Be thankful there are people who don't like you...

Today, the day after a weekend of time spent with family and loving friends, I am left thankful that there are people who do not like me. In fact, the more they dis-like me the better.   The reason is simple: these people are so lacking in moral fiber and have such little thought for the feelings of others, that, if they did like me, I would wonder just what kind of low-life jerk I had become.

My cousin called this morning upset over mail he received from the attorney for his evil step mother.   Getting it brought back decades of hurtful memories caused in large part by her selfish behavior.  From the time he was 10, any interaction with her and most interaction with his father left him disappointed, feeling abandoned and cast aside.  The evil witch died months ago and her attorney and son, the Executor of her estate, mailed her will just in time for it to arrive on Christmas Eve.  Given the history of this woman, it is a fitting action for someone who was so maliciously and deliberately mean throughout her life. It seems that the evil things she did were lessons well learned by at least one of her children - the other wanted nothing to do with her..  I can understand why.

The "inheritance" she left to my cousin was the small sum of $1.  I am certain she did it so that there could be no way to contest the estate of her husband, father to my cousins, thus leaving everything to her sons.  It's not like there is a lot of cash property to be had and my cousins would not want it anyway because it means hashing up to much pain and disappointment.  But, to leave them with $1 and then send a letter at this time of year is just mean-spirited.   My cousins have had nothing to do with her for nearly 15 years, why is it necessary to send anything now?

Years ago in the 60's, this woman decided that she would marry my uncle - never mind that he was already married with one grown daughter and 2 sons at home.  She pursued him in a town small enough that most people knew everyone else's business and he was happy to have the additional female attention. Neither of them cared that the eldest son was ridiculed by friends on the main street of town because his father was seen out with another woman. Neither of them cared that his youngest sat and sat and sat waiting the driveway of the other woman's house while my uncle visited her and her sons inside.  There were too many times to count that my uncle made a promise to my cousins only to take it back because his girl friend and then wife made other plans.   Most times, she was there to hear the plans and readily agreed yet when the time came, my uncle would cancel at the last minute in deference to her.  She knew my cousins would be hurt and disappointed yet she made other plans anyway.  After seeing her do this over and over, one can only conclude that she knew EXACTLY what she was doing.  We are left to wonder why - there was no threat to her or her relationship with my uncle.  His first wife was to tired and busy working to put up a fight.  My uncle's siblings were too darned polite to cause a rift between them so why go out of her way to hurt his kids?

Through it all my cousins tried to put their hurt aside and treat their father with respect and kindness. When he died, none of them got a call until after he passed even though he was hospitalized for days.  They were denied the gift of simply saying good bye.  None of them wanted anything to memorialize him except for small sentimental things - a fishing pole perhaps - yet she responded with mean cursing, name calling and restraining orders.  She was always good at playing the victim yet she was the ultimate culprit in hurt and meanness.  I've known people who called her, "that poor Pat, the single mother with the sick son."  There was nothing poor about her.  She wanted someone to take care of her and did it at the terrible expense of 4 others.   I can't let my uncle off the hook - he is just as culpable but I do not  believe he was as capable of such malicious planning as she.  His are sins of insecurity and thoughtlessness.  He didn't realize how much he was loved and needed by his family.  His 2nd wife KNEW how much the first family loved and needed him. Taking him away from them made her feel powerful and happy.  God forbid someone like that come into my life - or anyone else's for that matter.

It makes me sad to write something like this at a time of the year when we should be appreciative of family but it also sets me free.  I am thankful that my family and friendships are genuine and sincere! 

More advice on old feet - dealing with "foot funk"

The older we get the more likely we are to develop "foot funk" - it's my generic term for athlete's foot, toe fungus and generally dry scaly appearance.   With my Mom's feet, there are dry patches on her heels and calouses and then there are overly moist hard-to-keep dry areas between her toes.  I also notice that the area between her does almost looked "spongy" at times - the skin was white on top with small holes.  When I spread her toes it would stretch and tear, revealing dark pink skin underneath.  The top layers of skin would very easily peel or rub off and the skin below could split and become painful.  When I first began watching her feet, this happened a lot but over a few weeks time - with diligent attention and a some new practices - we healed up the worst spots and all she suffered was some itching now and then - a huge improvement over the keep cracks and odors.

