Well, it's done; mom is moved but it still doesn't feel real. I told her on Tuesday that movers would arrive at 1pm on the 15th to move some of her things to an assisted living center. We both cried but she realized that it was time. We just can't do enough for her at home and it's not safe for her. The movers took her things and we distracted her with a big family meal, plans about what to move first and which most sentimental things she would take.
On Thursday, we had an 11am check in time so I let her sleep in then we rushed to make the 11am appointment. It was manipulative of me but I didn't want to give her time to think about it or feel really sad the morning of her last day at home. Check in was like visiting a doctors office for the first time. We sat in a large open office, the "Wellness Room", and I spoke with the LPNs and aides who dispense pills. I explained her medical scenario, how her seizures may progress and what too look for. They listened politely but I really don't feel confident that they'll follow my advice. They might treat a lot of people but they've never treated MY MOM before; they have little experience with epileptics. I feel like a parent fighting for the proper care of a child - experiences that are parallel I suppose..... Since she moved in, I've had to give too many reminders about some important details. Her commode should be emptied each morning, she must take her dilantin with meals or she'll get heartburn; she will not ask forhelp to get to meals so please go get her.... These are all things that were promised in my initial discussions with the directors and managers. I'm hoping it was NOT just part sales pitch and that they really DO care that MY MOM is adjusting and getting the care she is DEARLY paying for.
The afternoon of night one, Mom began to have spasms in her back and hip. The arthritis seems to be pinching nerves in her back. Neither of us slept more than 4 hours. The aides were good about bringing her breakfast and lunch to her room. They even added extra servings to her tray for me. MOM was so uncomfortable all night and into the morning that I called her doctor to schedule an appointment for Monday. They also called in some prescriptions that helped her relax and given that, she got a good night of sleep in night two. She asked me to stay that night as well. I was kept awake again but by snoring rather than her discomfort. I didn't mind loosing the sleep since it meant she was comfortable.
One important lesson when moving a parent: Tell their physicians office and then call them a couple of more times to tell them again. Tell them at least one month prior to the move. I thought one call to MOM's doctor's office was enough. It was not. A nurse really chewed me out because they didn't realize MOM was moved and they were concerned how she would get new medications. We worked it out but they were not happy with me. Never assume the staff within a clinic or doctor's office communicate between each other. Tell them then call back and speak to someone else and tell them again.
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Hi Lynn,
ReplyDeleteSounds like you tried to do all the right things when you prepared to move your mom. I would just take a guess that part of your mom's pain in back and hips was probably stress which would be normal. It is a huge deal to move elderly from some place they are comfortable with to somewhere they know nothing about. And remember your mom has lived in the same house for many many years. That is hard also. Even if the move is needed. What I learned by visiting with the elderly women I spent time with is this. When they talk about being uncomfortable or scared or depressed don't try to fix it. Listen to them and acknowledge that it must be very hard. They need to talk about it with out somebody telling them why it is important. They know why, but they still feel like they are losing part of who they are. Grieving is a process in this and it is so important they are allowed to grieve.
The other thing I wanted to say was that there are sometimes support groups for people who are taking care of their elderly parents. These groups are for both those whose parents live in the adult children's homes or assisted living homes. Check with some agencies in the area to see if they have one. If not look into starting one. It gives people a place to come and talk about what is going on, the feelings around having to move parents, and everything else between diminishing mental capacity and/or physical difficulties. Your not alone and the care givers need support to deal with the guilt that sometime accompanies the process of doing what is right.
I will comment more later but hang in there and listen to her and acknowledge her feelings. She is scared and it is normal.