In mid-April I got mom settled into a studio apartment at an Assisted Living Facility (ALF). I saw her daily for 3 weeks and the time was filled with hanging pictures, labeling clothes, sheets and towels; doctor visits; nail clipping; permanents and visits from other family and friends. Then I left town and promised to return in 4 weeks. While I was away, I called Mom every other day, some days she was fine others she cried and wanted to go home.
As promised I returned to see her and saw her daily for a seven days. It was really rough at first; each visit left me frustrated and in tears because she insisted she can live at home just fine. After 3 days I was a wreck and realized that I was feeling physically ill from the stress. To cope I came up with some ideas that enabled me to visit Mom, spend quality time with her and enjoy her company. I still have to be firm about the reasons she's moved - it is safer, she will get her meds as needed and she will eat better. It's become my internal mantra around mom - safety, meds, food - safety, meds, food - safety, meds, food..... To keep my sanity and be good company for Mom, here's what I try to do:
- Keep visits short but go often; stay 30-45 minutes, but go visit twice a day if possible
- Get funny: find a funny story, joke or something like that to share during your visit
- Read the paper together, helps keep parent current and give you some common ground
- Go sit outside: often it's the only time they'll get outside is with assistance and some sunshine is good for creating vitamin D
- Share a crossword puzzle
- Watch a special program: our favorite are Red Skelton videos and Turner Classic Movies
- Do projects: re-organize photo albums; I bought a cheap scanner and left it at Mom's apartment. On our next visits we will scan photos; it will give use time to talk about the subjects and people in pictures, capture interesting family histories, names, dates and relationships.
- Go "out" into common rooms for a soda or coffee and speak with other residents, then introduce your parent
- Attend events at the ALF like bingo, concerts or other outings
- Play games; play scrabble, cards, use the facilities Wii for bowling or golf
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This blog was very helpful to me tonight as I am going through a very similar situation with my Mom...To visit or not to visit has been my question. She cries and clings to me and begs to go home. She says she is anxious and actually gags. Begs me to spend the night there, etc. I am at a loss especially since she will not do any games, puzzles, etc.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad it was helpful - that's EXACTLY why I'm doing this blog. My Mom is not to the point that she begs to go home with me but I expect that to happen at some point. Her mother, aunts and grand mother went through the same thing. I saw my Mom be strong about it; she came to expect it and I must do the same.
ReplyDeleteIf we know they will go through it, we must say the same things to them over and over - my house is not safe for you; they can give you the help we can't. We'll be at work all day and you can't be alone that long. We can't bathe you safely, you'll get regular meals here.... If you come to expect it, then it's easier to deal with. She'll probably begin to go through the same sequence each time you leave, if possible focus on the the sequence rather than her emotions. It won't help her but it is sort of self defense mechanism for YOU.
Some other things that I've begun to do with my Mom: deadhead the flowers in the planters and beds at the ALF - I asked first of course but they were fine with it. You'd be surprised what they'll encourage for individual residents.
Good luck and please post more comments if you find things that occupy your mom during your visits. Many others can benefit from your experience too.