Thursday, June 24, 2010

Missing "Mom" and her understanding, wisdom and advice

Having a parent that is old and vulnerable is hard from many different angles.  Mom needs someone to conduct all of her business.  I'm advocate for her health care and quality of life issues.  I nudge family to go see her and help her write letters to distant relatives.  I made the hard decisions to move her, and broke the news to her.    I try to make her happy and minimize her stress.  The latter means that I don't share sad or stressful things related to my own life.  In short, I paint a happy picture for her even when it's really hard.   I've been doing that lately and it makes me realize that I really miss being able to talk to my Mom.  I miss her advice, crying on her shoulder - literally her hugs and whispers that everything will be okay.  

At those times when I had nothing or no one else, my Mom and Dad were always there.  They couldn't do much financially but I knew I was loved and that they believed I could do anything.  I knew that someone was always made happy just to hear my voice or see me talk through the door.  I know I'm lucky to have had parents like that, everyone SHOULD have parents like that.   Today I find my self grieving the loss of "that" Mom.  She would want to know that I'm upset; she'd try to make me feel better.  I won't tell her, I don't want to upset her.  Perhaps she'd even forget easily but I don't want to risk it.  

Today, I hate this; it's really hard.  I feel like I've been grieving the loss of my Mom for a long, long time.   It will continue so I've got to find some bit of advice, some wise words - probably some that she shared long ago - to lighten my mood and help me see something positive.   That's what she did so many years ago with her own mother, so I'll have to follow her example once again.   What a fine example she is.....