Taking Mom for a ride and screaming inside

Getting Mom out has become a character building experience for me.   I try to take Mom for a ride at least once a week when I visit her home town.  I make a point to take her some place where she has good memories and ensure we have a good treat along the way.   The past few months she seems to have trouble remembering where we're going and continually asks where we are all along the way.  She marvels at things as though it's all new to her.  When I tell her where we are she replies, "Really??!!  I'd never have known; it's so different."  I'm left wondering, "Different from WHAT?"  

I suppose she is beginning to remember the familiar streets of town as it was decades ago - really, she's FORGETTING many things about her town and region.  She remembers buildings and landmarks that are long gone.  As we drive she gives me a running commentary about how staying in her "coop" makes her forget and how much things have changed.   It's a constant thing when we go out now and it's making me nuts!!   However, I NEVER let her know it's making me crazy.  Though I'm screaming inside, "YOU SAID THAT ALREADY!...and you said it last time and the time before that, can't you just accept it??!!!!"   I don't say a word to her about it.   I speak slowly and deliberately so that I don't have so much as a negative tone in my voice.   I calmly explain the changes she sees and I make excuses to make her feel better. 

She realizes that things have changed a lot and this makes her wonder about her own memory. She says, "Have I really forgotten that much?" I try to make her feel better with excuses about how quickly things change these days; how little she gets out and how much she has to remember after all of her 90 years.   I remind her that she remembers MORE than many, many people - often ME included.  Then I try to change the subject and ask her about something that I know will bring back good memories.  Most of the time, she tells me some story that I've heard by this time but now and then she reveals a gem - something that she and dad did together or some funny story about family or friends.   The new stories alone are worth sitting through a lot of rambling.     I'll continue to take her for drives and listen to the stories - old and new - because it's good for both of us.  I've not been the most patient person throughout my life so this is good practice I suppose but mainly it's good for my Mom. She needs the change of scenery and to relive the good memories we find along the route. 

Waiting for a crisis - one thing we'll all do sometime

Speaking with a friend last night I realized that there is one basic thing that nearly all of us share when it comes to dealing with elderly family  - that is the waiting for some crisis event which forces a change for our loved one.  We wait for the fall that puts mom or dad in the hospital and then the nursing home.  It's the stroke or heart attack that signals the start of their decline.   Or, it's the car accident that means the loss of a drivers license and cancellation of insurance.

Elder care professionals call these "sentinal events" - some event that is often a tragedy and that means a big change in the living conditions of our loved one.   Most often the outcome of these events means drastic change or a tragic outcome  Think of the stories we read of elderly people found wedged for days between their toilet and the wall or someone who's fallen and never got up.  After waiting for so long we can only react to the circumstance; there are only a few options left by the time an event occurs.

Why do we end up waiting?  It's because we have no other option.  The parent/elder is not sick enough to be hospitalized or might have a chronic condition.  She or he might be right-minded enough to say "leave me alone" or there just are no funds to help provide any assistance to prevent the incident.   We WANT to respect our elders so we respect their need for independence. We don't want to hurt their feelings or pride or our relationships so we let things be.  We know something will happen, it's usually only a matter of time.  We wait and wait then deal with the outcome.

The waiting is hard.  We see the decline, the weakness, the potential; we know something is coming but we don't know what or when.  We grow anxious, we get stressed, angry or frustrated but there's nothing we can do.    In some ways the waiting is easier because if we let things go long enough the options for our elder are limited.  Their condition may be such that a nursing home or hospice is the only option.  I have to ask myself if this is so bad.   We might do things that prolong the life of our elders but what about the quality of that life?  For me, I'm glad my Mom was in her home for years and admitted to a nursing home late in life.  She was surrounded by her family, her favorite sentimental things, her own roses and friendly neighbors.   The house didn't get as clean as I'd like, the lawn was under-watered and the flowers often gangly but she didn't care. She was simply happy to be there.   So I had to be satisfied that she was content and worry less about the time she had left.  We chose to put her immediate happiness first.  It was hard and I often worried but looking back, I'd do it again the very same way.
What is a sentinal event , when should I move mom dad , mom doesn't want to ove what do i do , dad doesn't want to move what do i do ,dad won't stop driving what do i do 

Memorial Day at Mom's house was nice, she didn't mind returning to care center

Mom's been asking to see her little house and yard but we've been afraid to take her home.  We didn't want any sad crying scenes or to send her into a seizure if she became too upset.   We've tried to avoid excuses and honestly, it's been too cold or too wet for to take her home until this weekend.   My cousin came over, we picked flowers from her garden and made bouquets for family graves then went to get Mom. She sat in the car while we left flowers on graves.  She got to see each bouquet and know that roses grown in HER yard honored all those we loved. It meant a lot to her. We joked briefly that we placed more bouquets on graves than we had people coming for lunch - a sad statement...