Poor circulation means that Mom wants socks and shoes on all the time but that means the area between her toes don't get "aired out" and remain moist.   When Mom was home I soaked her feet in a mix of water and white vinegar (4 to 1 dilution), water and listerine (2 to 1 dilution) and tried an occasional massage with tea tree oil after cleaning and drying her feet well. Be warned, I used the tea tree oil ONLY after the cracks on her skin were healed.  DO NOT USE TEA TREE OIL ON OPEN WOUNDS!    The water and white vinegar once a week seemed to work best.   She had a couple of spots between her two most outer toes that were stubborn and it took a long time to see improvement in the skin. For these I used anti-fungal cream for a couple of months.  When I was not there, she was able to put the cream between her toes herself everyday.  This helped it to heal so that a mild vinegar soak was able to keep the fungus at bay.    I didn't want to soak her feet until these areas where improved because I thought the vinegar might burn or sting raw open spots between those toes.

I don't think you can ever get rid of this stuff once it's there;  it's a matter of keeping it under control.   I've read that there are dietary changes that also help - it's basically reducing sugar intake. Sugar is fungus' favorite food so if you eat a lot of it or if you're diabetic and your body can't process sugar, you might have more problems with athlete's foot - and fungus in other spots like jock itch or vagina yeast infections....but - our focus here is FEET so please read on......

Here are some of the things that worked for my mom's feet:  Remember that we had to be diligent about this, it became part of her regular daily routine:
Socks:  always use cotton, wool or some of the new materials that wick moisture AWAY from the skin. change socks daily and wash socks alone in small loads. Use hot water and put at least one cup of white vinegar, 2 cups is probably best,  in the wash water to help kill fungus.  I got the "wicking" socks at REI in the hiking section.  If it was especially cold, I'd put those on first then a 2nd pair of wool socks.
Shoes: if possible, let them go without shoes, this permits air to circulate around the feet.   Often shoes for our elders are made of vinyl or other man-made products that don't permit air circulation.  My mom used to complain of her feet feeling cold and wet when she wore cheap sneakers - they were, she had poor circulation but her feel still sweated and it stayed there in her poly-canvas shoes.  EEE..UUUuuuuu
Powder:  We used a spray athlete's foot powder, medicated foot powder, corn starch and baking soda combined - they all helped if used regularly - meaning EVERYDAY.  The generic store brands of spray powder and anti-fungal cream from Target were just as effective as the more spendy brands.  I recommend avoiding powers with talc; talc seemed to make the deepest problems worse.  Be sure to wipe it off with dry tissues at least once a day and re-apply.

DIABETIC readers:  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE - don't just take my advice here, see a doctor about your feet and how to best take care of your feet.    If cracks in your skin do not seem to heal, you might need more than over-the-counter medication. 

For my original ideas on care of old feet, see this blog post from 2009
2009 article Old feet have special needs

How do i take care of diabetic feet? How do i clean up grandmas feet? how do i trim grandpas toe nails.  Old feet have special needs.

I found another Christmas surprise for mom - a "bangle" wrist watch

Purely by accident, I found the perfect gift for my mom - a "bangle" wristwatch.   This is not just a simple bangle.  The watch band is made of two metal pieces that attach to the watch with hinges so they open up wide which will allow mom to put the watch over her wrists with ease. 

I'm so excited to find this for her.  She's gone through several watches and it's always hard to find one with a face that's medium sized yet has big numbers so she can easily see it.   I really think she'll be pleased.    Here are some photos that show the watch; the watch with the hinges in the normal position and the hinges spread apart a little. 

If anyone needs such a watch for a male, there are some very basic designs that would be suitable for a man - plain black watch bands, plain white faces and plain black numbers.   I found this one at Kohls - and it was ON SALE!!

Medium sized watch face with large numbers at all hours not just 3, 6, 9 & 12.

The watch when hinges are "closed" or not extended.

This demonstrates how the hinges open, this is only about 2/3 of the possible width. This permits Mom to open it herself and put it over her wrist. It sort of makes it a flexible size too since her wrist can swell to 2-3 times normal size due to arthritis.

What should I get grandma for Christmas.   What's the best gift for grandma for Christmas. what should i get grandma for her birthday.

