I feel awful. I have not talked with my Mom since December 26 - that's nearly a full month - and I feel terribly guilty because I've not tried harder to reach her. I have called but when I don't get her on the phone, it's almost a relief - then I feel guilt over the sense of relief.
My mom's not terrible to talk with but talking with her for more then a few minutes is a lot of work. She can't hear the phone ring so to reach her I must call the nurses station and ask that they transfer the call then send someone down to answer the phone for her. Once I get her on the phone, she's excited and wants to tell me all kinds of things - usually it's the same 3-4 things that she says again and again. She tries to ask about me but she can't hear my replies so then she begins telling me how much she dislikes "this place" and she asks to return to assisted living. She's also started saying, "I wish I could be home but...." and she trails off. At least she realizes that she's in no shape to live in her little house. After about 10 minutes on the phone her voice sounds a little farther away - it's my cue that she's let the phone slip down to her cheek or neck and doesn't realize it. She just keeps talking and I try to yell - literally SCREAM - to put the phone to her ear, that I must go, that she can't hear me... anything to try to get her attention so I can say good bye.
She has a pattern - I have to tell her in 3's that I need to get off the phone. Usually she's willing to let go in the first 3 attempts but lately, it's harder to get off the phone politely. I have to say, I've got to go now, over an dover.. She hears me each time but asks just one more question.. so I hang in there and keep talking. I don't want to be rude and I don't want her to think that I've hung up on her.
I have all kinds of "reasons" why I can't call - I can't call from work, the boss will get mad and I can't yell at her from my cubicle. I can't call too late or too early from home because my yelling will disturb the neighbors. I can't call in the morning because the staff is too busy getting everyone up and to breakfast then back again. so, I don't call and the guilt remains. I know it would do her a lot of good to hear from me. It's one of the few things that she'd enjoy but, dammit, I hate yelling into the phone. I hate hearing the same complaints all the time. I hate that she asks for things that I can't do or can't provide.
These are all symptoms of a greater issue - I hate that my mom has to live in a nursing home. I hate that they don't give a damn about her quality of life. I hate that the staff is too small. I hate that I can't move to her home town and live with her and tend to her. The guilt over the phone calls is a component of a larger, more hurtful matter - I want to help her, I want to make her happy, I want to spend loving time with her but I can't afford it. All I can do is spend a weekend here and there and try from afar to what I can. It's not enough to make her happy or me guilt free but it will have to do.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
CAUTION: Sores that won't heal may be skin cancer!!!
I've had several family members with skin cancer and can share several stories to drive home the need for regular skin cancer screening but a recent event does a much better job. I hope that the following story will prod anyone to get a check up ASAP for themselves or their loved ones. The short story: a friend's mom had a Moh's procedure to remove all the skin on the side of her nose. For 2 years, she asked her doctor about a sore spot and he told her it was due to sensitive skin. He was clueless and it cost her a lot in medical procedures, pain and suffering - especially the pain and suffering.
The long version: A friend called in a panic just before Christmas - her Mom had skin cancer on the side of her nose and they had to operate immediately. She was especially upset because she'd asked her mother's doctor about the sore for more than 2 years. She finally moved her mom to another state and took her for a check up. Before her Mother sat down in the doctors office, he asked about the sore on her nose and sent her down the hall to a dermotologist. She was in surgery within a couple of days. It was a severe basil cell melanoma and had nearly spread to the skin around her eye.
The surgery and subsequent reconstruction were gruesome and hard on her 84 year old body. After all the the skin was removed from the side of her nose, ( Did you HEAR ME???!!!ALL THE SKIN!! from the side of her nose *OH MY GAWD!!)) she had to have a flap of skin grafted from her forehead to her nose. The bad part is that the flap had to remain partially attached to the forehead AND stitched to the nose. It remained this way - an open bloody wound - for 3 weeks. The flap permits blood to flow to the tissue to keep it alive while the graft grows into the skin surrounding the surgical wound. Eventually the grafted skin will get enough blood supply from the skin around the nose so the flap can be removed.
This was hard on her Mom, it was hard to make her understand why it was necessary and what happened to her. She's a sweet kind woman and has become quite forgetful so it was hard for her to process it all. The really sad part is that it could have been avoided, literally, years before if her doctor had taken it seriously. All the doctor had to do was refer her to a dermotologist. Why he didn't is a mystery but he deserves to be charged with malpractice. My friend is in the process of filing complaints in 2 states where he sees patients - Washington and Idaho.
