Sunday, March 13, 2011

Wanting to take Mom home and angry at the system

Damn - I wish I could take my mom home.  I wish I could be there to see her daily.   My cousins try to be supportive and urge me to let go of the guilt.  At at the same time they admit to terrible guilt that they couldn't care for their mother at home either.   It just takes SO much - money, time, lifting, coordination.  Someone's got to be there with her all the time since she can't do anything alone.  It's a lot of extra washing, cooking, running to the doctor - it all takes time, generally time away from work.  To hire help takes  money - more money that any of us have.  We can't afford to quit working to stay home and care for her; even working we can't afford to pay for our own expenses and hire someone to help her.    It seems so wrong that the state will pay so much - over $4000 per month - to let someone else take care of Mom.  I'd do it for less if I could get the help.  I'm not greedy, I just need enough to get by, enough to hire some help when I'd have to run errands or something and then enough to get my life back on track after she passes.

Keeping life on track - that's another source of guilt.  I've got another 15-20 years of work ahead of me.  In my 30's and 40's it was derailed by my fathers illness, my marriage and moving to meet a husbands military obligation. I'm just now, at 49, beginning to rebuild - a home, savings, a career.....I COULD go take care of mom but the long term sacrifice would make it much much harder to start over.  I'd be that much older,  technology will move ahead quickly and my ability to keep up will be dulled. Mom used to say, "It's hell to get old".  She's right. She's in her own hell - a horrible state with no options and I'd be dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.  Damn.