Be thankful there are people who don't like you...

Today, the day after a weekend of time spent with family and loving friends, I am left thankful that there are people who do not like me. In fact, the more they dis-like me the better.   The reason is simple: these people are so lacking in moral fiber and have such little thought for the feelings of others, that, if they did like me, I would wonder just what kind of low-life jerk I had become.

My cousin called this morning upset over mail he received from the attorney for his evil step mother.   Getting it brought back decades of hurtful memories caused in large part by her selfish behavior.  From the time he was 10, any interaction with her and most interaction with his father left him disappointed, feeling abandoned and cast aside.  The evil witch died months ago and her attorney and son, the Executor of her estate, mailed her will just in time for it to arrive on Christmas Eve.  Given the history of this woman, it is a fitting action for someone who was so maliciously and deliberately mean throughout her life. It seems that the evil things she did were lessons well learned by at least one of her children - the other wanted nothing to do with her..  I can understand why.

The "inheritance" she left to my cousin was the small sum of $1.  I am certain she did it so that there could be no way to contest the estate of her husband, father to my cousins, thus leaving everything to her sons.  It's not like there is a lot of cash property to be had and my cousins would not want it anyway because it means hashing up to much pain and disappointment.  But, to leave them with $1 and then send a letter at this time of year is just mean-spirited.   My cousins have had nothing to do with her for nearly 15 years, why is it necessary to send anything now?

Years ago in the 60's, this woman decided that she would marry my uncle - never mind that he was already married with one grown daughter and 2 sons at home.  She pursued him in a town small enough that most people knew everyone else's business and he was happy to have the additional female attention. Neither of them cared that the eldest son was ridiculed by friends on the main street of town because his father was seen out with another woman. Neither of them cared that his youngest sat and sat and sat waiting the driveway of the other woman's house while my uncle visited her and her sons inside.  There were too many times to count that my uncle made a promise to my cousins only to take it back because his girl friend and then wife made other plans.   Most times, she was there to hear the plans and readily agreed yet when the time came, my uncle would cancel at the last minute in deference to her.  She knew my cousins would be hurt and disappointed yet she made other plans anyway.  After seeing her do this over and over, one can only conclude that she knew EXACTLY what she was doing.  We are left to wonder why - there was no threat to her or her relationship with my uncle.  His first wife was to tired and busy working to put up a fight.  My uncle's siblings were too darned polite to cause a rift between them so why go out of her way to hurt his kids?

Through it all my cousins tried to put their hurt aside and treat their father with respect and kindness. When he died, none of them got a call until after he passed even though he was hospitalized for days.  They were denied the gift of simply saying good bye.  None of them wanted anything to memorialize him except for small sentimental things - a fishing pole perhaps - yet she responded with mean cursing, name calling and restraining orders.  She was always good at playing the victim yet she was the ultimate culprit in hurt and meanness.  I've known people who called her, "that poor Pat, the single mother with the sick son."  There was nothing poor about her.  She wanted someone to take care of her and did it at the terrible expense of 4 others.   I can't let my uncle off the hook - he is just as culpable but I do not  believe he was as capable of such malicious planning as she.  His are sins of insecurity and thoughtlessness.  He didn't realize how much he was loved and needed by his family.  His 2nd wife KNEW how much the first family loved and needed him. Taking him away from them made her feel powerful and happy.  God forbid someone like that come into my life - or anyone else's for that matter.

It makes me sad to write something like this at a time of the year when we should be appreciative of family but it also sets me free.  I am thankful that my family and friendships are genuine and sincere! 

Mom's party is a hit; old friends made her feel remembered and loved

As I planned Mom's birthday party I really worried that there was no one left to come but I was wrong.  I'm SO GRATEFUL that I was wrong!!!   We held it at her church so a few of those people attended, then a couple of her cousins came from out of town and some old neighbors just happened to be in town on the same weekend.  After the cake and ice cream we all went to her house for a family meal.  More neighbors came from down the street and made it a special evening. 

Mom was thrilled to see them all.  I felt bad that it was a relatively short open house, only 4 hours and she only had a few minutes with each person;  she would have loved more time to visit.  However, I have names and addresses now so we can go to see them!!   And I WILL take her.   She has different memories and stories to relate with each one of those people.  And, what nice people they are!!  

