Sneaky siblings are really hurtful

My sister-in-law (SIL) lives in a distant city and when her mother was alive, she called regularly. With the same regularity, my Mom-in-Law (MIL) asked me to drop things at the Post office for her. Often, these packages were addressed to the distant sister-in-law. At the time I had been married into this family only a year so I didn't feel right asking questions. I thought it best to just do the favor for MIL since she couldn't get out herself.

Now I wish I'd said something - a question, a hint, a suggestion - something, to let my husband, other SIL and brother-in-law (BIL) know what I suspected - that distant SIL was asking for the few dear, dear things that belonged to their grandmother and MIL was sending them. Since the death of my MIL, the kids -without the distant sister - talk about things and ask "I wonder what happened to that?".... I see these things at SIL's home so I knew exactly where they are but I maintain my silence. Things with the distant SIL are strained enough speaking up might exasterbate things.

Maintaining my silence is tough, really tough. I hear the emotional connection that my other SIL and BILs have for these things. I know that they would enjoy having something to remind them of their grandmother. Who's at fault here? Distant SIL asked for the items and MIL complied; she could have said "no". I can't help but feel that distant SIL should have been content with an item or two and then left something for someone else. She had not visited for years; she never drove MIL or her husband to the doctor; she didn't cleaned MIL's house, mowed her yard or help financially. Did she "deserve" all of those dear items? If we keep score on "helpfulness", then no. If we rank it on emotional attachment, she'd rate high BUT..... I wish she'd put some value on the feelings of her siblings and her emotional attachment to THEM and share the mementos and thus memories. In the end, it's the people who are left with us who should mean the most.

Mom shares belongings with Non-family

Now that Mom has moved, we must decide what to do with 60 years of accumulated stuff. This, I fear, will cause some major conflict within my family especially because Mom has a couple of close friendships with women who are like daughters to her. She wants them to have something and I agree but can't help feeling odd and asking myself, "...but, what if I want the thing Mom wants to give away?"

The whole topic of downsizing must be approached gently, which I can deal with but this non-family business is another matter. I understand how she feels about these gals and it's taken me some time to understand it and to appreciate it and them. I'm grateful that someone else loves my mom and sees that she still has a lot to contribute. These gals are a few years older than I and she met them when they came to her home to clean. Once I realized that they were devoted, trustworthy and generally nice people, I employed them to spend a few extra hours with Mom each week when family members could not be there. I realize the scenario sounds fishy but, trust me, these gals really love my mom and often visited her even without getting paid for it. Now that she's in assisted living, they call and visit; they join her for lunch; they discuss politics and grand kids and just laugh. If my Mom wants them to have something dear, it's because they are dear people to her and I support her wishes.

If it's something that I want for myself I'll take this approach:

• First, I'll ask myself WHY I want it. Is it something to which I've always had an emotional attachment? Did it belong to a grandmother or grandfather?
• Will I use it? Or, will it sit around gathering dust and be in the way?
• Second, I'll think about monetary value. Do I want it to sell for myself or should it be sold to benefit my mom's care? If it's just for MY or another siblings enrichment, then we'd be real stinkers (we're not stinkers but we do raise a little odor now and then. Nobody is perfect) and it will eventtally be sold to benefit Mom because THAT is the right thing to do.
• Is it something that my Dad gave Mom out of love like a wedding band or anniversary gift?
• Is it something that I'm sure a brother or niece, nephew, grandchild might want?

If the answer to any of these is yes, then I'll tell Mom that I think someone - or that I - would be disappointed not to have the item. BUT, I will also tell her that these are HER things and she should do what she wants with them. I don't want to apply pressure to her nor do I want anyone to be terribly hurt if they truly want something that means a lot to them. I have great emotional attachment to a very few things; things that were used daily by my great grand mother then my grandma and my Mom. I grew up using these things and I want to use them in my own home. To me, it's a way of honoring their memory and holding onto the important things I learned from each of them. It keeps me grounded and reminds me of the tough things they endured - I can continue also.