This sort of skin cancer is NOT reserved for the elderly and years of sun exposure. My own nephew, age 27, had the same surgery two years ago. He had a recurring pimple on the side of his nose and he let it go a long time before seeing a dermotologist. Because it was "just a pimple", he thought he'd get a prescription for a topical antibiotic or a chemical peel, he had no idea it was skin cancer. The sore would erupt like a pimple then get red, bleed a bit and heal up. This sort of cancer was new to all of us in the family. We knew to look for dark spots that were not symmetrical. We new to suspect anything that grew in size or had various colors - we didn't know to look for a wound like a cold sore. Since his original Moh's procedure - removal of a whole nostril, a skin flap and reconstructive adjustments to the skin - he's had two smaller spots removed. These were caught in time but he'll have to be vigilant - and watch the skin all over his body - for the rest of his life.
So - the bottom line is simple - CATCH IT WHEN IT'S SMALL - the treatment is simple and relatively painless. Wait, and you'll have to suffer a gruesome surgery and reconstruction - or it might cost your life.
Here's a link that should scare you into a visit to the doctor early on: CAUTION: This site contains VERY GRAPHIC IMAGES that may disturb you. It shows patients after surgery for skin cancer and before reconstructive surgery. Some of these are really, really, gruesome and nearly made me sick but if it gets you to the doctor - then I did my job:
http://www.newyorkfacialplasticsurgery.com/FacialReconstructiveSurgery.htm
I have a cold sore that won't heal, what is it? Grandma has a sore that won't heal. Grandpa has a sore that won't heal. Do I have cancer sore soar that won't heal.
The long version: A friend called in a panic just before Christmas - her Mom had skin cancer on the side of her nose and they had to operate immediately. She was especially upset because she'd asked her mother's doctor about the sore for more than 2 years. She finally moved her mom to another state and took her for a check up. Before her Mother sat down in the doctors office, he asked about the sore on her nose and sent her down the hall to a dermotologist. She was in surgery within a couple of days. It was a severe basil cell melanoma and had nearly spread to the skin around her eye.
The surgery and subsequent reconstruction were gruesome and hard on her 84 year old body. After all the the skin was removed from the side of her nose, ( Did you HEAR ME???!!!ALL THE SKIN!! from the side of her nose *OH MY GAWD!!)) she had to have a flap of skin grafted from her forehead to her nose. The bad part is that the flap had to remain partially attached to the forehead AND stitched to the nose. It remained this way - an open bloody wound - for 3 weeks. The flap permits blood to flow to the tissue to keep it alive while the graft grows into the skin surrounding the surgical wound. Eventually the grafted skin will get enough blood supply from the skin around the nose so the flap can be removed.
This was hard on her Mom, it was hard to make her understand why it was necessary and what happened to her. She's a sweet kind woman and has become quite forgetful so it was hard for her to process it all. The really sad part is that it could have been avoided, literally, years before if her doctor had taken it seriously. All the doctor had to do was refer her to a dermotologist. Why he didn't is a mystery but he deserves to be charged with malpractice. My friend is in the process of filing complaints in 2 states where he sees patients - Washington and Idaho.
This sort of skin cancer is NOT reserved for the elderly and years of sun exposure. My own nephew, age 27, had the same surgery two years ago. He had a recurring pimple on the side of his nose and he let it go a long time before seeing a dermotologist. Because it was "just a pimple", he thought he'd get a prescription for a topical antibiotic or a chemical peel, he had no idea it was skin cancer. The sore would erupt like a pimple then get red, bleed a bit and heal up. This sort of cancer was new to all of us in the family. We knew to look for dark spots that were not symmetrical. We new to suspect anything that grew in size or had various colors - we didn't know to look for a wound like a cold sore. Since his original Moh's procedure - removal of a whole nostril, a skin flap and reconstructive adjustments to the skin - he's had two smaller spots removed. These were caught in time but he'll have to be vigilant - and watch the skin all over his body - for the rest of his life.
So - the bottom line is simple - CATCH IT WHEN IT'S SMALL - the treatment is simple and relatively painless. Wait, and you'll have to suffer a gruesome surgery and reconstruction - or it might cost your life.
http://www.newyorkfacialplasticsurgery.com/FacialReconstructiveSurgery.htm
I have a cold sore that won't heal, what is it? Grandma has a sore that won't heal. Grandpa has a sore that won't heal. Do I have cancer sore soar that won't heal.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Finding Mom in the dark makes me SEE RED!!!!
My good mood over having Mom home on Christmas Eve disappeared quickly when I went to see her Christmas Day. I found her sitting in her room in the DARK! She was trapped, sitting in her wheel chair with nothing to do and no way to get out of the room. Her call button was no where to be found - I found it wedged under her pillow and completely out of her reach. Her roommate was asleep and her wheelchair was between Mom and the door, Mom's TV (which is on a swinging arm) was above her head, off and out of her reach. The lights were off - switches also out of her reach - and there was a table wedged between her and her dresser which holds her reading materials and pens. She was just sitting there in the dark like some blanket they laid down on a table top.
