She's moved..

Well, it's done; mom is moved but it still doesn't feel real. I told her on Tuesday that movers would arrive at 1pm on the 15th to move some of her things to an assisted living center. We both cried but she realized that it was time. We just can't do enough for her at home and it's not safe for her. The movers took her things and we distracted her with a big family meal, plans about what to move first and which most sentimental things she would take.

On Thursday, we had an 11am check in time so I let her sleep in then we rushed to make the 11am appointment. It was manipulative of me but I didn't want to give her time to think about it or feel really sad the morning of her last day at home. Check in was like visiting a doctors office for the first time. We sat in a large open office, the "Wellness Room", and I spoke with the LPNs and aides who dispense pills. I explained her medical scenario, how her seizures may progress and what too look for. They listened politely but I really don't feel confident that they'll follow my advice. They might treat a lot of people but they've never treated MY MOM before; they have little experience with epileptics. I feel like a parent fighting for the proper care of a child - experiences that are parallel I suppose..... Since she moved in, I've had to give too many reminders about some important details. Her commode should be emptied each morning, she must take her dilantin with meals or she'll get heartburn; she will not ask forhelp to get to meals so please go get her.... These are all things that were promised in my initial discussions with the directors and managers. I'm hoping it was NOT just part sales pitch and that they really DO care that MY MOM is adjusting and getting the care she is DEARLY paying for.

The afternoon of night one, Mom began to have spasms in her back and hip. The arthritis seems to be pinching nerves in her back. Neither of us slept more than 4 hours. The aides were good about bringing her breakfast and lunch to her room. They even added extra servings to her tray for me. MOM was so uncomfortable all night and into the morning that I called her doctor to schedule an appointment for Monday. They also called in some prescriptions that helped her relax and given that, she got a good night of sleep in night two. She asked me to stay that night as well. I was kept awake again but by snoring rather than her discomfort. I didn't mind loosing the sleep since it meant she was comfortable.

One important lesson when moving a parent: Tell their physicians office and then call them a couple of more times to tell them again. Tell them at least one month prior to the move. I thought one call to MOM's doctor's office was enough. It was not. A nurse really chewed me out because they didn't realize MOM was moved and they were concerned how she would get new medications. We worked it out but they were not happy with me. Never assume the staff within a clinic or doctor's office communicate between each other. Tell them then call back and speak to someone else and tell them again.

The decision is made.....Moving day April 15

I finally made the decision to move Mom to an assisted living facility and even set a date. Now come all of the lists that I need create to get things done and to deal with the emotions that we'll both feel. I have lists for the practical things to prepare and set up her apartment and also lists of the things we might feel and lists of strategies to handle the emotions. I'm not anal retentive or a control freak, it's just how I deal with things. I try to anticipate and then be prepared.

Last evening while gently telling her that the movers will arrive next Wednesday to take most of her things she was concerned about the long term. She's not prone to dramatics but bowed her head, talking and sighing at the same time, "Will I have to be there (big inhale) forever..?" She nearly moaned the word "forever"; it really made my heart heavy. No, I promised. And I mean that. If she hates it, I'll find another solution. I have no idea what that is but I'll find something.

As we get ready for next Wednesday, here is a list of my lists:
- things we need to do at her home so she feels okay leaving it
- things to take to the apartment, sentimental and practical items she needs to feel comfortable
- things to buy for her; that enable her to some things for herself (
- people to notify of the move

Now the questions:
- How does the new facility get her meds and how and when do I pay for it?
- Are they willing to use her existing pharmacy?
- Will they give her snacks with her meds to help her avoid heartburn?
- Can i spend the night in her room if she needs
- How do I make them all understand the symptoms of an approaching seizure?

What does mom need in assisted living?

Watching Mom over the past year, I tried to make note of things that make her happy or seem frustrating. Too often the list is heavy on the latter, but Mom keeps her sense of humor about it. Often she says, " Old age isn't for sissies.." or "It's tough to be gumhla". "Gumhla" is probably not spelled correctly but it's the best I can do. Mom tells me it's Norwegian or Swedish for "old" or "old lady", her grand parents and great aunts used the same term as they creaked about....

By building my list I hoped to capture things that would become helpful or hurtful in an assisted living facility. From these observations I created a list of things to look for in her next home:

• Are hallways long or short? How long must she walk to get around to things she'll enjoy?
• Hallways - narrow or wide? Can she, another resident and an aid pass each other easily with room to spare?
• How many elevators exist in the facility and are the numbers for floors easy to reach?
• Cabinets in the facility - low or high?
• Are individual appliances permitted in apartments or rooms? Coffee makers, refridgerators, microwaves, TVs, Stereos?
• How often do they come around for laundry? How do they keep Mom's things together or ensure they are returned to her?
• Can she go to breakfast in her pajamas? Is there a meal time dress code?
• Can she get her hair done on site?
• Is there a bathtub so she can get help for a nice soak now and then?
• What sort of outings does the facility have? Are there extra charges for these?
  
• How often do entertainers come in to the facility?
• Can I spend the night with Mom once she's moved?
• Can she control the heat in her room by herself?

More safety tips for elderly parents at home

Ah - a few minutes to myself in the afternoon sunshine... So I'll take the time to write a few more things that we've done to make Mom's home safer:

Turn down the water heater: Mom's skin is quite thin and so seems more sensitive to hot, cold, pressure and even rough surfaces. To prevent burns we turned down the hot water heater to 100 degrees. It seems cool to me but she's quite comfortable in the shower; the tub is not an option any longer since she can't get out of it.

Drawers and drawer pulls: We replaced the drawer pulls on Mom's cabinets and bedroom furniture so it's easier for her to open the drawers with swollen bent fingers.

Use easy glide drawers, automatic closing drawers or drawer stops: Innovations in cabinetry make for safer kitchens. See your local home improvement store for these gadgets that make for easier opening and closing.

Sort through drawers and remove heavy items and clutter: Remove heavy clutter and, if possible, move the most used things to the front of drawers. This prevents a situation where a heavy drawer is pulled out to far and falls onto the floor or worse yet, an arthritic foot.

Use rubber shower pads in the shower and out: We got a couple of rubber shower mats - the kind with the little suction cups on the back - and installed one inside the shower stall and on the floor where Mom walks most. This helps her get traction getting into and out of the shower. The mat we found - at KMart - has a sort of beveled edge so that it gradually rises from the floor, suction cups ensure it won't slip.

Use rubber shower pad between a bed and commode or potty chair: The same rubber shower mat mentioned prevents falls when Mom gets up during the night. Placed on the slick hardwood floor right where she steps out of bed to turn and use a commode.

Replace buttons with snaps or velcro: Mom can no longer slip buttons into button holes, arthritis has robbed her fine motor skills. I stitched all the button holes closed, applied large snaps to the garments then stitched the buttons OVER the top of the old button hole so it appears as thought she's wearing her usual button front blouses. Your local one-stop fabric & sewing shop should have tools that help apply snaps so you can save time stitching things together.