After the cemetary we went to her house where my brothers and other family were waiting.  We had a nice lunch and all sat together at the table with Mom at the honored "head" spot.   She was very happy and ate a good healthy plate of food.  She was especially happy to have coffee and pie after supper - she doesn't get much pie at the nursing home.  

When talking with her before going to her house I used my mantra:  "it's not safe, the wheelchair is too big, the bathroom too small, the doorways to narrow, you can't be alone anymore..."  She can't argue with these..   Mid way through the day she had to use the bathroom so I helped her. I had a plan to do it and walked through it a couple of times the day before. My plan meant moving her from the wheelchair to a seat on a walker then onto the toilet.  We did the same routine backwards to get from the bathroom back into the wheelchair.  I was concerned since each transfer means a risk of falling.  It was SO much work and I was so worried she'd fall or that I'd drop her.  She tried to pull herself up to stand at the sink but could not. She ended up falling back onto the toilet and sitting there for a few minutes.   After getting her re-routed from toilet to walker to wheelchair she said, I guess you prooved your point, I can't use the bathroom.  She was calm, not too upset but just matter of fact. I didn't say I told you so, I just said, .."yup.  I wish it was different but your safety is our priority."

When it was time to go, I told her we'd have to deliver some supper to a nephew, look at his new house and then take her "back". I feared she'd become upset but she didn't. She was just fine and willing to go. It was a huge relief for us all.   This evening, a day later, she asked again, "How long do I have to be here?  Do I have to spend the rest of my life here?"  I applied the safety mantra again then changed the subject.  I have a feeling that I'll be using it weekly from here on. 
Mom says she wants to go home all the time, she makes me crzy nuts.   I am so sick of hearing Mom demand to go home.

Decline, like growth, happens in spurts

I find myself talking with the PARENTS of my friends more and more these days; they are dealing with the same parental situations as me. I was born when my parents were in their early 40's, they soon had grand kids near my age. Most of my friends parents are active, healthy and have done a lot for themselves. They are often shocked at things their parents do or can no longer do for themselves. I am not. At an early age, I saw and helped my parents with my very elderly grand parents.

Over the past year one thing has come up again and again from family to family - grandma or grandpa changes a lot during the 3, 6 or 12 months since the last visit. It seems that, like little kids who have growth spurts, elders decline in spurts as well. Within 6 months my Mom went from preparing simple meals like soup and a sandwich to being unable to open a can of soup with a conventional can opener. (We got an electric can opener but after another 6 months she was too weak to lift a 14 ounce can.) Her grip went from knuckle crunching to slight, like that of a six year old. Two years prior this, stairs suddenly became a huge problem. She feared going down stairs and going up she would take one step at a time putting both feet on a stair before tackling the next one. Our solution was to put in a ramp to the yard; we moved all of her living to one level of the house the year before.

My Mom's decline demonstrates the need to OBSERVE and ACT. If you are trying to keep your Elder in their home, look for ways to help them do as much as possible given their limits. Prepare to make adjustments often and make sure they are safe. Here's a minor example but one thta means a lot to Mom: She likes a cold Pepsi every afternoon. When I saw her pry open the top of the aluminum soda can a butcher knife I found some plastic gizmo's that fit over the tab and enable the user to lift it to open the can.

Often as our Elders age eating becomes a problem and is something that family must watch closely. Elders will TELL you they are eating well but often they are not. They compromise and eat what is at waist level - donuts, sandwiches for example. They forget how long left overs sit in the fridge and eat spoiled food. Mom's inability to make a meal for herself was a primary factor in our decision to move her to Assisted Living. I dropped by at lunch time to visit and Mom said, "It would be nice to have some warm soup." Translated this means, she can't prepare it for herself and she'd like me to make some lunch for her. It was rare that I visited Mom on a weekday and I suspected she was growing weaker. I told her we'd make it together so handed her a can and the electric opener while I got a pan and some sandwich fixings. I watched her struggle to get the can in the opener for a few minutes. Soon I blamed the opener as to clunky to help her save face. I fixed lunch and we had a nice visit. I left convinced it was time to move her.