'm not OLD!!!? I am, however, in denial and it's not such a bad place to be! Denial enables me to keep trying to do anything I want. Denial removes the fear that I might not be able to do something. I can also deny that it will take longer, that I might suffer stiffness or that I might need help.

My mother did so many things throughout her life - gardening, fishing, canning, typing, laundry, chopping, dicing, slicing - all a lot of fussy little tasks to grow our food, fix our meals, support our work and school lives. We never noticed the minor adjustments she made so she could do it easily and quickly. She just made minor adjustments so that she could continue to do it all as she grew older, slower and weaker. She never discussed it she just kept going like nothing was wrong. She was also in denial over these necessary changes.

Before moving, Mom was proud that she did all of her own laundry. Never mind that it took all day, that she used a special "grabber" to reach into the washer and dryer or that she had to store the soap in a waste basket on the floor. She was happy to sit directly in front of the dryer, pulling out each individual piece then folding each ever so slowly on the kitchen table. She never complained, she just kept at it until the laundry was done.

After my own experience, I found that denial is required to keep going as our bodies stop working as quickly and nimbly as we once were. Dwelling on it would only mean frustration and depression. Mom just kept doing things because she had to. So, I'll follow her example. I will deny that I have difficulties, I'll make adjustments so I can keep getting stuff done.

Mom's birthday - another guilty day for me...

I spent all of September 23 feeling terribly guilty. It was Mom's 89th birthday and I could not be with her. I sent flowers, I sent a gift and my brothers and their families were with her but I still felt bad. I called Mom after her breakfast and she was really upset. She wanted to have breakfast and sit over coffee talking with FAMILY. She misses all of us; she misses my Dad; she misses her mother, her aunts and siblings. Unfortunately, those of us that are left just can't be with her everyday. We talked for more than an hour - well, she talked, I listened and tried to reply but she can't hear well on the phone. It just made her feel good to know that a family member was on the other end.

I have day dreams of having a home in her town where I could bring her for the day or an over night stay but that won't happen. I don't have the money for a second home or the luxury of living where ever I wish. I would do it if I could because I know how much it means to her. All I can do is call often and tell her when I'll visit next and then visit her every day when I am near by. I know there are many others out there in the same situation so I know that I'm in good company- good guilt ridden, well meaning company.