Over the past couple of weeks people have tried to be kind but it in the end, I come away completely annoyed and want to smack more than a few faces... I should be more grateful of their attempts to be supportive but people are just so, well, stupid. ..And, they don't listen. Friends, coworkers and even my own family, ask about Mom and what happened to her.. They nod, looking me in the face, as I speak, they seem to understand. Then they say something like, 'Well, can YOU move to take care of her? Why don't you move her here, closer to you..." .I want to scream, ' SHUT UP DUMB ASS!! Don't you think I've considered it? That I've investigated all the possibilities? Don't you think I would if I could get some financial help? Do you know how hard it is to find a doctor willing to accept a new patient who's this old and on Medicare?"
Then there are those who think they know about medical care - they recommend ibuprofen, Ben-gay icy packs or hot bathes. Hot bathes? Ibuprofen? Come on, it's all I can do to keep from doing a huge eye roll. Mom is so very far beyond some simple fix like Icy-hot. Her sacrum is broken! That's in her lower back! It's connected to everything! Any movement is excruciating!!
She's on narcotics for crying out loud! Ibuprofen won't help her now. Nothing that simple will ever help her again. They act so smug, like it should be so easy and clear cut. It's not easy and the solutions aren't simple. Old people have old bodies and old bodies require special care. No hot bathes, that means hot water and it could burn their thinning and sensitive skin. No heat packs, that might also burn.
This stupidity is due to ignorance; they are uninformed about old people. They don't know what they're talking about and they don't wait to listen for an answer or explanation. This means that they really don't care. They're just making small talk. Really, I wish they'd just talk to me about something else less emotional. On a much larger scale, I wish people knew more about the elderly. I wish people realized the limits old people face. I wish they understood the issues old people face. I didn't until I began helping elderly uncles and my parents . I had no idea the complexities of medical coverage, drug interactions or the basics of tending to an aging body. I wish there was some module in health class in high school that described what parents and grand parents might go through; drug interactions, narcotics and Medicare Part D. They might have an easier time helping their own parents and would be less self-righteous when others are trying to do the same.
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Monday, September 6, 2010
Family wedding gives me a guilt sandwich
We attended a beautiful family wedding over the weekend and it left me feeling awful. Mom would have loved to attend but it just was not possible - getting her around in the wheel chair would have been a terrible pain for us all. I feel guilt because I didn't do all i could to take her to most likely the last wedding she'll ever attend. I feel a sense of relief NOT to have taken her so I could relax and enjoy visiting, my own supper and dancing without worrying about her needs and comfort. Then, I feel guilty for feeling a sense of relief! Guilt - relief - guilt... my guilt sandwich...
We would have been able to get her around the venue but it would be difficult, cumbersome and meant lifting her wheelchair up and down stairs. There were also no grab bars in the restroom which mean I'd have to do all the lifting to get her off and on the commode - my back can't take that much any longer. We talked about it weeks in advance and she said she'd go ONLY if it was easy to wheel her to the bathroom. I toured the venue a week in advance and it was, clearly NOT set up for any sort of handicap. She let me off the hook and insisted on staying home.
Even though we had this discussion I feel terrible guilt and I know there is no way I'll feel better. I must accept that and let it go but that's really harder said than done. I speak with so many friends who go through the same thing so I feel better knowing I'm not alone. I have to be content that I take her out for rides, lunch and we'll soon have her 90th birthday party - it will have to be enough.
We would have been able to get her around the venue but it would be difficult, cumbersome and meant lifting her wheelchair up and down stairs. There were also no grab bars in the restroom which mean I'd have to do all the lifting to get her off and on the commode - my back can't take that much any longer. We talked about it weeks in advance and she said she'd go ONLY if it was easy to wheel her to the bathroom. I toured the venue a week in advance and it was, clearly NOT set up for any sort of handicap. She let me off the hook and insisted on staying home.