So - what about family? That's the tough part. Past personality conflicts come back; grudges take hold; greed and that sense of entitlement creep in. One child wants everything; another wants to exclude one sibling or one or more kids or grandkids wants things only to sell for cash. This is exactly why it's important to write things down. Several years ago Mom taped notes under or inside many things identifying who should get what. We are discussing this in detail now. She expected to be gone by the time we had to use her notes but having them helps. Surprisingly she's not changed her mind. And, she is less concerned about hurting someone's feelings if they don't agree with her. After asking for a turn-of-the century mantle clock; she told my brother very directly, "No, that goes to (Grandaughter). You are not careful enough and it will get destroyed." She told him to take some large old family portraits instead. He seemed satisfied but I wonder if he'll make his daughter feel bad over the clock. If so, I'll tell her that it's what Grandma wants so don't give in and give it up.

Friends pride and denial risks Mom's safey

An old friend called a couple of days ago looking to find some way to help her mother after she returned home from a back surgery. It was an odd call full of questions from her and sound answers from me (or so I thought...) but I don't think she got the answers she wanted from me. Long story short, my friend can't realize that her mother probably needs the professional care of LPNs, RNs or CNAs after surgery. She wants to keep her mother in her own home rather than use the available resources to ensure that her Mom is safe and well tended during her recouperation. She seems too proud to admit that her mother needs the additional assistance of professional care givers.

Here's the scenario:
Friend's Mom is 84 and has severe osteoporosis; so bad that she broke three ribs trying to lift a 10 pound chicken from the freezer and thus the need for surgery. She lives alone, goes to mass each morning and walks 2 miles a day. In the past year she has been hospitalized and recouperated at home after a severe bladder infection and again after surgery to repair cracked vertebrae. The vertebrae surgery required a brace that was nearly impossible for her to get off and on by herself and limited her movement and increased her risks of falls. Friends Mom had bad experiences with pain medication; she was either allergic or took too much but because she was home recouperating alone, no one knows for sure. She woke up on a soaked kitchen floor with buckets, cups and plates all around her and no memory of what happened. There have also been some instances when Friends Mom got lost when she travelled to an unfamiliar part of town; it's small enough that she should have been able to find her way to familar territory.

My friend hoped to work out a schedule with her siblings (think no cost to Mom) but they all have commitments to jobs, kids in school and in-laws that need support during chemo and surgeries as well. Her dependable and responsible siblings used their available vacation time for Mom's previous recouperation so had none left to use.

My first response was : Let Medicare pay for time in a rehab center (nursing home). (They pay for 100 days, 3+ months of rehab care after surgery or hospitalization).
I thought my friend would have a herd of cows right then and there! You'd think I suggested throwing her Mom out the car door at high speed. It went something like this: (Explicative)...Mom can't go to a nursing home! She's not one of those old ladies! How could you even SAY that?!! My second suggestion was to contact a home health care provider to go by 3 to 4 times a day but at nearly $16 per hour that was out of the question as well.

In all honesty, Friends Mom IS one of those old ladies. She is quite frail, needs someone to ensure she eats and taked meds regularily. She also needs companionship and, most important of all, she needs some skilled nursing care (think professionally trained) and rehabilitation to get back on her feet after this surgery. She will ONLY get that at a nursing home or from home health care aides. If you can afford the care at home, by all means, do it, other wise take advantage of the Medicare policy and let your elder get the care s/he needs. 100 days is a long time to recoupe from a surgery and she would probably would not be there long but she's likely to recoupe faster with the care they can provide. Rehab centers or nursing homes are well prepared to deliver 3 meals a day, medications, physical therapy, bathing and toileting assistance. These are things that we just can't do well at home if we're helping out as our busy schedules permit. Our Elders deserve the full attention of professionals if we aren't able to do it.

To be sensitive to my friend - She has deep love and respect for her Mom. She wants to be supportive, she feels guilty and knows her Mom will feel best emotionally at home. Yet,she expects too much of local relatives who can't be there and she is unable to travel to help due to her own job. I can say, based on my own failure to act, denial is really easy but can cost Mom a lot in the end. There comes a time when our elders need our help in spite of our own preferences, pride and aversions. Let go of the stigma that nursing homes are terrible. Most of these facilities realize that the payments they get from Medicare are important and reliable revenue; they won't screw it up. Their employees also enjoy knowing that they can help elders get back on their feet and WANT to see them go home because it means they did their job well and had a success. They are proud of the kind care they can provide; we just need to swallow ours and let them do their jobs for our elders.