More ideas for Grandma at Christmas..

This year I don't face the challenge to get Mom a Christmas gift.  She's getting 3 things that will make her life more comfty: 

• a pencil box full of rectractible pens
• several packets of eye glass wipes
• a new fleece jacket with a hood. 

She loves to do cross-word puzzles and pens always seem to disappear - I know the aides take them since she can't possibly use up ink that fast.  I got several packets of pens and used a silver sharpie to write her name on them.  I found an "easy open" pencil box in the school department at a local large retailer and voila - gift #1 down.  I won't give her all the pens now; I'll stash them at home and mail her a few at a time.

The eye glass wipes are a must.  It seems her glasses are always dirty. The aides just don't have time to help residents wash their glasses.  So now she can do it herself.

The fleece jacket will go over big.  mom's got a couple of them already but they are looking ratting and old. She needs a "dressier" version.   I buy hooded ones for her because of her dowager's hump.   The fabric for the hood wraps up and around her neck to help keep her warm.

Some other ideas for gifts:
A "counter top" wreath hanger to hold photo frames.   This is basically a pole rising above a stand with a hook at the top.   Mom can't hang anything on the walls in her nursing home so I got a couple of these.  One sits on the night stand next to her bed and holds a photo frame.  The other sits next to the sink and holds seasonal decorations.

A cabinet hook (think kitchen towels)  to hang a photo frame, decorations or a jacket or sweater.  I found this in the kitchen department.  It's supposed to hook over a kitchen cabinet door and hold a dish towel but it's just the right size to go on the cabinet door or drawer front in mom's room too.  I got one for her birthday and hung a photo frame from it.  Be sure to find the lightest frame possible since you don't want to ruin the hinges on any cabinet doors.

Slippers - especially easy on and easy off slippers.   I got Mom some with velcro closure.  It's necessary now since she lacks the dexterity to tie shoes. 

Gift certificates to the nearest salon for shampoo and set.  I pay for a "resident trust" at mom's nursing home but some families can't afford to do this.   It would be nice if someone gave other residents a $40-50 gift certificate to the in-house salon.  This would get them 4-5 haircuts - it goes a long way toward helping them feel better.

Individually wrapped candy bars.  Do this ONLY if your elder can have sugar. While these aren't as good as a whole box of chocolates, it means that the candy will keep a long long time.  If they're in a nursing home or assisted living, it also gives them something to share with the staff or other residents.


Here's another idea for TIME but comes with something to do:  Get a couple boxes of Christmas cards and stamps then spend a couple of hours dictating messages to friends and family for your elder.   Let them sign the cards and then drop them in the mail.  It will help your elder feel like they can still do something meaningful for others.  And, if they get cards in return, let them know that others appreciate them and remember them.

Help them give something to others: capture your elders favorite recipes and prepare a small book of their recipes for others. If you can, write some stories about their relatives who taught them to cook; to do a craft like quilting or who most inspired them.  Have the elder sign all the copies before you distribute them.  One thing that means a lot to me is a few recipes that my grandmother actually wrote in her own hand.  It might also be nice to have grandma or grandpa write their recipes and scan them in then print them.

Subscription to magazines with large print or some that are good reading:  Readers Digest; or something that will stimulate their brains like Popular Mechanics, literary magazines or National Geographic.  I recommend avoiding things like Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, or others that are about food, fashion or home decorating - really, it's so inappropriate for someone their age, especially if they no longer live at home.

A clipboard with a compartment for documents.   My mom uses this as a light weight lap desk.  It's also a good place to hide pends from the aides!   I attached a strap of ribbon so it's easier to pick up. I drilled two holes in the end opposite the clip, then cut a 7 inch ribbon and poked then ends into the holes.  I tied knots at the ends of the ribbon so that they are inside the document compartment. 

If your elder is still at home: give them coupons to eat out at a local restaurant. Better yet, make a couple of appointments to take them to lunch and then FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!  This is especially important in Jan, Feb and March when it's cold and dark and they might not get much company.

A telephone with volume control on the handset and large numbers.  This is especially helpful for those with hearing aides.  Hearing aids and telephones don't always work well together.   If they want to remove their hearing aide, the volume control will permit them to hear well without it.

What can I get grandma for Christmas.  What can I get for grandpa for Christmas.