Even though we had this discussion I feel terrible guilt and I know there is no way I'll feel better. I must accept that and let it go but that's really harder said than done. I speak with so many friends who go through the same thing so I feel better knowing I'm not alone. I have to be content that I take her out for rides, lunch and we'll soon have her 90th birthday party - it will have to be enough.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Waiting for a crisis - one thing we'll all do sometime
Speaking with a friend last night I realized that there is one basic thing that nearly all of us share when it comes to dealing with elderly family - that is the waiting for some crisis event which forces a change for our loved one. We wait for the fall that puts mom or dad in the hospital and then the nursing home. It's the stroke or heart attack that signals the start of their decline. Or, it's the car accident that means the loss of a drivers license and cancellation of insurance.
Elder care professionals call these "sentinal events" - some event that is often a tragedy and that means a big change in the living conditions of our loved one. Most often the outcome of these events means drastic change or a tragic outcome Think of the stories we read of elderly people found wedged for days between their toilet and the wall or someone who's fallen and never got up. After waiting for so long we can only react to the circumstance; there are only a few options left by the time an event occurs.
Why do we end up waiting? It's because we have no other option. The parent/elder is not sick enough to be hospitalized or might have a chronic condition. She or he might be right-minded enough to say "leave me alone" or there just are no funds to help provide any assistance to prevent the incident. We WANT to respect our elders so we respect their need for independence. We don't want to hurt their feelings or pride or our relationships so we let things be. We know something will happen, it's usually only a matter of time. We wait and wait then deal with the outcome.
The waiting is hard. We see the decline, the weakness, the potential; we know something is coming but we don't know what or when. We grow anxious, we get stressed, angry or frustrated but there's nothing we can do. In some ways the waiting is easier because if we let things go long enough the options for our elder are limited. Their condition may be such that a nursing home or hospice is the only option. I have to ask myself if this is so bad. We might do things that prolong the life of our elders but what about the quality of that life? For me, I'm glad my Mom was in her home for years and admitted to a nursing home late in life. She was surrounded by her family, her favorite sentimental things, her own roses and friendly neighbors. The house didn't get as clean as I'd like, the lawn was under-watered and the flowers often gangly but she didn't care. She was simply happy to be there. So I had to be satisfied that she was content and worry less about the time she had left. We chose to put her immediate happiness first. It was hard and I often worried but looking back, I'd do it again the very same way.
What is a sentinal event , when should I move mom dad , mom doesn't want to ove what do i do , dad doesn't want to move what do i do ,dad won't stop driving what do i do
Elder care professionals call these "sentinal events" - some event that is often a tragedy and that means a big change in the living conditions of our loved one. Most often the outcome of these events means drastic change or a tragic outcome Think of the stories we read of elderly people found wedged for days between their toilet and the wall or someone who's fallen and never got up. After waiting for so long we can only react to the circumstance; there are only a few options left by the time an event occurs.
Why do we end up waiting? It's because we have no other option. The parent/elder is not sick enough to be hospitalized or might have a chronic condition. She or he might be right-minded enough to say "leave me alone" or there just are no funds to help provide any assistance to prevent the incident. We WANT to respect our elders so we respect their need for independence. We don't want to hurt their feelings or pride or our relationships so we let things be. We know something will happen, it's usually only a matter of time. We wait and wait then deal with the outcome.
The waiting is hard. We see the decline, the weakness, the potential; we know something is coming but we don't know what or when. We grow anxious, we get stressed, angry or frustrated but there's nothing we can do. In some ways the waiting is easier because if we let things go long enough the options for our elder are limited. Their condition may be such that a nursing home or hospice is the only option. I have to ask myself if this is so bad. We might do things that prolong the life of our elders but what about the quality of that life? For me, I'm glad my Mom was in her home for years and admitted to a nursing home late in life. She was surrounded by her family, her favorite sentimental things, her own roses and friendly neighbors. The house didn't get as clean as I'd like, the lawn was under-watered and the flowers often gangly but she didn't care. She was simply happy to be there. So I had to be satisfied that she was content and worry less about the time she had left. We chose to put her immediate happiness first. It was hard and I often worried but looking back, I'd do it again the very same way.