Brother wants to move mom in

As I expected, I got "the call" from my brother the other day. He wants to move my mom into his home. I must be painfully honest here, this brother and I have rarely got on well. While his initial intent is probably good, he has a way of trying to weasel things to his benefit and it usually turns out poorly for all involved. He is trying to be sensitive to our past and began this discussion with a voice mail: "I want to have a nice friendly conversation...." I dreaded returning his call but it turned out well. We agreed to discuss the idea and I told him it's my responsibility to play devil's advocate and look out for what's best for mom.

I had considered this scenario - Mom living with them - but it only lasted a few minutes then I dismissed it as unwise. I know just what my brother is feeling, we don't get along because we are very much alike in some respects. We both want to help family, we both want to make Mom's money last as long as possible; we both feel a sense of obligation to try and make her last years as happy as possible. That said, there are practical considerations that we must consider.

• First is the amount of help Mom needs. I don't think my brother realizes just how much mom CAN'T do for herself anymore. Holding normal spoons and forks is hard given her weakened hands and failing dexterity. He is not the one who would help Mom; the burden would fall completely on his wife. Mom also has no chronic problems like diabetes or heart disease that would speed her passing. Aside from arthritis, her heart, kidneys, liver, digestion, etc.. are all good. She could live another 5 years or more. That's a long time to help someone who needs so much.
  
• Second are personalities involved. My brother will not be the primary care taker; his wife will be the one who helps Mom. My sister in law and mom probably could not get along under the same roof. Mom is very intelligent and logical; she has years of experience doing many things and she wants to be involved. She also doesn't understand that others need to feel that their methods are meaningful too. I just know Mom would end up criticizing sister in law and it would sound insulting. Feelings would be hurt, anger would result and then resentments would build.
• Third is money. Brother suggested that his wife (sister in law) quit her part time job and Mom pay them the same amount each month to live with them. Seems easy enough but they fail to consider that sister in law can leave work and stress then come home to relax. If Mom lives with them it's a 24-7 commitment. Brother and family are also not the best at budgeting; I know that soon they'd be asking mom to "help" round out their finances with extra money. They would not intend to take advantage but it always seems that something goes unpaid - the electric bill, the phone bill, the water - it's inevitable that they'd look to Mom for help and that's not acceptable. She's avoided helping too much thus far but living there would mean greater pressure and resentments on both sides. She doesn't help, they resent her and her prescence. If she does shell out more cash; she resents them and feels used.
  
• Fourth is respite care for Mom. Brother has diabetes; sister in law has problems with knees and feet. They also babysit their 2 year old grand daughter. I live in another state so could not easily get there for emergencies and stay without advance planning. There is no one to stay with mom if they need a break for more than a few hours. They deserve some vacation time. Who would do this? How long could they go without a break? What if one of them has a medical emergency ? Their kids will want to be with their parent not staying with grandma.
  
• Fifth are the conditions of their home. They live in a small place that is elevated by steep steps. Mom could not get in or out without a lot of help. Neither brother or sister in law can carry Mom; special ramps or something are required. There are no bars in their bathroom or shower. Door ways and halls are not wide enough for a wheelchair and remodeling is not practical. I feel the home is cramped for two people, a third with special needs would be so cramped as to cause great stress and inconvenience.
  

We have not had this conversation yet but these are the topics I will bring up. In the end, as Mom's Power of Attorney, I will probably say no but I will have a civil discussion. I know it's more about preserving the relationship with my brother and sister in law (for his kids more than anything else...). My brother is generous to think about moving Mom into his home but he and his wife deserve to think of themselves. I think the amount of work, emotion and patience required would cause too much stress for them. It's best that they conserve their energy for kids, grandkids, themselves and grandparents. They can visit Mom and take her out with the family instead of provide 24-7 care for her.