I was so mad - and so hurt for her. There is no excuse for this - I told the aides who were circled around the nurses station how I found her and they said "she can call for help". They didn't want to believe where I found the call button and that it was out of her reach. They are so freaking clueless!!!! They all looked young and I'd never seen any of them before - a new crew, probably the newest hires since they were working Christmas Day. It should not matter. I expect an experienced nurse or aid on duty to prevent this kind of crap. They might have thought she was asleep but they should have put her in bed or her easy chair NOT left her sitting in the wheel chair.
So - before leaving town I wrote a letter to the administrator and left it in her office. She's had 2 days to read it and I've not heard a thing. (She dislikes me already because I - justifiably - complained about the size of Mom's wheelchair and a worn out pad that meant she slipped forward and fell out of it. ) Tomorrow I'll call the social services office and see what they have to say. If it happens again, I'm called a friend who works for the state department of medicaide and ask for an inspection. If they're slipping up on basic things, then larger more severe problems are probably hidding in there too!!
Oh how I wish I could win the lottery so I could hire some help and take her home!!! If I could, I'd buy a big house and invite a couple of her friends to live with her. They could all have such a good quality of life with the right care givers and the right layout in a home. They could sleep in or stay up late if they wished. They could be active - they could do things they enjoy and only do as much as they could with help and continue to feel like they have something to offer. UGH!! These nursing homes are just too large, they are run by huge for-profit companies that don't care about their residents. It's immoral. it's down right immoral!!
I was so mad - and so hurt for her. There is no excuse for this - I told the aides who were circled around the nurses station how I found her and they said "she can call for help". They didn't want to believe where I found the call button and that it was out of her reach. They are so freaking clueless!!!! They all looked young and I'd never seen any of them before - a new crew, probably the newest hires since they were working Christmas Day. It should not matter. I expect an experienced nurse or aid on duty to prevent this kind of crap. They might have thought she was asleep but they should have put her in bed or her easy chair NOT left her sitting in the wheel chair.
So - before leaving town I wrote a letter to the administrator and left it in her office. She's had 2 days to read it and I've not heard a thing. (She dislikes me already because I - justifiably - complained about the size of Mom's wheelchair and a worn out pad that meant she slipped forward and fell out of it. ) Tomorrow I'll call the social services office and see what they have to say. If it happens again, I'm called a friend who works for the state department of medicaide and ask for an inspection. If they're slipping up on basic things, then larger more severe problems are probably hidding in there too!!
Oh how I wish I could win the lottery so I could hire some help and take her home!!! If I could, I'd buy a big house and invite a couple of her friends to live with her. They could all have such a good quality of life with the right care givers and the right layout in a home. They could sleep in or stay up late if they wished. They could be active - they could do things they enjoy and only do as much as they could with help and continue to feel like they have something to offer. UGH!! These nursing homes are just too large, they are run by huge for-profit companies that don't care about their residents. It's immoral. it's down right immoral!!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
What do I get Grandma for Christmas?
Buying gifts for elderly people is tough - they have health conditions that limit what we can give them. They might want goodies but we should use caution given the rise in diabetes. This year I'm giving Mom a lighted magnifying glass, some thick fleece socks to keep her feet toasty and a new hooded sweatshirt. I'm also having her old watch reconditioned so she can wear it daily. No only is it useful, it's some thing very familiar that she had for years. I hope it will provide her with some comfort.
I've surveyed some friends to find what they're doing for their parents and grand parents. I hope you'll find some useful ideas here:
I've surveyed some friends to find what they're doing for their parents and grand parents. I hope you'll find some useful ideas here:
- sets of blank cards, "fat" pens and stamps so they can keep in touch with friends and family
- a new address book - then help them transfer the names and addresses
- photo albums with old and new photos - consider pictures of grand kids on the left page then a photo of the same grand child as an adult or with their family. This can help jog their memories too
- Calendars with family photos. You can easily up load photos to several services (Walmart, Kodak, Windows) layout the calendar and have it mailed to them. It takes all of 30-45 minutes!! Thank Gawd for technology!!
- Photos of them with friends and family - my Mom loves her photos with her and her great granddaughter
- Calendars with their favorite flowers
- If your elder is in a nursing home they;d probably appreciate anything that replicates the things they had at home - family photos, photos of pets or flowers.
- People in nursing homes also need practical things: lotion, socks, sweaters, undershirts, slippers, tissues to clean glasses, pens and paper, fanny packs or other bags that can easily strap on to walkers or wheel chairs
what can I get my grandma grandpa for Christmas? Grandma is in a nursing home what can i get for her. gifts for nursing home residents. gifts for the elderly .
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