What is a sentinal event , when should I move mom dad , mom doesn't want to ove what do i do , dad doesn't want to move what do i do ,dad won't stop driving what do i do
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Mom's birthday - another guilty day for me...
I spent all of September 23 feeling terribly guilty. It was Mom's 89th birthday and I could not be with her. I sent flowers, I sent a gift and my brothers and their families were with her but I still felt bad. I called Mom after her breakfast and she was really upset. She wanted to have breakfast and sit over coffee talking with FAMILY. She misses all of us; she misses my Dad; she misses her mother, her aunts and siblings. Unfortunately, those of us that are left just can't be with her everyday. We talked for more than an hour - well, she talked, I listened and tried to reply but she can't hear well on the phone. It just made her feel good to know that a family member was on the other end.
I have day dreams of having a home in her town where I could bring her for the day or an over night stay but that won't happen. I don't have the money for a second home or the luxury of living where ever I wish. I would do it if I could because I know how much it means to her. All I can do is call often and tell her when I'll visit next and then visit her every day when I am near by. I know there are many others out there in the same situation so I know that I'm in good company- good guilt ridden, well meaning company.
I have day dreams of having a home in her town where I could bring her for the day or an over night stay but that won't happen. I don't have the money for a second home or the luxury of living where ever I wish. I would do it if I could because I know how much it means to her. All I can do is call often and tell her when I'll visit next and then visit her every day when I am near by. I know there are many others out there in the same situation so I know that I'm in good company- good guilt ridden, well meaning company.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Get empathic FAST or you'll pay later....
Emapathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another (Source: dictionary.reference.com)
The key words in the definition above are vicarious experiencing of feelings...of another. If you've not been able to do this before, you'd better learn it while you're helping your parent or other elders. If you don't, I truly believe that you'll get some come-upance when YOU'RE old.
Learning to be empathic is key to remaining patient with Mom and diligent about her care. Mom is sharp of mind but weak in body. Arthritis and osteoporosis has distorted her back, neck and knees. Though she is not in much pain she is weak and her joints just don't work. She can't grasp utensils or glasses very well; door knobs are difficult to turn. She can only walk 10 steps or so then must sit because her knees won't support her 100 pound frame. She can't stand at the bathroom counter to brush her teeth. She can't make a pot of coffee without assistance. All of these limitations mean that she is a like a prisoner in her own body with an active mind and memories of an active life. Like many elders, the thing she fears most is a fall and broken leg, ribs or hip. Often that is the end of our elders; they just don't survive the surgery required to repair the injury and ease their pain.
Remembering this and understanding her frustration, her fear of falling and her isolation makes it much easier to be patient and loving toward her. I might not be patient with others, I may grumble, cuss, chew someone out - but I don't do it to her. I do say things like "this frustrates me too", " I am sorry you can't move around more easily" and "yes, it's a pain in the neck but I'm happy to do it for you" - it seems to make her feel better; to reassure her that I WANT to help her. Often I list those things that she might be feeling - fear, frustration, loneliness, anger - and then I WANT to help her. The old saying "put yourself in someone else's shoes" truly does wonders.
The key words in the definition above are vicarious experiencing of feelings...of another. If you've not been able to do this before, you'd better learn it while you're helping your parent or other elders. If you don't, I truly believe that you'll get some come-upance when YOU'RE old.
Learning to be empathic is key to remaining patient with Mom and diligent about her care. Mom is sharp of mind but weak in body. Arthritis and osteoporosis has distorted her back, neck and knees. Though she is not in much pain she is weak and her joints just don't work. She can't grasp utensils or glasses very well; door knobs are difficult to turn. She can only walk 10 steps or so then must sit because her knees won't support her 100 pound frame. She can't stand at the bathroom counter to brush her teeth. She can't make a pot of coffee without assistance. All of these limitations mean that she is a like a prisoner in her own body with an active mind and memories of an active life. Like many elders, the thing she fears most is a fall and broken leg, ribs or hip. Often that is the end of our elders; they just don't survive the surgery required to repair the injury and ease their pain.
