Monday, September 6, 2010

Family wedding gives me a guilt sandwich

We attended a beautiful family wedding over the weekend and it left me feeling awful.   Mom would have loved to attend but it just was not possible - getting her around in the wheel chair would have been a terrible pain for us all.    I feel guilt because I didn't do all i could to take her to most likely the last wedding she'll ever attend.  I feel a sense of relief NOT to have taken her so I could relax and enjoy visiting, my own supper and dancing without worrying about her needs and comfort.  Then, I feel guilty for feeling a sense of relief!   Guilt - relief - guilt...  my guilt sandwich...

We would have been able to get her around the venue but it would be difficult, cumbersome and meant lifting her wheelchair up and down stairs.  There were also no grab bars in the restroom which mean I'd have to do all the lifting to get her off and on the commode - my back can't take that much any longer.   We talked about it weeks in advance and she said she'd go ONLY if it was easy to wheel her to the bathroom.  I toured the venue a week in advance and it was, clearly NOT set up for any sort of handicap. She let me off the hook and insisted on staying home. 

Even though we had this discussion I feel terrible guilt and I know there is no way I'll feel better. I must accept that and let it go but that's really harder said than done.   I speak with so many friends who go through the same thing so I feel better knowing I'm not alone.   I have to be content that I take her out for rides, lunch and we'll soon have her 90th birthday party - it will have to be enough.