Momma Mia made me cry over my own Mom.

This blog is supposed to be about my mom but often it ends up being about my feelings - I suppose that's natural since I'm writing from my personal point of view and there is so much anxiety and guilt associated with sick and aging parents that it would not be right to exclude that from my various topics.   I've not added any posts since Mom's latest health scare because I've had little to share that's positive.  I've not wanted to whine, moan or complain.  This morning though, I was overwhelmed by such a deep sense of sadness that I must write about it.

For several years now I've wished so badly that I had the money to buy a big house, hire a staff of 4 to help with Mom and then just live, doing all the things that I enjoy and finding some way to make her a part of it - making jam, gardening, sewing - just those day to day things.  My mom is still curious - she wants to watch CNN and PBS, the history channel or animal planet but the set up in her room at the nursing home doesn't permit it.  I want to have her at home where she can have HER favorite chair, HER large screen TV, HER 4 walls around her - but she needs so much assistance, I just can't do it all.   I know she's not as happy as she could be; she longs for company from her family but my brothers never see her.  The saving grace is a neighbor who's tried to see her at least once a week and a cousin who's gone by now and then over the summer.   

My sobbing melt down came as I was reading news and watching Momma Mia on TV.  Meryl Streep was singing about loosing her daughter to adulthood.  The lyrics have her remembering sitting at the kitchen table with her little girl, spending simple times just eating or doing the day to day things.   It just hit me so hard to think of my mom enjoying those times with me, then watching me get my first car and taking off, leaving her in the house alone.  I remember leaving for college; she and my dad weren't getting along and I was in such a hurry to escape it.  I didn't think about her and that she might feel abandoned with no ability to drive herself (she had a stroke during my delivery which left her partially blind and with epilepsy), no job, no money of her own - she must have felt awful but that didn't occur to me.  I was happy to get the hell out of there, to be free to have fun.  I left and didn't look back to see her sad face.   To be fair to myself - I did visit often and called her every Sunday but it's not the same.

Now she's in the same boat - she's stuck there and I end up driving away. At least I always come back!  She has people around her but it's a string of different people and she can't do the things she enjoys. All she wants is to sit in her comfy chair with a remote to a TV she can easily see.   That's not too much to ask and I can't make it happen.   She's never asked for much of anyone yet she's done a lot for others just by creating a home where we could all feel welcome and supported.     I hate that I can't do that for her. Even taking her to her little house isn't possible - it needs so much repair and would require total remodeling to accommodate her wheelchair.  

As for me, I also miss my mom but the "mom" I miss doesn't show herself often due to pain, hearing loss and naps.  She has a good sense of humor; she's smart and witty.  She's done so many things and remembers how to do most of it - she's a wealth of information!!  She's also wise - which I miss, she always has good advice for me, though now I don't ask much because I don't want her to worry.  There's just so much I want to know about her, about my dad, my grandparents- I want so much for her to look forward to a good meal, to taste freshly picked berries, ice cream when she wants it not when it's on the menu; to sleeping in and eating when she wants not on someone else's schedule... to sit hear her roses and enjoy their color and scent in the warm sunshine..  this is how growing old should be not in some institution where she's a "client" not a person.  

Ah well, my crying won't help her and now I've got a head ache... all I can do is try to get there to love her and make her feel as loved as possible.   If anyone out there reads this - do me a favor - go love on your family.  Young or old, listen to their stories and ask them about the most important things in their life.   Talk WITH them and Listen; share things WITH them and you'll feel better about everything!

Got an inheritance? Don't do THIS...

A friend revealed to me that her mother, age 62, is in dire financial shape two years after the death of her successful husband.   I'm shocked, I never thought it would happen.   The problem is that Mom didn't have a plan to manage her money and the kids didn't want to hurt her feelings and butt in when they realized she was depressed and spending too much.   The reality is hard to understand - Mom went through $600,000 in a little over two years.   More than a half a million dollars in 24 months.   It's a shame because, if managed well, Mom could have lived comfortably for the rest of her life.  Now Mom's renting an apartment and selling off her antiques.  Her large home is for sale.  She's living on a meager social security payment - her husband died before he began to collect social security so she's collecting earlier than she might if he'd lived.  It's nice that the funds are available but the payments would be more if she'd waited to collect later in life.