Remembering this and understanding her frustration, her fear of falling and her isolation makes it much easier to be patient and loving toward her. I might not be patient with others, I may grumble, cuss, chew someone out - but I don't do it to her. I do say things like "this frustrates me too", " I am sorry you can't move around more easily" and "yes, it's a pain in the neck but I'm happy to do it for you" - it seems to make her feel better; to reassure her that I WANT to help her. Often I list those things that she might be feeling - fear, frustration, loneliness, anger - and then I WANT to help her. The old saying "put yourself in someone else's shoes" truly does wonders.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Making decisions for Mom means risking her anger and hurt
Mom has changed, she is no longer the realistic practical mom I grew up with. She is whining, complaining about minutia like the texture of pasta, toast that's too light and watery soup. She refuses to get out and meet others; she makes excuses not to walk or talk. I must accept that she will not make decisions for herself any more, that we must decide on her behalf.
Dealing with this change is the hardest part of helping my Mom. She is the one who convinced me to take a class in logic and explained abstract math concepts of algebra. To realize that our roles have completely shifted is difficult. It means admitting that she is dependent on me to make most of her decisions. It means that even though I discuss things with her, I might make a decision that is contrary to her wishes. She can still understand a smart argument for or against something yet her emotions always seem to win out. She can't always apply reason and it's difficult for me to comprehend how that can be.
I am afraid to make these decisions because it means she might be hurt or angry with me. I feel guilty because I feel manipulative. I know what needs to be done and must get her to come to the same conclusion, some times that means telling half truths or filtering the information I provide to her. It's for her own good I suppose but it doesn't mean it feels good to me.
Dealing with this change is the hardest part of helping my Mom. She is the one who convinced me to take a class in logic and explained abstract math concepts of algebra. To realize that our roles have completely shifted is difficult. It means admitting that she is dependent on me to make most of her decisions. It means that even though I discuss things with her, I might make a decision that is contrary to her wishes. She can still understand a smart argument for or against something yet her emotions always seem to win out. She can't always apply reason and it's difficult for me to comprehend how that can be.
I am afraid to make these decisions because it means she might be hurt or angry with me. I feel guilty because I feel manipulative. I know what needs to be done and must get her to come to the same conclusion, some times that means telling half truths or filtering the information I provide to her. It's for her own good I suppose but it doesn't mean it feels good to me.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Mother's Day from a distance
Mother's Day has come and gone but my guilt over not being with Mom on Mother's Day remains. I sent flowers two days ahead, mailed a card and called the day before but I've not called for three days....
I've not called because I just have so much to do and I know I'll hear the same thing over and over. The call is not for me but for Mom and I must remember that. She needs the phone call to keep her engaged and to feel loved and appreciated.
I'm sure she had a big day on Sunday. My sister-in-law and niece were making plans to take Mom out for the day to a big family meal. She was looking forward to it and I know they made it a nice day for her. It's a relief to know they'll make sure Mom is okay and gets to feel special and I appreciate their thoughtfulness. If I thank them for things like that they look at me as though I'm weird, like "what else would we do?". We all just do those sorts of things for our parents; it's expected. It would not occur to them to leave her out. I hope I remember to tell them just how special it is to make that effort.
I've not called because I just have so much to do and I know I'll hear the same thing over and over. The call is not for me but for Mom and I must remember that. She needs the phone call to keep her engaged and to feel loved and appreciated.
I'm sure she had a big day on Sunday. My sister-in-law and niece were making plans to take Mom out for the day to a big family meal. She was looking forward to it and I know they made it a nice day for her. It's a relief to know they'll make sure Mom is okay and gets to feel special and I appreciate their thoughtfulness. If I thank them for things like that they look at me as though I'm weird, like "what else would we do?". We all just do those sorts of things for our parents; it's expected. It would not occur to them to leave her out. I hope I remember to tell them just how special it is to make that effort.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Why not just move your mom to YOUR new town....