Mom's lived in the same town since 1936 and the same house since 1943.  Decades!!  I can't say that I've lived in one place that long.  I worry that I won't have the long-time friends and relationships like she's had.  While I wouldn't trade my experiences for much of anything, I envy her stability.  She and my dad created a satisfying life in the same place. They were involved in their community and made lasting relationships; they were - they ARE - respected.   They might not have had lots of money, didn't travel or have expensive toys but they had something much more precious.

Let go - realize what you CAN do versus what you WANT

The past year I've learned a lot of hard lessons, the most important is that I can't do everything - I must let some things go.   I can't keep up our home & yard in another state, a full-time job, Mom's house & yard, take mom for outings and doctor appointments, mind her finances AND exercise and eat right.    Something is always getting dropped, most often it's something I want for myself - a lunch with the girls, a hobby or craft, a trip to the salon for a haircut....   I am not complaining, but I am confessing that I've become okay with letting some things go for my own sake and my mom's.   I had to prioritize:  People have become important and my relationship with my husband has become the most important thing.   He's been wonderful and patient and I don't know how I'd do this all without him.  

After the past year here are my new priorities:

• 1st:   my husband and my own emotional needs 
• 2nd our financial well being - don't go into debt for others not even Mom, be thrifty & don't sacrifice your ability to save for your own long term care, pay our bills on time
• 2nd Mom's physical needs, is her environment safe? is it clean, clothes cleaned & replaced often, does she get meds on time and in a manner that she's happy with ( she needs to take pills with milk or she gets nauseous)
• 3rd Mom's emotional needs (does she feel loved and get enough mental stimulation?)
• 4th Mom's finances
• Maintaining our relationship with friends and family, keep in contact somehow, forget those who are demanding, fail to understand that you can't do everything
• Our home and yard
• Mom's home and yard

This list has served me well.  I've learned that a few weeds here and there aren't the end of the world, that the roses look just as good without constant deadheading.   I've also learned that it's okay if Mom doesn't have visitors every day, that she WILL survive a brief check up at the doctor on her own and that she will get enough to eat with out my prodding.   She has not changed, my attitude is what's changed.  I've learned to give up some control and stop worrying about what others think of me or of the condition of our home or of her little house and yard.   It's not possible to do it all without killing myself and Mom would not want that.  She'd want me to spend more time visiting with her or taking her out and less time breaking my back. 

Brothers health might stretch my support thin...

After a few hours of sleep I'm wide awake and worrying in the wee hours of the morning.   My husband and I spent the past week at my Mom's house with my brother who's 18 years older than me.  He's living at her home now, paying all the household bills and tending to the lawn, etc.  It's beneficial for Mom and also for him.  I don't care for some of the things he does and sometimes I don't care much for him but this morning, I'm really worried about him.  He seems different and weak and vulnerable.  I am afraid something is wrong and that some day, I'll have to tell my Mom that her son is seriously ill.  What's worse than learning that your child is ill or dieing?  It will be tough for us all.

I can't help but think about my brother and feel for him - just WHAT I feel is what's keeping me awake.  My brother is not what I'd call a nice guy - at least not to those in his family.  He's been kind, generous and even loving to friends and even total strangers.  To us he's most often mean and impatient. He speaks with NO regard to people's feelings and drinks WAY too much which makes his attitude even more rude and crude. Yet....no matter how much of a jerk he is, when any of us - parents, siblings, cousins, nieces or nephews - has really needed something or someone, he's come through.   For all his hurtful crap, he's as dependable as the morning; sometimes that's a cold, grey morning but it's still morning.  His attitudes indicate he doesn't like people, wants nothing to do with them or with us, yet lately he's showing some tenderness here and there that makes me reconsider what's really important.  His tendency to push everyone way might just mean that he needs some support all the more right now.   I won't do it because I care deeply for him or because he's been loving to me but I'll do it for myself.  It's selfish I suppose but I couldn't feel good about myself if I left him feeling that no one gave a damn.  I feel I owe him something, although I consider all "debts", both figurative and literal, well paid in full.   I just can't let him be completely alone and without a soul to care.  My husband and I fear that fate someday - no children and nieces and nephews scattered and busy with their own lives, who'll give a damn about us?  We'll have to be secure knowing that someone REALLY, REALLY loved us and cared dearly one point  in our lives even if one of us ends up alone. My brother doesn't have that to comfort him so I'll do what I can and feel good that I was able to show kindness to someone who could not show it to his family.  Some people might call me a martyr for that attitude but let them.   They don't have to live with ME.  I have to live with me, I have to look myself in the mirror everyday and I'd see something really bad if I weren't there for him.

