The state of denial is a weird place to live...

I am watching someone live in a state of denial and it's hard to keep my mouth shut. The past couple of weeks I've been staying at my Mom's home where my brother is living. Mom's in a nursing home so it's just the 2 of us there. Normally he's an impatient jerk to family members but this visit, he's been pretty nice and that makes me wonder just what's going on.. He's been visiting a nurse practitioner about high blood pressure and they want to run stress tests in a couple of weeks. I can tell he's anxious about it all.

I can also tell he's suffering from bad emphysema and he mentioned something about COPD - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I also worry about colon cancer since it runs in both sides of our family and he's never been checked. At 66, he's terribly short winded and he can barely do anything requiring exertion. He has an ugly cough that rattles from deep within his chest. He can't walk to the mail box without stopping to catch his breath. He looks at least 10 years older than his age. However, he talks about things as though he's much younger and more able.

He talks about fishing, moving to the mountains and buying a boat. He talks about travelling to see friends in the Philippines, seeing beaches in  Hawaii and Mexico in winter.   He talks about others in health with disgust and complains about how they treat their bodies but still drinks several beers a day and finishes off one pack of cigarettes by evening.  I'm quite realistic so it's hard for me to listen to this.  I want to scream, "Look at what you've done to YOURSELF!"  "How can you even think of buying something at your age in your condition?!"  But I don't, I keep my mouth shut.   I say nothing to prevent arguements - for his sake, it's the last thing he needs and, selfishly, I just don't want to deal with his vile temper.   I know he can't have long, a year, perhaps 2 at most.  I wonder how much his body can take.  I patronize him I suppose but it's easier on him and on me.   I went through this with an uncle years ago.   He was terminal and we all knew it but we let him live in denial.  He had hope for every day.  He was interested in things and happy every minute.  I can only hope the same for my brother for every day he's got left. 

Catalog with sentimental things for mom (me too)

Mom often longs for familiar things from her childhood and trying to find them is really difficult if not impossible.  I did find one catalog, Vermont Country Store, that has a lot of things that she enjoys.  I found licorice, ribbon candy, soap and other things that bring back warm memories of her youth.   I've even found some things that I find useful and enjoy - a hand cranked food mill, replacement lids for pans, glasses.... all kinds of stuff.  I find that I like to get a catalog first then browse through the web site.   I also take the catalog to Mom in case there's anything she might want to order.

Where can i find old products that mom likes?  where can i find ribbon candy? clove ribbon candy, cinnamon ribbon candy, old-fashioned old fashioned products for mom dad grandma grandpa

Talk of "home" is ladies last..

Sometimes a simple act has great significance to an elder. Whether they are at home, living in a facility or hospitalized, just a few moments of time spent can lift their spirits for days.

I spent the last week of May in my home town and saw Mom every day. On the way to her room one afternoon I saw a very elderly lady struggling to get comfortable in her chair. Feeling bad, I sat next to her to ask if I could help. We easily began a conversation and it turned out that we had some connections. Fay, age 93, turned out to be the aunt of my cousin and she grew up in the same small Hoosier town as my husband.

Fay told me as much as she remembered about my cousin and we talked about the old businesses in that small town she remembered so well. She brightened up as she described the cafe where she met her husband and how she worked to send him money after he moved across the country get settled ahead of her arrival. I reassured her that the cafe was still open ( it really is) and I told her about recent renovations at the historic county court house, a relatively new building when she moved west in the mid-1930's. We talked of things she missed about the midwest - huge peaches, lightening bugs, the beautiful fall colors and her family. We also talked about things particular to her home town - traffic at a stand still several times a day as long, long trains passed through, the old brick Catholic Church torn down long ago; the fierce wind and hail that build quickly and pound through town and the flooding that used to happen on the south side of town. I know relatively little about my husband's home town, but the things I do know were the same things that Fay remembered very well. Coincidence?

Fay easily remembered both addresses where she lived so I relayed those to my husband who took pictures of the tiny houses and emailed them to me. Our talk lasted only about an hour but she was truly aware and so happy to make a connection to her friends and family; it was something familiar in a place and time where she outlived all her "new" connections. She mentioned that she had not seen much of her family since moving in the mid- 1930's so meeting someone from "home" was exciting.

Before I had a chance to print the photos and deliver them, Fay passed away in her sleep just two days after our conversation. At first I felt bad that I had not made it with the reprints of her home but I guess that after our reminiscing she decided to go there and see them for herself.