I live 2000 miles from my Mom and travel to see her about every 6 weeks. UGH! It's a scheduling and financial burden but I feel it's best for her. I can't tell you how many times well meaning friends suggested that I move mom closer to me and even implied that I'm a rotten daughter because I didn't do it! Needless to say, those folks are OFF the friends list.... Some friends can't understand why I travel so far so often to see my Mom. Here's my reason for leaving Mom in her home town:
Consider my Mom's condition: 88.5 years old, stiff and weakened from arthritis, and lived in the same house for 63 years. She retained friendships through school and church from the age of 12. She does not have the time to make new, deep friendships and experiences. She is NOT terribly forgetful or demented; she doesn't sleep the whole day away. She remains curious and intellectually aware. I live more than 6 states away from my home town where Mom still lives. It's a different geography, climate and a totally different type of people; they are not welcoming to strangers. Making connections is important to my Mom, it gives her a sense of "rooted-ness"; she could never make those connections if I move her to an ALF where I currently live.
Here's an example of the type of connections I mean: the maintenance supervisor at her ALF is the grandson of my Grandma's friend and neighbor, Mom met him years ago as a teenager. Another resident is the widow of a long-time neighbor and just recently two members of Mom's church congregation moved into her ALF. THESE are important connections that help her feel secure. These connections give her a sense of community within the ALF and thus help make it HOME. She'd never find these if I were to move her 2000 miles away. It's easier for me to travel to see HER rather than force her to live without this sense of connectedness. It's a relief to write about this here; those same snide people who made me feel like a rotten daughter would not take the time to listen to these good reasons. When it's their turn to fill this role, I hope I forget their attitudes and can offer some kind support and wise advice that benefits their parents .
Consider my Mom's condition: 88.5 years old, stiff and weakened from arthritis, and lived in the same house for 63 years. She retained friendships through school and church from the age of 12. She does not have the time to make new, deep friendships and experiences. She is NOT terribly forgetful or demented; she doesn't sleep the whole day away. She remains curious and intellectually aware. I live more than 6 states away from my home town where Mom still lives. It's a different geography, climate and a totally different type of people; they are not welcoming to strangers. Making connections is important to my Mom, it gives her a sense of "rooted-ness"; she could never make those connections if I move her to an ALF where I currently live.
Here's an example of the type of connections I mean: the maintenance supervisor at her ALF is the grandson of my Grandma's friend and neighbor, Mom met him years ago as a teenager. Another resident is the widow of a long-time neighbor and just recently two members of Mom's church congregation moved into her ALF. THESE are important connections that help her feel secure. These connections give her a sense of community within the ALF and thus help make it HOME. She'd never find these if I were to move her 2000 miles away. It's easier for me to travel to see HER rather than force her to live without this sense of connectedness. It's a relief to write about this here; those same snide people who made me feel like a rotten daughter would not take the time to listen to these good reasons. When it's their turn to fill this role, I hope I forget their attitudes and can offer some kind support and wise advice that benefits their parents .
Stressed, yes but others are in more dire need...
Good developments and a frustrating conversation sum up the past few days. After my last conversation with Mom I had to take a break and have not called her for 3 days now. It's hard but I keep myself busy with household chores to make the time go by faster. For a couple of days when I called she had company; it was a relief to play second fiddle! She had someone to talk with other than me; the more the better. I can always call back. When I did call back, we had a frustrating conversation. She kept bringing up reasons why she HAD to move back home. There was no reasoning with her so I finally just got in a few "uh-hu"s then told her that I had to run and we'd discuss it on my next trip in May.
Other things have me stressed out as well - Dan wants to move to Florida for the dead of winter where I fear my storm-related migraines will become more frequent. My sister-in-law has offered to take Mom to the bank and I fear she'll hit Mom up for money and I am having NO luck in my own job search. I need to make the time to meditate and exercise so I can understand which of these I can impact and how I can protect Mom and do what's best for me at the same time. Whew!..deep breath... Things could be far worse. I've been in touch with a classmate who has far greater worries than my own. He's a single father of 4, two high school age boys and two younger kids with special needs. His ex-wife is not in the picture and he was diagnosed with cancer before the end of 2008. His worries are simple: he wants to survive for his kids. Money, possessions, location, none of it matters; he just wants to be here. I will pray for his health, wish him the best and be thankful that I'm capable of worrying about others right now because that means I'm doing alright.