Getting sneaky to do what's best for our elders

Dealing with family members while your parents or elders are aging is often THE most frustrating and hurtful issue we face.   I hear all kinds of terrible stories about family who take advantage of elders or who are in charge of money and health decisions but don't care what the elder wants.  After being so protective of my own parents for so many years, I have an immediate and physical reaction when I hear bad stories.  I get passionate and angry.  My blood pressure rises, and at my age that means hot flashes and nausea.  My reaction is also because I just can not comprehend how someone would steal money or belongings, or fail to consider the emotional and "quality of life" issues when making decisions about elder or sick people.   I just can not understand how people could take advantage of the vulnerable and the lonely.   It's all greed and lack of a conscious I guess.

The situations I hear about most are caused by financially strapped people who think an older person doesn't need much anymore so they feel entitled to Grandma's money.  Because Grandma or Grandpa says, "yes", when asked to a request for money doesn't mean they have it to spare. And, it doesn't mean Grandma or Grandpa understands that "yes" will compromise their finances.  Some people also seem to believe that their idea of what should happen is better than that of anyone else; they have huge egos or a control freak personality.  They want control and will manipulate, lie, coerce their elders or siblings to become the decision maker, have control, get money or belongings.   When I've talked with such people, they often have sane-sounding reasons for doing what they do but they look at situations from THEIR filter and don't consider what's best for their specific parent or elder. 

Sometimes the lieing and manipulating must be done by the "good" party - someone who comes into save the elder from another who's taking advantage.   An acquaintance of mine recently had to do a lot of work to get her mother out of a bad environment.  A grandson and his pregnant girl friend were living with the 78 year old.  The grandson completed credit card applications with himself as an authorized user - not responsible for paying the debt. He ran up more than $50,000 of debt in less than a year and grandma quickly fell behind on payment because he tossed the bills.    Grandma was buying all the groceries, including their cigarettes and alcohol.  When her daughter brought it up, Grandma felt that the kids needed her help and that they were there helping her.  She didn't s notice the dents in her car, piles of laundry, the dirty ashtrays everywhere. She didn't comprehend the added costs in water, heat and electricity.   She seemed relieved that grandson was "taking care of those details now..."  Actually, Grandson had not paid bills in months and Grandma was close to loosing her electric and gas service.  My friend was wise to collect more than 3 months of bills, canceled checks and receipts.  This was the hardest thing of all - to quietly collect information while someone was taking advantage of her Mother, but it was necessary.  Before doing anything she saw an attorney about filing bankrupty for her mother.  She also contacted the local county authorities about charges she could bring against her nephew for elder abuse and fraud. She was armed with information about the charges she could bring against her nephew and she got a restraining order. 

After collecting enough information, the daughter immediately went to work. She took Grandma to spend the week with a cousin and had Grandma sign a complete and durable Power Of Attorney.   With that she went to the bank and changed all of Grandma's accounts.  She closed the charge cards and changed the billing address for all bills to her own.   While the Grandson and Girlfriend were out, she put their belongings in garbage bags and placed them in the car port. She changed the locks on the apartment and warned the neighbors and land lord that they were evicted.  She found him and told him he could not return to Grandmas and gave him a copy of the restraining order.  She gave him $1000 in cash and told him that would help them get settled elsewhere.   Once that week was over, she still had more work to do  - there were legal issues with her Mom's debt but Grandson/Nephew was gone so dealing with Grandma/Mom was easier.  She sold her Mothers car, moved her to assisted living and now handles all of her business affairs.