Here's WHAT to do if you get an inheritance:  I write this for people over 55-60 - those who are faced with living on a limited income.  The idea is to create stable living conditions, minimizing costs overall so that living on a limited income is manageable and doesn't cause hardship.

Seek advice from a banker or financial professional. There are plenty of funds where you can put money that will generate interest or receive dividends even if the annual payoff is low.  It might not be as much as riskier investments but it's steady and you won't risk the principle or bulk of your money.  Think if it as a source of long-term annual income:  Let it sit in a special fund and at the end of a year 1 , you could have 20-30-40,000 to spend during year 2 while your nest egg sits and grows money for year 3.  (I've discussed this scenario with representatives from Edward Jones Financial, but any reputable financial firm should be able to help.)
Seek to make the money LAST - don't go on spending sprees. Don't do a bunch of cosmetic work on your home to make it look prettier. 
Seek emotional counsel if you have the urge to buy and buy and buy - this is a sign of depression.  I believe we get a little spike in endorphines when we spend money - this feels good so we do it a lot when we're depressed.   This is RISKY - try to resist the urge to shop; if possible avoid the mall, don't watch shopping channels and don't splurge.
Consider setting up a trust or annuity for yourself - this will ensure that someone doles the money to you over time.
Invest in things that will make your life more stable:  Pay off credit cards then CUT THEM UP. Pay off your house and make repairs that will ensure it's in good shape for the long term. Note that I said REPAIRS not improvements  - only make improvements if it make it safer or will increase the selling price.
Buy or pay off a quality car that will last you a good long time - consider a brand that will require minimal repairs and will last miles and miles.  Be sure it's a size that you'll be SAFE driving - think automatic transmission, 4 door-sedan not oversized SUV with 4-on the floor!

What NOT to do:

Don't go on vacation after vacation without consulting a financial adviser. Understand if you can AFFORD a lot of travel.  Spend it on travel ONLY after you've made arrangements for the long term.
DO NOT LOAN money to kids, grand kids or friends. Often people have every intention of paying money back but when all you have is one big chuck of money, it's value is in the potential it has to earn more. Don't whittle it away a few thousand dollar loans at a time; before you know it, the funds are gone and collecting those loans is probably impossible.
Don't make a lot of cosmetic changes to your home - unless you'll sell soon and you are SURE it will pay off big!  Example:  if your living room is painted dark brown, it might be wise to paint the walls a neutral color before showing it for sale - the brown color will make the room look smaller and won't suit everyone's tastes.
 Don't buy a lot of flashy gifts.  you don't have to buy off family or friends, they should WANT your long term financial security not a bunch of "stuff". 

What should I do with dads life insurance? what should I do with my  inheritance?

Great site for special needs clothes!

Find clothes is so hard for mom now that she's weakened due to arthritis.   I just came across this site when I searched for clothes for a "dowagers hump"...  Though some of the things are spendy, I think there are some good options here - especially for easy-on slippers.   I will also look at the clothes in depth to see if I can modify any of mom's existing cloths for easier dressing (think off and on) or just to look better in general.

The name of the online store is Silverts, found here:  http://www.silverts.com/default.cfm?adv=AAA


Clothing for the elderly, clothing for dowagers hump, clothes for dowagers  hump, shoes for old feet, shoes for arthretic arthritic feet, shoes for hammer toes

Grandpa came through - sort of...

Update on my last post of March 30 - my friend grandfather WAS as sharp as we expected.   "G" went to his bank to advise them of this death and look for outstanding checks. She learned she was his one and only beneficiary on several accounts.  She has also been in touch with insurance carriers who advise her that she is the beneficiary of those accounts as well - it's enough to put her two youngest kids through college and start a nice retirement nest egg for herself.    

The two things Grandpa did not take care of - the title to his trailer home and brand new Lincoln  - will require that she go through probate in the state where he lived and died.   The attorney tells her that it will, by law, go to her father but she's okay with that.   She was so appreciative for the savings and insurance that she will not argue over these assets.   In the end, she almost feels sorry for her father because of what he missed not knowing his dad.  She's taking the high road and I'm proud of her.  I'm sure her Grandpa is too.