Other things have me stressed out as well - Dan wants to move to Florida for the dead of winter where I fear my storm-related migraines will become more frequent. My sister-in-law has offered to take Mom to the bank and I fear she'll hit Mom up for money and I am having NO luck in my own job search. I need to make the time to meditate and exercise so I can understand which of these I can impact and how I can protect Mom and do what's best for me at the same time. Whew!..deep breath... Things could be far worse. I've been in touch with a classmate who has far greater worries than my own. He's a single father of 4, two high school age boys and two younger kids with special needs. His ex-wife is not in the picture and he was diagnosed with cancer before the end of 2008. His worries are simple: he wants to survive for his kids. Money, possessions, location, none of it matters; he just wants to be here. I will pray for his health, wish him the best and be thankful that I'm capable of worrying about others right now because that means I'm doing alright.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friendly insights help me be there for mom
One of my oldest friends just completed her Masters in Social Work and has been working as an advocate for some elderly clients. I asked for her advice and here is what she had to say. She knows me well enough to tell me to take time and just listen to Mom; I get so engrossed with my to do list that I neglect to take time to just BE with her and that's what she really wants.
From Gay L, Seattle, WA, April 17, 2009:
Sounds like you tried to do all the right things when you prepared to move your mom. I would just take a guess that part of your mom's pain in back and hips was probably stress which would be normal. It is a huge deal to move elderly from some place they are comfortable with to somewhere they know nothing about. And remember your mom has lived in the same house for many many years. That is hard also. Even if the move is needed. What I learned by visiting with the elderly women I spent time with is this. When they talk about being uncomfortable or scared or depressed don't try to fix it. Listen to them and acknowledge that it must be very hard. They need to talk about it with out somebody telling them why it is important. They know why, but they still feel like they are losing part of who they are. Grieving is a process in this and it is so important they are allowed to grieve.
The other thing I wanted to say was that there are sometimes support groups for people who are taking care of their elderly parents. These groups are for both those whose parents live in the adult children's homes or assisted living homes. Check with some agencies in the area to see if they have one. If not look into starting one. It gives people a place to come and talk about what is going on, the feelings around having to move parents, and everything else between diminishing mental capacity and/or physical difficulties. Your not alone and the care givers need support to deal with the guilt that sometime accompanies the process of doing what is right.
I will comment more later but hang in there and listen to her and acknowledge her feelings. She is scared and it is normal.
From Gay L, Seattle, WA, April 17, 2009:
Sounds like you tried to do all the right things when you prepared to move your mom. I would just take a guess that part of your mom's pain in back and hips was probably stress which would be normal. It is a huge deal to move elderly from some place they are comfortable with to somewhere they know nothing about. And remember your mom has lived in the same house for many many years. That is hard also. Even if the move is needed. What I learned by visiting with the elderly women I spent time with is this. When they talk about being uncomfortable or scared or depressed don't try to fix it. Listen to them and acknowledge that it must be very hard. They need to talk about it with out somebody telling them why it is important. They know why, but they still feel like they are losing part of who they are. Grieving is a process in this and it is so important they are allowed to grieve.
The other thing I wanted to say was that there are sometimes support groups for people who are taking care of their elderly parents. These groups are for both those whose parents live in the adult children's homes or assisted living homes. Check with some agencies in the area to see if they have one. If not look into starting one. It gives people a place to come and talk about what is going on, the feelings around having to move parents, and everything else between diminishing mental capacity and/or physical difficulties. Your not alone and the care givers need support to deal with the guilt that sometime accompanies the process of doing what is right.
I will comment more later but hang in there and listen to her and acknowledge her feelings. She is scared and it is normal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