This case took some sneaky work and it was the right thing to do on behalf of Grandma/Mom.  I suspect that the daughter glossed over the details of the Power of Attorney.  I doubt she told her Mother just how much power and control it would grant over Mom's affairs. I suspect the Daughter realized her Mom was forgetful and becoming needy.  In the strictest legal sense, Grandma/Mom was probably not 100% competent which might nullify the PoA if it were challenged, but WHO would do that?  Grandson/Nephew didn't have the funds or know how to challenge anything.  Grandma/Mom's competence was borderline and experts could probably be found to argue either way.    The Daughter is doing the right things at the expense of the relationship with her nephew and her Mom's grandson.  However, the relationship was not positive for Grandma, it was a life-sucking parasite.  Even though Grandma misses that part of her family, she is safer without them and that's the ultimate goal.

Sneaky family hurts grandma, how can i keep my brother sister from stealing from mom, sister brother lied to get POA power of attorney

Don't expect to get your gifts back...

A friend recently had a several falling out with her sister over a gift one had given their mother. The mother had this vase for years then when downsizing gave it to the other sister. The "giver" was upset because she always expected to get the vase back. I've discussed this situation with other friends and it seems to be an issue over and over, one family to the next. A child give something to a parent expecting to get it back 'someday' 'when Mom loves' or dies. Within my own family, my brother claims many of the things in my mothers home, and says "because I paid for it" - which may or may not be true. The rest of us have households with enough stuff, so if he wants it, he can have it. It's not worth arguing over.

My friend's situation above, however, resulted in hurt feelings, not necessarily anger. The giver was upset that her mother gave away "her" vase and upset with her sister for taking it when she knew the giver wanted it back. The giver felt betrayed by both her mother and her sister. What to do in cases like this is difficult. One must understand WHY mom gave the vase to the other sister. Did the sister ask for the vase? Did mom forget that the giver wanted it back? Did the giver clearly tell Mom that she wanted the vase back some day? In this case, I know the Mom and I'm sure she just forgot about the arrangement to return the vase but I could see where Mom could resent such an expectation. In the end, the sisters talked without involving Mom and sister two gave the vase to the giver. I could imagine, though, that this type of thing could escalate into one of those situations that triggers an argument, grudges and the breakdown of a relationship.

If it were me, I'd tell my daughter that if she wanted the vase, she should buy one for herself and I'd wonder why she gave it to me in the first place. It is obsurd to present a gift to someone and then expect it back. It's a GIFT not a LOAN. There are all kinds of complicated scenarios that could arise and each is just one more chance for hurt feelings, disappointment and confusion. It's best to just avoid that completely.

When we give a gift, we must live with the outcome of that action. Once the gift is presented, it becomes the property of the recipient and is theirs to do with as they please. I would hope that people could be genuinely open and act from a loving place. If you like and appreciate a gift, say so and use it with pleasure. If you are presented with a gift but it's the wrong size/color/texture/smell/style/etc. then gently speak up and let the giver exchange or return it. When it comes to your parents, don't complicate their lives, especially if they are elderly. Give them things that they will use and enjoy. Don't give them something because you want it for yourself at some point you just risk hurt and disappointment if it's broken or damaged, or also desired by a sibling.

Let friends be supportive - even a bit helps YOU

I created a Facebook profile about the same time that I started this blog and I've found it to be a great spot for some support! Yes, people send supportive notes but it gives me the chance to be supportive to friends and family. Family is THE most important thing to me and mine is spread far and wide - the all around NW USA, California, Wisconsin, Michigan - with Facebook I can check in with them, send quick notes and share in their lives more regularily than just a quick visit every few years.

My facebook friends & family share jokes, updates about health issues, spouses, kids and our parents - good news and bad. I'm impressed with the way that people share in funny things but even more impressed with the responses when there's sad or bad news! I'd say that positive and supportive responses to bad news is twice that of good news. For example, the classmate who gave me very good advice about assisted living facilities posted a comment that her dad fell at a local grocery store and that he ended up in the ER. Within minutes, 7 of us were able to see it and offer kind words. I checked back this morning and even more people made comments and she posted an update on her dads status - he's fine and getting around well but still black and blue.

Perhaps it's selfish of me but I was thankful to have the chance to tell her that I hope he's okay and that I understand how worried she must have been. From a communication stand point, my friend was also able to notify family far and wide using Facebook. Originally, I signed up to get in touch with high school classmates out of curiosity and to get information about our reunion. I never dreamed it would be a place where I could feel the support of friends and give love and support to them as well. If you're able, I recommend it!